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Jane Yee on The Block: Peter Wolfkamp becomes an Embarrassing Dad

Our resident Blockaholic Jane Yee recaps the highs and lows from week five of The Block NZ, including Punk’d style candle prank and Dylz being very rude. 

It’s week five on The Block NZ and things are absolutely hissing along in Meadowbank. With Living Room week, there’s a whole new doorgate to get razzed up about, a lolfest in a swear jar, the long-awaited return of Glyn the council inspector and the not-so-shocking result of Dinner Wars.

1) ROOM REVEAL

Niki and Tiff’s guest bedroom was a hit. They won the week again because they are the best at making things look lovely and inviting to sit on and lie in.

Winning Room

 

Niki and Tiff are swimming in a sea of cash, which is awesome for them because it means they don’t have to shop at Freedom Furniture like those other losers, and so the circle of winning continues.

 

Tiff in not freedom

2) NO SMILES FOR GLASS TILES

When is a kitchen splashback not a kitchen splashback? When it’s a feature wall in Emma and Courtney’s guest bedroom.

Future Block NZ applicants, there’s a lesson to be learnt here and it’s this: if you’re worried it’s gonna look shit, and then it does look shit, chances are the judges will think it’s shit. No amount of negative detailing could save this guest bedroom from Paul and Fiona’s negative feedback and as a result Emma and Courtney will be wearing Pokemon outfits come Sunday’s reveal.

Judges judging wall

3) PAGING DR WARNER

A glass wall wasn’t the only drama at Room Reveal this week, as Big D left the Challenge Warehouse desperately clutching his chest. “Feels like a heart attack” he whimpered to his fellow contestants through pained gasps. Realising how urgent the situation was, Junior D was forced to flout the terms of his restricted licence and race his mentor and idol to the hospital in their trusty Honda Jazz.

The pair returned to site without an official diagnosis. I’m wondering if, perhaps, it wasn’t a heart attack at all but a case of severe indigestion caused by eating a 1kg steak at Sam and Emmett’s Dinner Wars party?

Dyls dying

4) DINNER SNORES

Speaking of Dinner Wars, the much-anticipated results were announced this week, and the whole sorry experience left me deflated like a collapsed soufflé. MediaWorks invested a lot of voice over in Dinner Wars, no doubt cocky that it would bring the drama as per.

For the first time in Block history there was nay a sniff of strategic scoring, which means there were no tantrums, tears or vengeful threats. No broken friendships, no fists through gib, no talking smack about overcooked steak and melted ice cream. For real, we wasted an entire week watching that Dinner Wars shite for absolutely no reason at all.

The soggy glacé cherry on top was having to endure a light-hearted segment about Dyls and Dylz week-old dirty Dinner Wars dishes FFS.

Dirty Dishes

5) MAN’S BEST FRIEND

Last week Wolfkamp was being a right nitpicking diddle, and this week he went all Embarrassing Dad on it, trying to make funnies with the kids. He gave the Double D’s a swear jar causing Big Dyls to say the word “profanity” 98450 times. Naturally, it was all in good humour because the Wolf isn’t afraid of using a few choice words himself – and let’s face it, these two are cut from the same tarpaulin.

Dyls and Wolf 1

Dyls and Wolf 2

6) CHALLENGES

We were at church camp for this week’s Gamechanger Challenge. The contestants had to pile on layers of nana clothing, with the fastest dresser taking away the Plus One point.

Guys, let’s take a moment to ruminate on how the Gamechanger Challenge can affect room reveal. A team could be sitting at the top of the leaderboard for producing the best room with design talent and a week’s hard graft, and they can have that well-deserved cash prize yanked from them unceremoniously because they weren’t fast enough at dressing like a nana. Seems fair.

Tiff Nana

The Design Challenge this week involved teams taking some junk and turning it into a clock. Guest judge, Jason Bonham, criticised a couple of the clocks for being a bit “junky” and Emmett was all “what did he expect? Junk plus junk doesn’t equal a high-end product.” True enough, and it got me thinking… what does amateur DIY plus extreme time pressure equal when it comes to building houses?

