Image: Ella Bates-Hermans/Stuff
Image: Ella Bates-Hermans/Stuff

SocietyAugust 19, 2022

‘It got darker and darker’: How one woman lost her husband to conspiracy theories

Image: Ella Bates-Hermans/Stuff
Image: Ella Bates-Hermans/Stuff

What should you do when a loved one gets sucked into conspiracy networks? If there’s anything the past two years has taught us, it’s that there’s no rulebook. Michelle Duff reports.

This story was first published on Stuff.

It began innocently enough, with the televised debates between Joe Biden and Donald Trump. Then Mel’s husband, a happy-go-lucky guy who liked sports and going to the pub with his mates, started listening to YouTube videos of Trump and his supporters while he was gaming.

When he started advocating a hard line on immigration over dinner, Mel, whose real name we have agreed not to use because of the sensitive subject, thought it strange.

That alone she could probably have lived with. But over the next few months, starting from the 2020 Covid lockdown, Mel felt the tentacles of social media algorithms forcing their way into the most intimate corners of their marriage.

“It just got darker and darker and weirder and weirder,” Mel says now. “He didn’t have a problem with Jacinda Ardern when she first got elected, but when he started agreeing with Trump he really started personal attacks on Jacinda for being a woman, all the horse jokes, saying ‘women shouldn’t be in charge’.

“I said, ‘I’m a young woman, can’t you see how making fun of a woman’s appearance would make me feel self-conscious?’ But he just couldn’t.”

He called Mel over to his computer to look at a picture of Michelle Obama. “It was zoomed in on her crotch and her dress was sort of crumpled, and people were going ‘Is that the outline of penis? She’s a man!’” Mel said. “I was like ‘That seems really sexist and also a bit racist?’ It felt like such a desperate attempt to bring someone down, to attack someone based on their gender.”

Mel tried to stay neutral, letting him have his say, sometimes until 2am. She tried reason, pointing out shonky “evidence”, or challenging him on sexist social media posts.

“He’d say, ‘It’s just stuff I say online, that’s not stuff I really believe,’ and I would say, ‘Well, that is you, that is your thoughts.’ He wasn’t really arguing an anti-vax point in the end, it was just an anti-woman, anti-vax… he went to the Brian Tamaki rallies, he called himself a “pureblood” human, he believed everything he read on Telegram.”

She told him she didn’t want to talk about it at all, but she says he continued to “smother” her with his increasingly radical views, including the QAnon conspiracy theory that global elites were trafficking young children and drinking their blood.

“I could see him change and his beliefs change, into this angry hateful negative person who thought everything in the world was wrong. That was definitely not the man I fell in love with.”

‘It’s torn our social fabric’

The physical toll of Covid, including infections and deaths, has been meticulously reported by the Ministry of Health, with agencies also tracking Covid-19 conspiracy theories and mis- and disinformation.

False or misleading information has been identified as a national security threat, prompting the NZSIS to start drawing up guidelines to help the public recognise if someone they know is mobilising to a terrorist attack. The Royal Commission has identified improving social cohesion – that is, the way people understand, empathise with and relate to each other – as a key element to work on in the wake of the mosque attacks.

But so far the impact on our personal wellbeing – what researchers refer to as the “psychosocial” toll – has been given little attention, despite the very real effects. “The psychological impacts are much more hidden, but if we think of long Covid, this is sort of a long Covid effect – the one it’s had on friends and families and our relationships,” says clinical psychologist, Victoria University’s Dougal Sutherland.

“It’s going to last much longer than the virus itself – these breaks in relationships may take a lot longer to heal, and I don’t think we’ve quite realised the longer-term implications of it. It’s torn our social fabric.”

In Classifications Office survey The Edge of the Infodemic, respondents talked about misinformation undermining relationships with loved ones, contributing to anxiety, stress, fear and anger, speaking of division, hatred, and family breakdowns. “It is eroding our culture and way of life,” one respondent said.

But if a loved one won’t stop talking about chem-trails, or hangs out in misogyny-steeped corners of the internet, or thinks you are part of some international cabal, is it worth keeping these friendships? What about when they’re family, and you’re worried about them – for their own personal mental health, but also where it might lead?

