I’m happily single – why do some people seem to have a problem with that?

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Dear Hera,

This always feels like a “hear me out” to explain, but I don’t understand why people can’t just accept where I’m at. I’ve dated and been in love before, it was fine. Great, even! But as I’ve grown older, found independence and delved into my passions… I’ve found there are things I would generally rather be doing with my time.

I’ve sort of being toying with the idea of just permanently riding solo for a year or two now, testing the waters of celibacy and avoiding dating. In return, I’ve been rewarded with less drama, better emotional health and more free time to do the things I love. I’m also very blessed with friends who meet my emotional needs. I feel loved, I have fun and I don’t really get lonely. I have a cool job and have deeply enriching hobbies (humble brag, I know), which also means I not only don’t have much free time… I also don’t want to give up my time to “grab a drink” with someone who is probably going to ask me about my older brother, then about my tattoos and lay some off-putting political opinion on the table that I have to try to negotiate my own comfort with.

I’m fine with not dating now; the issue seems to be everyone else. When I see people, one of the first questions they ask is “are you seeing anyone?” This is usually followed by pity and confusion with I say no, and reassurances that “I’m sure you’ll find someone”. My personal least favourite is “You’ll find love when you least expect it”, like it’s a form of army-drill-ambush.

I understand the sentiment is kindness and building connection, but I can’t help but feel reduced to my dating life when I have success and excitement in so many other places. It’s also a maze of trying to unlearn the dogmatic “you must find your other half” love story that is fed to us, I’ve had to do a lot of self-reflection and unlearning. 

Is this a me problem? Absolutely. And I’m not closed off to love completely forever with a hard line; I just don’t care and have better things to do. My mum is also desperate for grandchildren, which doesn’t help. 

How do I kindly communicate this to my friends and family, asking them to lay off the relationship questions?

Can we build happy lives without a romantic partner?

Am I just a hater?

Yours,

Romantic Disbeliever

Dear Romantic Disbeliever,

As far as inspirational sayings go, “I’ve been in love before, it was fine,” is hysterical. It’s right up there with Whoopi Goldberg’s “I don’t want someone in my house.” 

There are many wonderful and transformative things about being in a loving relationship. But like a good quality racehorse, great relationships are hard to find, and even harder to maintain. The whole thing requires a lot of patience and compromise, and a willingness to sacrifice many small freedoms for the good of the collective. Even at the best of times, it can be a faff. 

But the vast majority of relationships are not wonderful and transformational. A shocking number of people would rather silently stew in mutual resentment than contemplate living alone. Now that women can own property, and dating apps have destroyed what little joie de vivre there was once to be found in casual flirting, it’s no wonder more and more people are choosing to be single. 

Honestly, good for you. I can completely understand why you don’t feel the need to spend your evenings and weekends reluctantly auditioning prospective partners when you’re perfectly happy on your own. Not only is your decision completely respectable, I think many people would find it enviable. You’ve already said you’re not inflexible. It’s much more romantic to be open to having your mind changed by the right person than it is to doggedly pursue a mediocre relationship with the best available candidate, because you hate to be alone.

How to communicate that to your friends and family is a different problem. 

If I were being generous, I’d say your friends and family are acting out of a misplaced sense of worry, because they want to see you happy, and their own relationships are so profoundly fulfilling they can’t imagine anyone choosing to be single. If I were being ungenerous, I’d say misery loves company. The reality probably is, people love any excuse to gossip and don’t realise they’re being annoying. But it’s galling to be constantly razzed about your lack of a partner from thrice-divorced aunts and serial monogamist friends. 

I think one of the reasons that people are so uncomfortable with others being single is because when someone’s in a relationship, it’s easier to mentally abdicate all responsibility towards that person, because there is (allegedly) someone looking out for them. It’s easier to worry about people who don’t have partners, even though being in a relationship bears no meaningful relationship to how happy someone is. You can be as lonely in a marriage as you can on a fatal Antarctic voyage. Most of the single people I know are much less lonely, as they tend to have alarming reserves of friends and hobbies. 

There are always going to be people who think there is something wrong with you for being single. Trying to correct these opinions is an exercise in futility. The only thing you can do is have the optimism and courage to live your best life. I’m willing to bet there are more people who admire you for it than pity you. 

Honestly, I don’t even know if it’s worth having a bunch of tediously earnest conversations. If you have a few close friends and relatives who are particularly annoying on the subject and treat you like you have a rare form of romantic leprosy, it might be worth saying, “I’m very happy on my own, and would appreciate you not bringing up my love life at every conceivable opportunity.” But I also think that having to repeatedly justify your decision only serves to entrench the idea that your love life is A) a problem and B) any of their business. If I were you, I’d try being ruthlessly dull on the subject. The next time someone breaks out a tedious romantic platitude, like “love will find you when you least expect it,” it’s fine to immediately duck under the table, or say, “God, I hope not.” People will eventually get the message.

As with any major life decision, there’s no point being too dogmatic about it. But even if you do meet someone who changes your mind, it doesn’t mean you have to lock yourself into a claustrophobic set-up. You can live in separate houses or separate hemispheres, and even sleep around, if you’re into that. Everything is always negotiable. Your independent spirit and luxurious reserves of personal freedom don’t need to be curtailed just because you’ve accidentally fallen in love.

I think this is a situation where leading with confidence is the best way. This can be hard if you’re still grappling with your own feelings on the subject. But the more confident you are in your own happiness and worth as a single person, the more people will take your lead. I think “I honestly can’t be fucked” is an extremely relatable position, and if you just come out and say it, with as much cheerfulness as you can muster, you’ll be surprised at how many people really do get it.