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Former All Black John Kirwan (L) and veteran rugby commentator Keith Quinn (R)
Former All Black John Kirwan (L) and veteran rugby commentator Keith Quinn (R)

OPINIONSocietyNovember 18, 2020

Sorry Quinny, I’m with JK when it comes to what masculinity means

Former All Black John Kirwan (L) and veteran rugby commentator Keith Quinn (R)
Former All Black John Kirwan (L) and veteran rugby commentator Keith Quinn (R)

Rugby commentator Keith Quinn’s call for rugby players to ‘harden up’ shows how much New Zealand’s macho culture has changed since the days he ruled the airwaves, writes Trevor McKewen, author of the book Real Men Wear Black.

I have a confession to make. I am helplessly addicted to the tearjerking TV documentary series Lost and Found.

I kept it secret for a few years. I didn’t want anybody to know that I watched it, clinging to a box of Kleenex like a life buoy in a storm. But then my wife busted me. I was embarrassed. She said it was endearing. So we started watching it together. I still howl harder than her while I watch though.

I worked with the series’ presenter David Lomas way back in 1987 at the short-lived Auckland Sun newspaper. He was a gun hire. He wrote on crime and wrote authoritatively.

I watched with nodding admiration as his career morphed into the avuncular host of strangely compelling television based on the simple concept of seeking to reunite families. His story-telling moved me in unexpected ways. But not just me: I’ve lost count of the times when I have quietly confessed my addiction, only to discover nodding admission from like minds. “Oh, you watch it too!”.

I told Lomas so when I bumped into him, for the first time in decades, at the pub last year.

Given my background in sport, not surprisingly our conversation turned to what would be instant gold in New Zealand television – an All Black story of heart-pulling proportions. We were both aware of at least one famous untold yarn. David had gone there, he’d chased the story. The player was uncomfortable. His view was respected and the story remains untold.

When I first saw Keith Quinn’s tweet telling blokes to “harden up” I thought of David and what he would make of it all. I also knew instantly there would be a gathering shit storm for New Zealand’s most famous rugby commentator.

It was a debate stirred by Argentina’s passionate response in the immediate aftermath of their historic first win over the All Blacks. Coach Mario Ledesma and his players cried.

“Harden up!” Quinn said. Although I suspect it was said with an initial tongue poked into cheek, it went down like a rumbling fart from grandad at the family reunion.

‘Quinny’ is not a malicious person, a point immediately acknowledged by the obvious go-to commentator for the media on this sort of fodder, Sir John Kirwan.

But, as JK pointedly noted, he was of a “certain generation” – a male generation encouraged to suppress emotion. A generation that Kirwan himself had grown up influenced and pressured by what it believed manhood represented.

JK’s tweet that he had cried seeing the Argentinians cry was a kind rebuttal to Quinn and the latter gracefully acknowledged that his wording might have been a bit clumsy.

Kirwan has done more than any single individual I can think of to persuade New Zealanders that mental health is to be taken seriously. I remember his first “harden up is the worst thing you can be told to do” TV commercial. I’ll be honest here: I wondered if JK was a little, well, soft.

But as life changed for me, often unexpectedly and in ways that challenged how I saw and felt about myself, I came to understand what JK was on about.

I wrote about my own personal journey in this space in The Spinoff last year and was surprised by the feedback and reaction. Some hardened male mates consider me “woke” now. I might have been influenced by their opinion a few years back, but not now. I found many more of my friends believe in a new way of being a man. Life changed us.

A group of us lost a close mate to bowel cancer last year at only 55. It profoundly impacted all of us. I then lost my younger brother to the same disease at the same age in July this year. A third close surfing mate fell at 52 in September. It has rocked me to the core but also reminded me of the important things in life.

I teared up when the Pumas coach and his players cried. As disappointed as I was in the All Blacks’ performance, I took pride in what the victory meant to the Pumas and Argentina. The emotion stayed with me the next day when I read how the Argentinian national media had celebrated the triumph, high up in the news bulletins, seizing on a much needed but meritorious moment in history.

That so many Argentinians revelled in a moment that was akin to a win by Iceland over Brazil in football inherently acknowledges the almost surreal standing of the All Blacks in world sports lore.

That is an achievement that should be celebrated. But we need more than that.

I have seven grandchildren. I want them to live in a kinder world. I don’t want them to be told not to cry when they feel emotion. And I don’t want them to be told being a man is closing yourself off to the world. I am still learning in my 60s and I’ve found it’s never too late to say – I was wrong, I know better now and I can do better now.

What’s happened to bloke-ism? That’s the wrong question. “Blokes of today” know life is short. Tell your friends you love them, set a good example for your grandkids, learn from the generations that have come after us – and cry when you feel sadness, relief, joy or triumph.

The measure of a man isn’t in how much he hides his feelings, it’s in how much he embraces them and is the full person he’s meant to be.

Keep going!
How are Kiwis finding life in the United States following Joe Biden’s election win. (Photo: Tina Tiller)
How are Kiwis finding life in the United States following Joe Biden’s election win. (Photo: Tina Tiller)

SocietyNovember 18, 2020

The last days of Trump-land: Conversations with Kiwis in America

How are Kiwis finding life in the United States following Joe Biden’s election win. (Photo: Tina Tiller)
How are Kiwis finding life in the United States following Joe Biden’s election win. (Photo: Tina Tiller)

With violence erupting in Washington DC this weekend and Covid-19 sweeping the nation, you could be forgiven for thinking the United States is descending into utter chaos. Justin Latif got in touch with a few mates to see if this really is the case.