On the unforgiving internet, where nuance is flattened and arguments can turn quickly septic, the unfriend button is a keystroke away. But almost everyone Stuff spoke to said cutting people who don’t agree with you out of your life should be avoided where possible, unless, like in Mel’s case, the relationship is affecting your own mental health or sense of self.

Former Green MP Nandor Tanczos, photographed in 2017

For those embedded in alternative communities, where many already mistrust the state, this can be difficult. Former Green Party MP and Whākatāne district councillor Nandor Tanczos says he “quite quickly” became a target for ridicule and hatred after making his pro-vaccination opinions known on social media early in the pandemic.

As a long-time social activist who has always held a healthy scepticism towards Western medicine, Tanczos said he thinks some of his friends felt betrayed. “A lot of people that I know, some quite close friends, really went into a strong anti-vax stance. There were some quite tense moments with family as well.

“It’s insulting, people saying ‘You’ve sold out,’ but you can’t take it personally. That’s the danger with polarisation – people start seeing you as a glyph for something rather than a real human person who cares about them.”

He maintained relationships by reminding himself life isn’t black and white and people had good reasons to question, say, Big Pharma, even if he didn’t agree with their conclusions. “For me the thing was trying to introduce evidence into those discussions.”

When he has had friends who are beyond reason he’s tried to keep the relationship open regardless, saying he loves them and suggesting they reconnect again later. “Down the line if someone has gone down the rabbit hole, how are they going to get out again? It’s only by having people you know and love to reach out to.”

A collage of conspiracy theory messages from Telegram
A collage of local conspiracy theories recently posted to Telegram

Dr Byron Rangiwai, a senior lecturer at Unitec’s School of Healthcare and Social Practice, is the author of Wake Up, Sheeple! Conspiracy Theories and Māori During the Covid-19 Pandemic.

He advocates a manaakitanga-driven approach, which is to try and understand why people might believe misleading information – such as white supremacist propaganda, psychological vulnerability and powerlessness – and continue to treat whānau and friends with aroha and respect.

Many Māori have good reason to mistrust the government, and the sheer volume of information coming out during Covid lockdowns could be confusing. “Even just having the luxury of time to siphon through ideas, it’s quite impossible for most people to discern what’s true and what’s not.”

Cutting family and friends off is “not a Māori thing”, he says. “The relationships are there, and if they are whakapapa relationships they’re ancient, they are permanent.”

He uses humour a lot to deflect, and does not join in debates. If things get sticky, he thinks about why he loves that person. “We disagree with people all the time, but we don’t block people for it.

“The pandemic has been utterly damaging to the nation’s psyche, and it’s got out of hand in terms of ruining people’s relationships. I try and engage with people with whakapapa in the front of my mind, the relationships I’ve built with people over the years. I encourage people to look past the pandemic, and what things were like before.

Sutherland says he also encourages people to take a long-term view, rather than being judgmental or trying to convince people with facts, techniques proven to fail.

But if things turn abusive or become too frustrating, that may no longer be advisable and that’s OK too, he says. “If your relationship is dominated by this issue and it’s causing stress and tension and bad feelings, why would you want to be in that relationship?”

A woman holds a protest sign at a rally against lockdown measures on August 5 2020 at parliament, Wellington. (Photo: Lynn Grieveson – Newsroom via Getty Images)

How bad does it have to get?

What is radicalisation, and when should we be worried? Kate Hannah is a director and investigator at The Disinformation Project, a research project into the misinformation ecosystem. She says radicalisation can be understood as a spectrum, a sliding scale of harm where a terrorist attack might be at one end.

In the anti-vax and conspiracy networks she monitors, on Telegram but also now mainstream social media, there is an increasing willingness to condone or participate in talking about violence – death threats, rape threats, or referring to public figures as witches who are going to be hung and tried. Some of this was seen by the general public for the first time at the parliament occupation, and in stories about the gendered harassment of high-profile women.

Spaces where violent and misogynistic beliefs are shared and normalised are already a social problem, Hannah says. “The idea that we are waiting for it to pop off into some terrorism, that’s true, but if we look at misogyny we can already see how it’s being used to target and harass high profile women. It’s designed to punish and control, and it’s having an effect. What are they doing to women in their own lives?

