It’s been three years, and I still can’t stop thinking about him.
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Help me Hera,
About three years ago, I met this guy from Wellington. It was a month after my first ever breakup, and we were hooking up on and off. It was on and off because I kept growing feelings for him and even confessed to him… many times. But the next time we met, it was as if nothing happened. He continued to sleep with me. I moved back to my hometown, but before that, we hooked up twice, and he started ghosting me.
Once I was settled in my hometown I booked a ticket to Barcelona for a new journey. I was over him for maybe 12 hours, until he messaged me. He said he’d come and visit me in my hometown. Like a simp, I waited. Everyone told me not to reply, but I did. After that, it was hot and cold. Sometimes he would respond to my messages. When he didn’t, I felt dread. Months later, I knew he was never going to come and messaged him that this cycle needed to end because I keep having feelings for him. This happened in May last year. In November, I moved to Barcelona. Very far away. But I’m still holding onto to him.
I can’t move on. I date guys, it goes OK, but things don’t work out and then I go back to thinking about him. I have been in Barcelona for two months and decided to move back home, even though the plan was supposed to be to stay for a year. I can’t help but feel like I’m limiting or sabotaging myself because I’m still not over him. Even when I make plans for my future, theys end up with me wanting to move back to the city he lives in.
I don’t know what I want. I’m disappointed in myself for feeling homesick and wanting to leave Barcelona sooner than expected. My dating life is in a dry spell and I’ve accepted that I should just be a cat lady with a stable job. I don’t know what to do – I just can’t feel like having this one guy occupying my mind for over two years is not healthy and is affecting my own personal development. I feel like I don’t know myself because my personality just stems from other people.
Barcelona was supposed to be a way for me to figure that out about myself but I just don’t like living here because I crave stability. I don’t know what I’m saying. We still follow each other and are Facebook friends and I’m scared to remove him because I would be letting him go forever. If you have any advice, please advise me with sensitivity.
Sincerely, Stuck
Dear Stuck,
There’s nothing wrong with being a cat lady with a stable job. But this should be an aspirational state of hard-won inner peace, rather than an act of spiritual resignation. You are too young to give up on love when it’s something you obviously want.
You say two interesting things in this letter. The first is that your recurring obsession with this guy feels like a form of self-sabotage. The second is that you worry you don’t know yourself, and your “personality” comes from how you are seen by others. I feel like these are the deeper issues you need to address, and this guy has a lot less power over you than you’re giving him credit for.
It’s obvious you know perfectly well this guy isn’t good for you, and hoping that he’ll come around is an exercise in futility. For what it’s worth, he sounds like a garden-variety jackass. His motives are uninteresting. Keeping you on the hook flatters his ego and makes him feel important. Guys like this are a dime a dozen. The more pertinent question is, why aren’t you prepared to let him go?
The truth is, you don’t know this man. Not really. In the intervening years between your sporadic hookups, he has accumulated unearned significance. He’s a cardboard cutout that would wilt in a sudden downpour, and the emotional power he wields over you has nothing to do with his dubious merits as a person.
That doesn’t mean you’re delusional or that the pain isn’t real. It can sometimes be harder to get over someone you don’t know. When you break up with someone you’ve dated for years, the hurt you feel is at least partially mitigated by the negative aspects of their personality – their annoying habits and mendacious personality traits. But breaking up with a fantasy is harder, because they’re an imaginative stand-in for all your deepest hopes and fears. You can’t have relationship problems with a person you’re not in a relationship with, nor do you have to submit to the humiliating ordeal of being known. Giving up a fantasy means giving up a part of yourself, a private wellspring in which you can comfort and torment yourself in equal measure. Fantasies are safe. Even the ones that hurt us, in which we’re betrayed, or our love is unreciprocated, can be a way of funnelling unacknowledged pain and nameless existential dread into a convenient person-shaped container.
There’s something emotionally addictive about getting enmeshed with someone who blows hot and cold, especially if you are one of the many people who struggle with self-worth. You feel as if you said exactly the right thing, or looked a particular way, perhaps you’d finally be able to prove something to yourself. In reality, it’s a rigged game because this guy is clearly not interested, and chasing after him is only going to damage your self-esteem.
Fantasy isn’t for cowards. It can show us our deepest needs, and be a powerful survival tool when we’re in a difficult place. But you can’t live in the fantasy forever, because it will stop you from engaging fully with life. It’s like eating the fruit at the goblin market. You feel imaginatively satiated when in reality you’re growing thin on false hope.
Giving up on the fantasy is hard. Reality may seem cold and unforgiving by comparison. But you need to permanently shut that door to avoid being stuck in a haunted house of your own making.
I do think it would help you to close all lines of communication with this guy and block him on social media. I can understand if you’re not ready to do it immediately. Maybe you need some sort of ritual, like writing an anguished break-up letter (that you under no circumstances send) or setting fire to something small and ceremonial, in the company of friends. You need to make some kind of symbolic commitment to yourself, to stop yourself from returning to that well of perpetual disappointment.
However, I also think you’re not giving yourself enough credit. It sounds like you’re doing lots of smart and courageous things. Moving countries was a really brave thing to do! Your feelings of alienation and homesickness don’t mean your decision was a failure. The truth is that moving countries is a really hard and stressful enterprise, even at the best of times, especially when you’ve been away just long enough for the novelty to wear off and the homesickness to set in.
That doesn’t mean you made the wrong choice! In fact, I would encourage you to stick it out a little longer. Even if it’s not the vision of paradise you imagined, I think if you can tolerate the initial loneliness and discomfort, you will be grateful for the experience. Do you think you could commit to six months? It may give you a better sense of who you are as a person and help you feel more confident and at peace in the world, even if it’s difficult and overwhelming at times.
It’s easy to get stuck in a fantasy when we’re missing something in our lives. We keep ourselves in pain when our lives feel empty. You say your personality “stems from other people”. This is a completely normal feeling for a young person to have. We learn how to be by trying things out, and throwing ourselves headlong into the world. What are you most passionate about? Politics? Creativity? Good old-fashioned book learning? Is there some other area of your life where you could funnel some of that excess imaginative energy?
It must feel like you’re not making progress. But every time you put yourself out there – go on another date, travel to a new place, engage with the world around you – you are taking a step in the right direction. Progress isn’t always linear, so be kind to yourself when you feel yourself backsliding.
If you are really struggling with your feelings for this guy and can’t get unstuck, I’d recommend finding a therapist and talking this through with them. You don’t have to work through the pain alone, and sometimes it helps to hear a fresh perspective on things from a seasoned professional.
But in order to move on, you need to close the door on this man. You deserve so much more than the nothing he has to offer.
Best of luck.
