I’m 25 and still living with my parents. I can afford to move out… so why haven’t I?

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Hello, Hera!

I’m 25 years old and live with my parents. Not really a shocker in today’s economy. Every so often, I’ll check the online statistics for young adults living at home to make myself feel better, but I wonder why I don’t seem to be equipped with the “hey, buddy, it’s time to leave the nest” gene. Humans are foolish. I’m aware that most of us have no idea what we’re doing, but amid that fog, other people seem to have an inkling of a direction to go in and the person they want to become.

After finishing high school, I decided not to go to university of my own accord, and crossed it off my list without any regret. The lack of student loans proved helpful. I have a shitload of money, almost enough for a deposit on a first home.

Only, I’m not sure if I want a house. “Overprivileged and ungrateful!” I hear the masses shout. I get it. From what I’ve seen on the news, home ownership for someone my age is nothing less than a miracle. My parents love me and I’m extraordinarily fortunate they’re encouraging me to stay with them for as long as it takes for me to afford my first home. I have a damn good job too. I don’t feel any compulsion to own a house. What would I do with it? I’m concerned after living with my family for so long, I’d be lonely. Get a roommate, then, dumbass! I don’t want to live with people I don’t know.

I’ve worked, saved, and have a roof over my head with a support system I can always rely on. I should be thrilled with the progress I’ve made, but the problem is I’m not. There are days when the fact I’m living at home couldn’t be further from my mind, but every so often, I get hit with this wave where I feel miserable and downtrodden for being where I am in life, how I’ve dug myself into a hole through cowardice.

If I’m unhappy, I should want to change my situation, shouldn’t I? Alas, I am a creature of comfort. My parents assure me, “If you don’t like the house you buy, you simply sell it and move on.” If I decided to rent, “You’d be giving away your money to a landlord who’d kick you out on your ass as soon as they decide they want to renovate the place.”

I’ve no fucking idea what I want. I don’t want to set down roots in my hometown, but I don’t feel ready to leave yet either. I worry if by staying at home, I’m missing out on life skills, maturity, and that shiny word: independence. I get so pissed off with myself for not having the balls to pursue my own life. I’ve done things before – I graduated high school, got my driver licence – but this fear quakes me. The idea of leaving home seems an impassable wall.

Long story short, I’m stuck. I browse local rentals as though seeing the right one will make something click inside my head. I wait for something to change my state of mind, and wait, and wait, and wait. What am I waiting for? Rescue? A light-bulb moment?

Stuck

Dear Stuck,

If it makes you feel any better, the statistics are on your side. If you lived in Italy, you’d have another five years before you’d be expected to vacate the nest. The reason you’ve ended up stuck at home is probably a combination of factors, including but not limited to: rising cost of living, choosing not to attend university, existential indecision, and perhaps most importantly, being in your early 20s during a pandemic. It’s like a mini ice age descended, and everyone went into suspended animation, clutching their Pixar acorns. Being frozen in place is a lot more debilitating when you’re young, and hovering on the precipice of your adult life. 

It’s great you have such a strong relationship with your parents. But I still think you should move out. Not because you’re a failure or a coward or god forbid, a statistical anomaly. But because it’s obviously negatively impacting your self-esteem, and the longer you stay marinating under your parents’ well insulated roof, the harder it will feel to leave. 

You’re so close to being able to afford a house, something many people only dream of. So why aren’t you more excited? 

I’ll tell you why. It’s because 25-year-olds aren’t supposed to dream of owning property. 25-year-olds are supposed to dream of moving to Peru and becoming a surfing instructor, or joining the Spanish Civil war, or something equally irresponsible. You’re only supposed to get excited about buying a house after suffering the indignity of a Barfoot & Thompson rental, with a colony of bees building a replica model of the palace of Versailles inside your bedroom walls. I’m not saying it’s not a good idea to buy a house, if you can afford one. Just that you’d be forgiven for not getting excited about paint swatches and kitchen counter laminates at your stage of life. 

It’s hard to move out of home for the first time. You may even temporarily regret it, and wish to return. But here’s my pitch: 

Life is not about maximising your own comfort. Life is about finding purpose and meaning, and experiencing what you can of the world before you are dead. It is nearly impossible to do that from the safety of your parents’ couch. You can’t be expected to know who you are, or what you want to do, without making bold choices and embarrassing mistakes. You must to be willing to get things wrong. 

There are many amazing things about owning property. Being able to make as much noise as you like. Painting the walls neon green, and filling the garden with marigolds. Throwing ragers. Staying up until 4am watching aquarium livestreams. Getting a pet (a great solution for loneliness). Your parents are right that a house is just a house, and can be sold. But considering you don’t even know what city you want to live in, investing in property might be a little premature. I wonder if you might benefit from putting the bulk of your savings aside in some sort of high interest account for a year, withdrawing a small amount, and spending it on something totally irresponsible, like backpacking around the Balkans, or taking a boat trip down the Amazon. It’s fine not to go to university and saddle yourself with student loans. But I wonder if it’s wise to skip all those formative experiences and go directly to middle age without passing go. If you’re not inclined to travel, why not try renting in another city, and living off your paycheck? This will give you more information about where you might like to live, and help build a little self-confidence. 

I think you’re vastly overestimating the amount of people who know what they want to do with their lives. Most of the people that think they know, will probably change their minds at some point. But even if you don’t know what you want to do, on some grand existential level, it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong. You just don’t have all the information yet. The way you get that information is by trying things. Jobs, countries, partners, friends.

Forget the big picture for a moment. What else do you want to experience in this life? Travel? Romance? Learning to play the harmonica? Seeing a sumatran tiger? Getting ripped? If you knew you only had a few years left on this planet, before God dropkicked you into the sun, how would you spend them? You don’t have to have it all figured out, to have something to aim for. Spend a night on your virtual deathbed and get back to me. 

No matter what you do, you are going to get things wrong, and make some bad decisions. I have made many of them in my life, and some of them have even been character building. Others have had unexpected positive consequences which would never have come about if I hadn’t fucked it all up in the first place.

I don’t think that your reluctance to leave home means there’s anything wrong with you. But I think you need to prove something to yourself. I am hoping this letter emboldens you to, at the very least, get out of your comfort zone and see some more of the world. Do a few stupid things on purpose. You can always move back in with your parents, if it all goes wrong. Many people do. Progress isn’t always linear. 

Financial security is important, and I think the goal of buying a house in your 20s is an excellent one. But you can also afford to take a year off, and have some experiences before signing a mortgage. Time is the most precious thing we have in this life, and the one thing you can never get back. You’re always going to regret something, so you might as well choose your regrets boldly, with the confidence of someone with a full bank account and a loving family to fall back on. 

Good luck!