“New ideas are mechanisms of control. If someone is articulating a message about the PM to themselves and maybe their children, that does all sorts of things to their families feelings of safety and inclusion.

“There’s a need for programmes to bring people out safely, when they’ve attached their identity to this it’s hard to get them to exit with dignity.”

Online, several New Zealand-based Facebook support groups offer advice for those grappling with the impacts of misinformation on their own mental health and their relationships with partners, friends and family.

One of these, FACT Aotearoa, say they formed due to the lack of official support networks. “We’re not aware of any publicly available, formally-funded help that’s specifically about this problem,” says Stephen Judd, FACT Aotearoa spokesman. “People are experiencing so much stress and strain when they’re trying to maintain relationships with those who have gone down the rabbit hole – nobody seems to know what to do.” His organisation wanted to see a model like in some German states, where there is state-funded counselling and support services specifically focusing on those impacted by conspiracy theories.

Social justice campaigner Anjum Rahman agrees there needs to be “urgent attention” in this space. A key tactic of many extremist groups was to alienate people from those they love, and entice them in further, she says. Research has shown family engagement can help prevent radicalisation and help people back from extremist thinking. “These groups want to make sure [people] are disconnected from those they trust, friends and family, because that’s a key part of being able to keep them in the thing, whatever it is.

“When you’re in the space where you’ve lost trust in institutions but also family and friends and people who might help you, it’s even harder to get out.”

He Whenua Taurikura has just been set up as New Zealand’s National Centre of Research Excellence for Preventing and Countering Violent Extremism, a recommendation of the Royal Commission. Co-director Professor Joanna Kidman said one of its key areas of focus would be how to help whānau address misinformation in family settings, and how to maintain relationships when faced with extreme views.

“A lot of international attention has been focused on how and why people engage in disinformation and conspiracy networks, but less time has been given to understanding how we might address deradicalisation or disengagement,” she said.

“There’s a real need for locally-driven strategies and initiatives that will help families or communities here in Aotearoa when someone close to them gets caught up in these networks or is recruited into them.”

For Mel, there was no way through. Her husband is now her ex, and she’s glad she left.

“All indicators pointed to him moving off in this very particular direction as a person, and I wasn’t going in the same way. By the end, all the love was gone.”

“I had to move away and give myself mental space to exhale, and not have the doom and gloom in the back of my head. It was the right thing to do.”

Keep going!
Oscar Kightley at Rutherford College (Image: Tim D)
Oscar Kightley at Rutherford College (Image: Tim D)

PartnersAugust 18, 2022

Osa and the insides: Oscar Kightley on the return of Dawn Raids, 25 years on

Oscar Kightley at Rutherford College (Image: Tim D)
Oscar Kightley at Rutherford College (Image: Tim D)

As his play returns to the stage in Tāmaki Makaurau, Oscar Kightley sits down with Toby Manhire to reflect on the injustices it tackles, on a dazzling body of work, on family, on community, and on the places he calls home.

To celebrate 10 years of Parrotdog, The Spinoff is partnering with the brewery to share the stories of New Zealanders doing great things. In the first series of Birdseye View, we’re interviewing 10 interesting Aucklanders about their relationship with the city and how it shapes their lives. 

Oscar Kightley’s first distinct memory has him on the way to the airport in Apia. It is 1973. He is four years old and about to move to New Zealand, though he doesn’t know it. “It was the first time I got to ride in a car. I didn’t know we were going to the airport. ‘Wow, a car!’” he says, channelling his four-year-old self. “And I got to go in it. Next minute we’re going to the airport. It was only two villages down the road.”

His destination and new home: Te Atatū, Auckland. He moved in with his aunty and uncle, becoming part of their family. For a long time he assumed that had always been the plan, but in fact on that drive to the airport in Samoa, his mum meant for them both to return in a few weeks. It was to be a holiday with family. But his aunty persuaded his mum he should stay.

