Need some New Year’s resolutions? Try a few of these ideas to improve your online* life over the coming 12 months.

I will not dunk on people online. This year, dunks will be kept to the basketball court.

I will not post something on social media that would be better addressed to a single friend, the group chat, or the wall.

I will think twice about speaking my opinion, especially in a situation where it is neither asked for nor will it improve the quality of the conversation.

I will consider whether someone’s tweet is really about me or if my reaction is in fact a product of my relationship with a parental figure, or lack thereof.

If I want to post vaguely about someone or replace letters in their name with punctuation, I will instead consider directing the thoughts and feelings about that person somewhere they can be productively resolved. 

I will remember that while social media can give me a psychological lift, it is not an adequate substitute for therapy.

I have maybe about five things on which I am more qualified to speak on than somebody else. For everything else, I will weigh my knowledge and experience against someone else’s, and then give or receive advice accordingly.

I will stay in my ideological lane, and if I choose to get out of it, I will indicate for three seconds.

I will acknowledge that in many cases, my opinion matters to someone as much as their opinion matters to me (not at all).

I will use two-factor authentication, acknowledging that while it might be more annoying than not using it, it is still significantly less annoying than being hacked.

I will not be overfamiliar with strangers on the internet. That’s what friends, family, and select enemies are for.

I will not judge parents for how they are parenting their kids. Most people are doing their best and those that aren’t definitely won’t value or appreciate my input.

I will judiciously mute and/or block people on social media if they consistently annoy me or make my online experience stressful in any way. 

I will remember that nobody on the internet, especially a stranger, is entitled to my time and energy.

I acknowledge that hate-following someone is a form of especially banal self harm and a particularly shallow well to draw joy from. I will therefore choose my hate-follows wisely and judiciously.

I will not take personal offence at someone’s preference, especially if that preference is about something that doesn’t matter in the short, mid or long term or is about something superficial that doesn’t impact me.

I will not tag someone on Facebook because it is 2022.

I will not comment on a stranger’s selfie.

I will acknowledge that someone disagreeing with me on the internet is not the same as cancelling me.

I will approach people with the assumption that they are a decent and kind person trying their best, and hope that they will do the same for me. 

I will do at least one thing in the morning before I check my notifications. Notifications can wait.

I will live my life in a way that does not allow someone to quote any lyric from Into the Woods at me (ie. “You’re not good, you’re not nice, you’re just right”).

Really, I will live my life in a way that doesn’t make me suitable for depiction in a Sondheim musical or any other kind of theatrical output.

I will apologise if I find out that I’m wrong because it won’t make me shatter to one million billion humiliated pieces that are impossible to put back together into a human being again.

I will remember that the internet was meant to be a boon to human existence, not an anchor in my pocket that warps every thought, influences every decision and breaks the world by algorithm or by intention.

I will hopefully try and be a little less online because, my god, it’s just a big ol’ trashcan fire on there.

*Some of these also might be applicable in real life.