Team Dylsz took out the challenge with their indescribable clock-cum-skis handiwork. Useful for knowing when the chairlifts are about to close I guess?

Ski clock

There was a Creative Challenge this week that saw the teams heading to the science lab and glass-blowing dungeon to sniff each other’s armpits and chase a blowy stick around with their mouths.

Armpit sniff

Courtney blowing

The Double D’s doubled down on their clock challenge win by concocting a banana and coconut masterpiece inspired by Dyls’ giddy memory of rubbing Coppertone lotion on a girl he hooked up with one New Years at the Mount (not fact but certainly a high probability).

I don’t know why, but Mark Richardson pulled an actual nasty prank on The Dylsz when he led them to believe a candle he smashed on the Challenge Warehouse floor was their cocobanana creation. The alarmingly bad acting by guest judge Cat should’ve been a dead giveaway that it was all a big lol, but poor Little Dyls was too heartbroken to notice.

CANDLE SMASHING

Heartbroken dylz

7) TRADIE OF THE WEEK

How can you stay mad at plasterer Big Bad Bobby for being late when he turns up to work riding his sanding machine down the driveway? The answer is, you can’t.

Bobby on sander

Extra points for Big Bad Bobby and his racially problematic hat being twins.

Bob and hat

8) THE DOUBLE D HOUSE OF SEXY

Matte black electrical sockets? Sexy. Macrocarpa slab bathroom bench? Sexy. Bespoke barn doors? Sexy. I’m starting to see a theme in House Two that goes beyond ‘Rustic Beach Townhouse’. Look out Meadowbank, Dyls and Dylz are raining sex on number 2/95 St Johns Road and we’re powerless to stop it.

 

Dyls Kama Sutra solo

9) LITTLE D CRACKS A FUNNY

It’s fair to say Big D has been running The Dylsz Show, but this week Little D had his own wee moment in the spotlight. All the lads gathered at Freedom Furniture, where they were safe from Tiff’s glare, to have a moan about the judges granting Team Yellow yet another room win. In a moment of genius Junior grabbed a nearby cushion and tossed it on the ground, mocking Fiona’s infatuation with Niki and Tiff’s fluffy floor cushion. “Ten points,” the boys all yelled, and a chuffed Little D’s heart got swole with pride.

 

Little Dylz cushion

10) TERRIFIC TIFF

I’m doing a complete one-eighty here. It’s taken me a while – five weeks to be precise – but I’ve warmed up to Tiff. Not only is she really talented at putting whatsits on and around things, she’s also not to be messed with and I can’t help but admire that. As Courtney said “she’s a strong woman who knows what she wants, and she gets what she wants when she wants”. Of course the edit is trying to make out like this is a bad thing – because, yuck! A strong woman! Stop being so self-assured and get on with the nervous giggling would you please – but it’s not. It’s a good thing. No, it’s a great thing.

 

Terriffic Tiff

11) BARNDOORGATE

Just when you thought another doorgate was some sort of too-good-to-be-true fantasy, The Dylsz and Niki and Tiff both choose barn doors for their living rooms. I’m not kidding, where in the world do you get Wardrobedoorgate, Grooveddoorgate and then Barndoorgate all within weeks of each other? In Meadowbank, Auckland, New Zealand – that’s where.

 

Dyls barn door

Niki barn door

 

12) RETURN OF THE GLYN

We welcomed back Glyn the council inspector this week. God it was good to see his lovely little face again, wasn’t it? Well, it was lovely for all the teams who passed pre-line first time around…

Glyn hugs

 

But with Emma and Courtney failing their moisture test time and again, these are the expressions that faced Glyn when he entered House Three.

Glum house 3 faces

 

Those faces also happen to sum up my feels about the fact we’re only half way through this season.


The Block NZ airs Sunday 7pm and Mon-Wed at 7.30pm on TV3

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