“My mum told me what happened years later,” says Kightley, with a wince. “She had just lost her husband.” Your father? “Yeah. It was hard for my mum. She’s 25. She’s about to lose her four-year-old. I know it was tough. I laboured under the misapprehension for most of my life that I was brought here and left here. Actually what happened was my aunty was like, we should look after him. Samoans were coming to New Zealand. It was an opportunity – for schooling and everything. And she went back. So I grew up with my aunty and uncle and all their kids. They became my siblings. That was Te Atatū.”

The first New Zealand memories are “pretty terrifying”, he says. “Not speaking English. Settling in. New country, new language. Being hardout shy. Being scared of teachers. White kids.” It was the 1970s. “Back then no one talked to kids. Nowadays I think we’re better at telling kids what’s happening. Back then, nothing was ever explained. You just did it. You just got on with it.”

Another thing no one much discussed was the dawn raids. The invasions of Pasifika homes by the state, in the name of a crackdown on “overstayers”, hung heavy in the air and fresh in the memory from 1974 and into the 80s. But: “No one ever talked about it. Why would you? I think we were made to feel ashamed.”

Oscar Kightley walks along the field at his old college (Image: Tim D)

Growing up Kightley picked up bits and pieces about what had happened. “Our house, like many Samoan houses, was like a satellite immigration department. We did have relatives come in, stay, and then leave. It was just something I heard.”

When he was 23, and living in Christchurch, a founding member of the Pacific Underground arts collective, Kightley decided to write the play. He did it because someone had to. “There were no shows. No discussions. Not even an acknowledgment it happened. We were expected to just suck it up and move on.” After more than a year of research and wrestling with the idea he completed the script, and a few years later, in 1997, it was staged in Auckland and Christchurch. Tonight, 25 years on, a new production, a collaboration between Pacific Underground and Auckland Theatre Company, opens. The return is prompted in part by last year’s “formal and unreserved apology” from the government – an apology Kightley regards as necessary but not sufficient.

Osa and his mum in Samoa. (Photo: Supplied)

The impact was immediate and lingering. It was “insidious”, says Kightley. “Are we really these people that everyone is so afraid of? No one else had police and dogs accompanying immigration officials to people’s homes. It still messes me up. It still beggars belief, for me, that it happened. And those attitudes are still here. Look at – fuck – look at that story this morning about those poor workers in Blenheim.” We’re talking on the day Stuff published a report headlined “Migrant workers packed in freezing, damp rooms for $150 a week”. He says: “These are the sort of companies that were crying out to let in workers and when they are let in they still treat them like shit. Because they see them as less than human, not deserving of the same respect, because they’re from the islands.” 

Some things have changed, some haven’t. Just when he’s beginning to think it’s all different, he’ll find himself online. “I read the comments at and I think: fuck. Essentially a lot of people don’t care. ‘They’re Islanders. They shouldn’t have overstayed.’ They’re still buying Muldoon’s schtick … I thought, after all this time, after they saw how many Islanders have helped build this place, I thought the attitudes would have softened. It doesn’t seem that way. You still get that attitude,” he says. “Maybe it will always be there.” 

“I’m nervous as fuck,” says Oscar Kightley. We’re sitting outside a cafe in Grey Lynn, another of his stomping grounds, and he’s laughing at his own apprehension. In a career spanning three decades, Kightley has won countless critical and commercial accolades, received a royal honour, and amassed a formidable body of work spanning theatre, TV and film, as writer, actor and director. Pacific Underground. Bro’Town. The Naked Samoans. Harry. Sione’s Wedding. He wrote Dawn Raids and he directed Dawn Raid – the documentary about the South Auckland hip hop label that borrowed its name from the events of the 70s. And that’s just the top shelf. He’s a journalist, a columnist, a broadcaster; he even for a few seasons did sideline commentary for Super Rugby. But he’s still nervous. How nervous? “I’m a squirming fucking mess. I see the posters, I think fuck. I see the dates and, fuck.”