Following Joe Biden’s US presidential election victory and then Donald Trump’s refusal to concede, my social network feeds made it look like the country was about to collapse into open warfare. So partly out of concern for their welfare, I reached out to some old classmates and relatives across that massive country to discover if it really is as bad as it seems.

Rienus, Seattle

One of my best mates, and a former Onehunga High alumni like myself, Rienus Hazelman lives in Seattle but has been working in Alaska as a trainee marine pilot. While he was there he caught Covid, but he didn’t even realise at first given how mild his symptoms were. 

“When I got tested I just had a running nose and an itchy throat. But I had just spent a few days fishing and foraging for mushrooms in minus two degree weather, so I just thought it was because of that.”

When his results returned, he expected public health officials to fly into action, so he was taken aback with how casually they approached it, given he had probably caught it from an identifiable source in the community.  

“They seemed pretty relaxed about it,” he says. “After I tested positive they said I was a low risk of transmission, so they asked if I could do my own contact tracing and call anyone I had been in contact with. I was a bit shocked by that.”

He says seeing how the country has dealt with Covid has almost pushed him into returning home. 

“As soon as I started seeing the results coming in on the Tuesday night [because they were favouring president Donald Trump] we started looking up how we could get back into New Zealand “

But seeing president-elect Joe Biden speak about his plans to deal with the virus has given Hazelman cause for some hope. “In Seattle people are very happy and there’s a huge sense of relief that it’s over,” he says.

“But in Alaska, I think a lot are hoping the result is overturned while others have accepted that Trump has lost. I don’t think there’ll be riots, but there’ll be protests. And if anything, there might be a lone wolf type scenario or a small group who might try something, like what happened to that governor in Michigan. I feel very safe here but if I was in a state like Florida, as a liberal and being brown, I think maybe I would want to get out of there.”

Paul, New York

Paul Spelman, the captain of my high school soccer team, now lives on the east coast and has been in lockdown since March. He’s a creative director for an advertising agency in New York and says the media coverage of Trump supporters’ violent protests isn’t reflected in what he’s seeing. 

“Out here in the suburbs people are pretty chill. There are a ton of Trump flags flying around the neighborhood but my sense is that people will now just move on with their lives. A lot of the media hype around violence in the streets seems very overblown.”

He says the most challenging aspect of the last year has been the lockdowns. 

“For me, the main impact has been working from home since March. With two young kids, it’s been pretty challenging. I don’t think our company will have us back in the office till a vaccine is widely available, which might not be till around March or April. I never thought in March that I would be working from home for a whole year, but here we are. 

“And it looks like we might be going into another lockdown soon as the weather gets colder and the virus surges again. So there is a sense that things might be about to get a lot worse.”

From left; Rienus Hazelman, Paul Spelman and Joel Greatbatch. (Photos: Supplied)

Virginia, Princeton

Virginia* was one of my most studious classmates and so it’s not surprising that she now has a PhD and lives in Princeton, New Jersey. She says her community leans heavily towards the Democrats.

“It’s definitely safe where I’m living but if I was living in Philly or New York I would feel less safe. And from what I’ve heard, a lot of people are buying guns as it’s so easy to do that. People support Trump with so much passion and we see Trump signs everywhere – and it definitely seems to inspire a lot of hate.”

Sierra, Detroit

Sierra, who’s my cousin through marriage, normally spends Christmas with family in Wellington but due to New Zealand’s quarantine restrictions, this year she’ll be remaining at home in Ann Arbor, Michigan. The state went to Biden this election, after being one of Trump’s crucial wins in 2016. She says the election has further highlighted the divisions within the country but she feels media reports of rioting and violence have been exaggerated.

“Things are very overblown in the media, sure there’s some discontent and tension, but it’s in pockets,” she says. “I think those who voted for Trump here are disappointed but not likely to riot. Whereas Biden supporters are relieved to hear all major media outlets call the election for him.

“Although there are ongoing legal battles over voter fraud, I think many Republicans feel as though most mainstream media outlets and pollsters engaged in voter suppression by predicting a massive victory for Biden. In some cases, like Wisconsin, polls showed Biden ahead by something like 17 points and in actuality the race was much much closer than that, leading many to believe the polls were intentionally skewed to suppress votes for Trump and Republicans here are upset about that. And everyone is in agreement that the pollsters were the biggest losers in this election.”

Joel, Austin

Joel Greatbatch is a friend of a friend who lives in Austin, Texas. Despite the perception of Texas as a Trump stronghold, he says most people in his area were backing Biden. 

“Biden’s win was received fairly well as Austin is very different politically than most of Texas. It’s ‘the little blue berry in the tomato soup of Texas’ as described by our most famous current Austinite, Matthew McConaughey. Yet after the victory there was a large protesting crowd of Trump supporters, with some armed to the teeth, as it’s legal to walk downtown with an AR15 in your hand. But I think it will blow over.”

He says Covid-19’s biggest impact has been on his work as a teacher, as he’s been teaching remotely for the last six months. Otherwise, Covid “slowed things down initially, but we were still able to pick up food and do drive through, so didn’t feel completely cut off from the outside world.”

He says regardless of all the upheaval the country is experiencing, he’s glad to be living in the United States.

“The election didn’t make me want to move too much. In some ways I actually found it all kind of exciting. That’s what is nice living here. You’re in the centre of world events and culture and history books are being written around you. New Zealand is beautiful and a wonderful place to grow up in, but you realise how far removed you are from the rest of the world and what is happening.”

*Virginia and Sierra wished to only use their first names.

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