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TechAugust 13, 2021

All the classic Windows screensavers, ranked

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Don’t move that mouse! Hang around and relive the best of the classic screensavers, ranked from worst to best.

Picture this: You step away from your computer for a few minutes. Maybe you make some lunch, or you spend time looking at your smaller screen, as though the internet’s going to be any different there. Eventually, you come back to your computer. Rather than whatever you’ve named your computer showing up on your screen (mine is called Clarissa), popping up and then fading away, there’s a funky little animation. It is, ladies and gentlemen, a screensaver.

Unfortunately, the heyday of the screensaver is well and truly gone. It’s all lock screens and passcodes now. So right now, just for a few hundred words, let’s go back to a time when a screensaver was just about the most technically advanced thing you could do with a computer, alongside Minesweeper and “launch a nuclear warhead” (provided you have the codes).

It’s all the classic PC screensavers, ranked from worst to best. (If you’re thinking of a logo bouncing around, you’re thinking of a DVD player.)

18. Your photos as a slideshow

This is technically a Windows XP screensaver, but XP probably counts as “classic” now (if we’re using radio’s definition of “classic”), so it’s here. Your photos should not be your screensaver! They’re dumb and distracting.

17. Windows ‘98 wallpaper

Literally just a wallpaper. It’s the default. Do you know what default is French for? “Settles for less than nothing.” (I don’t speak French.)

16. The haunted house

This is just Scooby Doo and/or Hardy Boys concept art, slightly animated. Haunted house? This is barely a slightly disturbed house.

15. The baseball game

Only slightly worse than watching an actual game of baseball, which is only slightly better than watching a game of cricket, which is much better than watching a game of social cricket, which is roughly as good as using Windows 95s through XP.

14. The forest floor

Bugs! Honestly, this mostly just reminds me of that scene in The Lion King where a meerkat and a warthog convince an apex predator to eat bugs rather than them. Geniuses.

13. The Golden Age

Picture this: you come back to your computer after making a warm cup of tea. The only light emanating from your (probably grey, bulky) Window PC are little gadgets from ‘The Golden Age’ floating across your screen.

The scary part? You didn’t even choose this screensaver. It chose itself. 

12. The rainforest/jungle

In 1995, a quite lovely view of what the Amazon might look like.

In 2021, a bleak view of what the Amazon rainforest used to look like. Enjoy!

11. The swirl

Pretty sure this is just Windows Media Player. I’m not mad at it, but call a spade a spade, and call a mid-90s visual music accompaniment just that.

10. Flying logos

Capitalism never looked so dazzling. Was this the 1995 equivalent of the train coming at the screen in the early 20th century?

9. The circuit board

I can say, with no exaggeration or lie, that this is pretty much exactly what I thought the inside of my computer looked like.

8. The astronaut adrift

Did you know the 2013 Sandra Bullock vehicle Gravity, directed by Alfonso Cuarón, was loosely adapted from this screensaver? The more you know.

In slight seriousness, this has all the existential terror of well, modern life, with all the creepiness of the Golden Age gadgets. I love it, and never want to see it again.

7. 3D text

The best use of this was to prank your friends. “I know what you did last summer”, “Princess Diana was an inside job”, “your haircut is unflattering”. That sort of thing.

6. Starfield

If you couldn’t afford to rent Star Wars on VHS as a kid, this was the next best thing.

5. The building blocks

Oh, hell yeah. This is the kind of thing that your average film school student would sit in front of, baked out of his mind, and go, “Oh, hell yeah.”

Even now, fully sober, I can watch this and be calmed into a soft state as the computer rearranges my screen into blocks, and slowly, slowly builds them into a meaningless structure. Hey! Sounds a bit like the algorithm. 

4. The morphing cube

In the 90s, this was basically animated TV. If they had an Emmy for Best Animated Series, it would be a tight race between this cube and The Simpsons. 

3. ‘Mystify’

If the swirl is “Windows Media Player”, then Mystify is “Windows Media Player visualisation after a big night out”. This is the swirl when the swirl’s parents are away and the swirl has access to a liquor cabinet.

2. The pipes

What lies within these pipes as they make their infernal way across the screen?

1. The maze

How could it be anything but the maze?

There’s something about the maze that simply elevates it above the rest: a sense of narrative, of progression, like you might actually get the end of it. Of course, you never can, it simply loops and randomly generates. But ultimately, the reason why it takes out the top spot is simple: It was the best damn thing you could do on a computer that ran Windows 95-98.

Peace out, leave that mouse alone and let the screen take over.

Keep going!
Metaverse uber-fan Mark Zuckerberg
Metaverse uber-fan Mark Zuckerberg

TechAugust 11, 2021

What comes after the internet? Welcome to ‘the Metaverse’

Metaverse uber-fan Mark Zuckerberg
Metaverse uber-fan Mark Zuckerberg

Mark Zuckerberg is among the tech evangelists telling us to prepare for a future of fully interconnected technologies, networks and virtual worlds. But is that a future for the rest of us to look forward to, wonders Hal Crawford.