The nerves aren’t about the production – he has every faith in the team led by director Troy Tu’ua. He’s urged them to shape it however they please. So what then? “Maybe it’s because of this piece in particular. Maybe because of the response in 1997 – it only got to do two seasons. Maybe it’s because it’s the first and only play I’ve written on my own.” It’s a story that speaks to an almost unbearably weighty episode in his community. And something that draws on all those different parts of his professional life: the journalist, the activist, the director (the first production), the actor (he was Sione in the second), the writer of comedy and drama tangled up together. 

The cast of Fresh Off the Boat, co-written by Kightley and produced by Pacific Underground, in 1993. (Photo: Supplied)

“I’m still sensitive, still too sensitive after all this other shit we’ve been discussing happened,” he says, examining the contents of his coffee mug. “I’ll still feel like I felt on opening night [in 1997], which is: hearing the words come out and thinking, people are getting a glimpse inside you … Maybe it’s because it means so much to me. Out of everything I’ve done, Dawn Raids is the one I’ve got a weird relationship with.”

He had to be persuaded to go with that title in 1997. “It was a full-on term for us and I didn’t want it to hold fear for anyone who might come to see it. I’d rather bring people to a piece of work and surprise and delight them when they sit in the dark.” And this is neither museum piece nor lecture. It’s a family story, with laughs – “an exploration of how our community reacted”.

Kightley’s experience of the play since it was last professionally staged all those years ago has been in schools, where students have performed the show as part of classwork. He’s felt “amazed and grateful” to witness performances that were “brilliant, hilarious and sometimes terrible. I loved it. I’d sit at the back and watch these nervous sixth formers.”

In 1997 he’d sit at the back and shiver. “I was so sensitive to how stuff was perceived. I’ve tried to make myself less sensitive. And maybe I’m better at building a thicker skin but those feelings are not far below the surface. I’m excited and grateful at the same time. But it’s like somebody opening you up and having a look at your insides.”

Oscar Kightley embraced being funny when he was at Rutherford College, Te Atatū. At some point, he says, “I just started taking the piss.” His class went to see the film Gandhi and he promptly made some glasses in Mahatma’s image in metalwork. “I walked around in my Gandhi glasses for months.” Having relaxed into the role of making people laugh, “I found life a lot less stressful.” Almost four decades later, his final column for the Sunday News concluded with a Gandhi quote. (He also found room in there for JFK and Boyz II Men.) 

In Kightley’s work, comedy is everywhere – it’s earned him fame through the plays, the Naked Samoans, Bro’Town and Sione’s Wedding. But in Dawn Raids and elsewhere the humour mingles with anguish, just as Kightley’s intoxicating grin can tip almost imperceptibly into a grimace, or tenderness, or melancholy.

When he was living in Wellington, working on Gibson Group comedy shows Skitz and Telly Laughs with people like Jemaine Clement, Cal Wilson and his great friend and collaborator Dave Fane, Kightley devised a strategy for dealing with the overbearing attentions of police. He printed out and laminated a card with answers to the stock questions unleashed when they pulled him over.

“We were profiled like shit,” he recalls. “You always knew the questions and the order they would come. So I just thought I would help us both, me and the cop, to move more expediently on with our evenings.”

He still sees it going on today. “Poor kids. Pulled over for being young. Pulled over for being brown. Pulled over for driving a crappy car.” And he’s happy for others to pick up the concept. “I recommend it. If you find that happening to you a lot. It just shows them you know what’s going on.”

A few years earlier, before he shifted to Christchurch to present the youth TV show Life in the Fridge Exists (L.I.F.E) and launched into Pacific Underground, Kightley was a cadet at the Auckland Star, then the city’s evening newspaper. He joined as Osa, but the editor, Jim Tucker, suggested Oscar might work better as a byline. 

Oscar Kightley at Rutherford College (Image: Tim D)

“He’s a nice guy. He wasn’t being an arsehole about it. He was trying to be a friendly boss,” says Kightley. “At the time, because I was such a reader and I loved Oscar Wilde, I didn’t mind. I was like, yeah, cool, I’m Oscar now.” Looking back, he says, it was “another advance in my lessons about New Zealand”. 

