All I want is an apology for his rude behaviour. Is that too much to ask?

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Dear Hera, 

I am a student in a relatively small artistic field, and the people I’ve met are, for the most part, really lovely and welcoming. Except for this one person, who we will call Jason. 

I thought Jason and I were friends, or at least friendly acquaintances. We’d make friendly chit chat, and when he was accepting an award for his art, I made sure to cheer super loud. However, I get the impression that he dislikes me. Now, I cannot say that I honestly give two stuffs what this guy genuinely thinks of me. What I do give two stuffs about is antagonising people in an insular field, and being a dickhead. 

There was one event in particular, a few months ago, where he was quite rude to me for no obvious reason. Jason, one other friend, and I were talking, and I was describing a film I had just watched that I felt a really profound connection to. I was really gushing about it, and he just went: “You know it’s not real, right? Like you know that it’s just a film?”

It made me feel condescended to and embarrassed for participating in the mortifying ordeal of finding meaning and connection in a piece of art. He said he didn’t mean it maliciously, but I wonder what possible other reason one would have to say that. 

I will admit that one of my worst qualities is that I can be quick to dislike someone, and somewhat rude when I do. However, I will always apologise to the person for being rude, even if I have legitimate reasons to dislike them. Has Jason apologised? Has he bollocks.

Since then I’ve mostly avoided him, and occasionally quietly seethe when I’m forced to work with him in a group.  

I don’t want to hold a grudge and/or be a dickhead – I know that people are complicated in their dickheadery sometimes, so I’ve tried to swallow my pride and be amicable. Once, during a break, he and another person (who I am friends with) were chatting, and I attempted to enter the conversation. The whole time, Jason didn’t even look at me and only talked to my friend. 

I’m hesitant to bring this up to other people in our circuit, because, again it’s a small industry, and I don’t want to be a shit talker. A nice, clean, genuine apology from Jason would solve most of this, but I don’t think that’s likely to happen, and I don’t want to bring it up with him because the main thing I’m upset about happened several months ago, and, knowing him, he’d probably think I was obsessed with him or something. 

Am I overreacting, or being oversensitive? I know that people can be bastards sometimes, but I had thought we were friends. Now every time I see his name rostered on for the same event as me, it really bothers me to have to see him. 

Cheers, 

Annoyed Artist 

Dear Annoyed Artist,

Before we get to the medicine, first a little sugar. I don’t think you’re being oversensitive. It sucks when you’re part of an insular artistic community and someone hates your guts for no discernible reason. You’re obviously someone who values treating others with respect and encouragement, and can’t understand why this guy seems to dislike you. You don’t want to harbour any grudges and simply want to clear the air.

Is an apology too much to ask? Unfortunately, yes.

I think you’re going to have to give up on the idea of a heartfelt reconciliation, because “Jason” doesn’t seem either interested or capable. 

“Why does this person in my niche subculture hate me?” is an extremely common experience, as evidenced by the unusually high volume of letters I get on this specific topic. Usually, the letter writers are people in the arts, but I’m willing to bet it’s common in every line of highly specialised work, from professors of dead languages to feuding mycologists. 

We could chalk it up to artistic temperament, but I think this is just a human nature thing. Take any group with strong aesthetic sensibilities competing for attention and resources in an awkwardly small pond, and not only will you get undying friendships and powerful allegiances, but there will also be a state-mandated amount of inexplicable hatreds and random feuds. 

Maybe this guy’s apparent dislike of you has some obscure historical basis that even you don’t understand the genesis of. More likely, it’s a personality clash. But in the end, the reasons don’t really matter. 

You say you don’t care that this guy dislikes you, but it’s obvious your feelings are a little hurt. That’s completely understandable. Nobody enjoys being hated for no apparent reason. It sounds like his rudeness toward you has made this dislike mutual. Which begs the question: why do you even want an apology from this guy? 

Let’s assume you can read a room, and your feelings about this guy going out of his way to belittle and exclude you are based in reality. (For the record, I believe you. Unless you’re naturally paranoid, most people can accurately clock when someone dislikes them, even if the signs are too subtle for others to pick up on.) If this is the case, you’re never going to get a meaningful apology from Jason because he doesn’t like you enough to be genuinely sorry. 

My view is that apologies are only meaningful when you actually care about the other person’s feelings. Otherwise, they’re just a PR exercise. 

Even if you somehow manage to wring a reluctant apology out of a hater, I don’t see how it could possibly make you feel any better, knowing he probably doesn’t mean it and resents having to give it. There’s no such thing as a genuine apology based on a festering mutual dislike. Requesting an apology from someone who doesn’t actually like you is about as effective as filing an HR complaint against an angry swarm of bees.

The sort of people who usually engage in these subtle, interpersonal machinations are professional hobbyists who live for the drama, have vast reserves of spiteful ingenuity and will only get a thrill out of seeing you upset. They’re like one of these rare species of crustacean that have learned to adapt to their uniquely inhospitable evolutionary cul-de-sac, and spend their days basking in the acid pits of some subterranean volcano, which would cause any normal specimen to instantly shrivel up and die. You cannot fight these people on their own territory, nor can you drag them kicking and screaming towards the light. 

Honestly, the only viable strategy is to cheerfully ignore them. 

I know this isn’t the advice you want to hear. You obviously want to clear the air, but you’re only going to give yourself a stomach ulcer trying to pursue a campaign of personal accountability against someone who has repeatedly demonstrated a pointed disregard for your feelings and a predisposition for making others feel stupid and small. 

I would also advise against getting other people involved, because it sounds like the slights are so subtle and plausibly deniable that enumerating them to anyone who isn’t a close personal friend is only going to make you seem delusional or combative. By all means, complain to your inner circle. But you don’t want your reputation in your close-knit community to be tarnished by getting accidentally enmeshed in a one-sided feud with some guy named Jason. 

There is a lot to be said for supportive, mutually uplifting artistic communities. But sometimes it pays to take a step back and think of them like any boring office job. There will always be someone microwaving fish in the breakroom, or the manager that gossips behind your back, and the best thing you can do for your own sanity is appreciate the small moments of camaraderie, ignore the haters, and try to make peace with the fact that in every walk of life there will be difficult and unpleasant people, and sometimes the most empowering thing you can do is simply have the self-respect to ignore them. 

My advice is to continue being polite to this guy whenever you end up in the same room with him, and cheerfully surrender to his inexplicable dislike of you. There’s no need to stand up for yourself, trade backhanded compliments, or rally others to your cause, because the only way to win against this kind of person is to refuse to play. As the saying goes: never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty, and the pig likes it. 

Instead, keep holding your head up high, and treating those around you with encouragement, kindness and respect. Let your actions and character speak for themselves. 

I don’t think you’re overreacting or being too sensitive. But you need to be pragmatic, and sometimes that means acknowledging a lost cause. It’s impossible to force someone to be polite to you against their will, and it’s a waste of your time to try. 

Focus on the relationships with the people who uplift you and bring you joy, and above all, remember that the most important thing is the work itself. Everything else is just politics.