I live south of Sydney, on the fringe of the national park, and most often on these cold, late-winter mornings there’s smoke on the air from wood heaters. We’ve been watching the “empty Olympics” on TV, we’re locked down, and see only the neighbours. Afghanistan is falling, the climate is warming, and I can sense the memories of this strange time being laid down in my children.

The final element of flavour in the scene is “the Metaverse”. Like the internet, the metaverse is beginning its career with a capital letter, and right now it’s everywhere. Whether the word itself leaches away, or whether it becomes as foundational as “the internet”, our actual trajectory appears set.

A series of technologies – software, hardware, networking, financial – will be invented, implemented and adopted. They will change our behaviour and our societies as profoundly as the internet.

Just as “the Internet” was a concept to describe some computers, wires, and networking protocols, “the Metaverse” is a concept that describes … what exactly?

The essence seems to be a richer networked world, the hallmark of which is immersive three-dimensional experience and persistent virtual objects and worlds.

It’s hard to be more precise about something that doesn’t exist.

Like the internet, the metaverse is being championed with an enthusiasm that appears wilfully naive.

VC with a headful of ideas

Venture capitalist Matthew Ball will go down as a founding parent of the metaverse, and laid out its principles in a comprehensive series of essays earlier this year. This guy is smart and convincing, and he’s paid attention to the detail. Still, I couldn’t help feeling some satisfaction on behalf of humanity as I read through his essays: here was a wonderful example of our ability to think – some might say pretend – something into existence.

Matthew Ball

Ball is optimistic about the emergence of standards that will allow virtual objects and identities to be shifted from platform to platform, and the possibilities for work and leisure that open up. He is also realistic about the barriers to this happening right now, with discussion of computing power (he calls it “compute”) and latency in networks, among other problems to be solved.

Latency is the time it takes for a packet of data to travel over a network, and it turns out humans are sensitive to incredibly short delays in certain circumstances, like when we’re trying to read someone’s expression.

There will probably always be a certain amount of latency in online interactions because the speed of light constrains how fast a message can travel. I say “probably” because some of the things that we consider routine now – for example, being able to access the entirety of printed literature from anywhere – were previously close to unimaginable.

Facebook’s CEO Mark Zuckerberg is the highest profile business leader to have embraced the metaverse.

“I think over the next five years or so … I think we will effectively transition from people seeing us as primarily being a social media company to being a metaverse company.”

If it wasn’t already clear that this not-yet-real thing would transform media, Facebook’s whole-hearted adoption should convince you. Facebook, and Google, were built on top of the internet and re-invented advertising, in the process destroying most news media business models. But as Benedict Evans pointed out to me a few weeks ago, that is insignificant compared to what they did to business itself, allowing small businesses to advertise for the first time and creating whole sectors out of thin air.

The same will be true of the metaverse. Here is Matthew Ball writing on what happens to content:

“The metaverse will also lead to the establishment of many new entertainment franchises and consumer-facing brands. This is because new access technologies do more than shift how consumers access content. They change the content itself.”

Ball is right. Each medium calls forth a new face. We may be considering the same questions, but every evolution of information technology modifies or transforms expression. This can be superficial – search engines encouraging boring headlines in online news – or as deep as the way social media seems to favour partisanship and exaggeration.

But what actually is it?

Before you dismiss the metaverse as a re-branded internet, consider how you would describe the internet itself to someone from the past. I am thinking about my grandmother, who was born in 1914 and died in 1995. You could explain the internet as a whole lot of computers connected together, a network that lets you send mail, make calls, do the grocery shopping, and watch movies. She would readily understand that, because all those things she already understood. But precisely because of this I wouldn’t really be explaining it. The internet changed what it was possible to do.

Remember the ‘information superhighway’? (Book cover, 1994)

If what Matthew Ball is saying is correct, then the metaverse will be like the internet all over again.

He names children’s gaming platform Roblox as the current best precursor to the “virtual platforms” that will be integral to the metaverse. I wrote about Roblox, its slow build and phenomenal success, earlier this year. Every month around 200 million humans – mostly small humans – use it.

Ball also name checks Minecraft as a virtual platform and metaverse precursor. Interesting that the future is coming out of the nursery.

Longing for something we already have

Both Zuckerberg and Ball are focused on the positive aspects of the metaverse, and Zuckerberg is convincing when he points out the flaws in current experience.

“We have these phones. They’re relatively small. A lot of the time that we’re spending, we’re basically mediating our lives and our communication through these small, glowing rectangles. I think that that’s not really how people are made to interact.”

It seems that blind optimism is the natural inclination of entrepreneurs, and without hyper-intelligent blunderers like Ball and Zuckerberg, we wouldn’t have the modern world.

We can also safely say, right now, that their optimism is ludicrous.

The flipside of a metaverse that provides a new way to work, have fun, and make social connections is new ways to fragment societies and minds. At bottom, the metaverse is a challenge to the primacy of physical reality.

It’s exciting and it’s disturbing, and once we go there, we’re not coming back.

It makes me nostalgic for the present, the simplicity of our two-dimensional screens, and the charming innocence of a social media constrained by the glowing rectangle. I return to lockdown, late winter, and the sights and smells I hope will provide a happy anchor through whatever wonder the future holds.