“At home,” he says, “I’m still Osa. I’m still Osa to all my cousins and and people I went to school with.” He pauses and corrects himself: to most of his old school friends, and to his teachers, he’s Ossah, he says, as in Oscar just without the C. “That’s the horrible way they pronounced it. You never corrected it back then.” Because it was routinely mangled, “I kinda didn’t like my name, so when I was presented with the option of changing to the Anglicised version, I was like, yeah, at least people will be able to say it. But I’m still Osa. Oscar’s my public name.”

Dawn Raids is back on stage; the Naked Samons regrouped a couple of years ago; A prequel to Sione’s Wedding immersed in the 80s (“that was a real buzz”), called Duckrockers, will soon come to TV. What about a sixth series of Bro’Town? “I’d like to do a movie,” he says, “but we’d need to adjust the tone – rightfully so, sensibilities have changed over the years.”

He hesitates: maybe Morningside is not for life. “I’d like to see young cats do a different Bro’Town. Not Bro’Town but something that’s more relevant for today,” he says, before recounting some of the scenes of young brown kids he’s observed in recent weeks wandering the Auckland streets after school. 

Bro’Town ran for five series from 2004 to 2009.

And Harry? The 2013 TV drama cast Kightley alongside Sam Neill as south Auckland cops. Both were brilliant. It was shamefully under-celebrated and lasted just one series. “It was hard,” says Kightley. “In comedy you get to hide. But I was proud of that. I was pissed off it didn’t go again.” That might have had something to do, he suggests, with TV3’s pivot to “shiny floor shows”. 

It was also exhausting – he drank too much in the evenings in an effort to “wash my mind at the end of the day’s work”, he says. “Your body doesn’t know that you’re just acting.” 

“I had a terrible time,” he says. “I loved it.” He remains available for series two. 

Kightley counts himself lucky to have had four parents. His father died when he was a kid. His aunty and uncle have in recent years passed. His mother moved to Auckland. She lives today in Morningside. He’s a father himself now. His son is three, growing up, as his father did, in Te Atatū. Kightley leans across the table and shows me a picture of his own dad and flicks to one of his boy – the resemblance is clear enough. “Having this little guy changed me a bit.” 

Becoming a parent is one of the reasons Kightley decided to throw his hat into another ring. He’s running for the Henderson-Massey local board. “The New Zealand I met in the Te Atatū of the 70s and 80s had a large part in forming me.” Much has changed around the place, including his suburb’s name. What was Te Atatū North is these days the estate-agent-friendly Te Atatū Peninsula. Te Atatū then was full working class, grittier. Police would roll into the tavern, he says, and pretty much just “bash people”. “That was my introduction to New Zealand. It wasn’t the flashest place. But it was awesome. It’s flash now. It’s got two sushi places.”

He laughs at the idea that this might be just the first rung on a political career. “There’s a big saying in Samoa, the path to leadership is through service [o le ala i le pule o le tautua]. It’s not meant to be about ego or vanity. It’s: can I help?”

He’s up for it, too, because he covered council meetings in Waitematā. “I remember as a cadet journalist at the Star, thinking, ‘this is going to be boring’. It wasn’t boring at all. It was awesome.” The fact that a young Tim Shadbolt was in his prime at the time might, however, have had something to do with that.

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Toby Manhire
— Editor-at-large

And while he’s uneasy about some of the more doctrinaire or pious expressions around representation, that does figure in the decision to put his name forward – it’s always has. “When you’re part of a group of people that have been told you don’t belong here, so many aspects of your life then become about showing that you do.”

He says: “I hate the narrative of Islanders coming here for a better life, because it isn’t always a better life. It’s not like that’s some terrible place and this is a nirvana. But I always had that drive – especially after I was older and found out what had happened with Mum. I was, oh shit, I’ve got to make her sacrifice, all our parents’ sacrifices, worth it.”

That contributed to making Oscar Kightley “quite intense as a young artist,” he says, wheezing through what I think is a grin. “Probably too sensitive. Now I realise: focus on what’s important to you and it will work for other people.” Strip away everything else, he says, and the motivation is straightforward. “I just want to make work that will make my mum proud and not make my son cringe.”

He swipes open his phone again to a picture of his three-year-old. “I named him Osa. I thought, no one’s going to mispronounce his name.”

Dawn Raids is at the Waterfront Theatre to September 3.