Tara Ward counts down the top ten moments from the twelfth episode of Outlander season three. Contains major spoilers, obviously.
Nothing kills a party like a wild prophecy about a kid being 200 years old when it dies. It makes as much sense as Coco the Talking Nut and the Dunbonnet’s hair, yet when Margaret Campbell uttered her curse on this week’s episode of Outlander, I was shook to my core. I even stopped Googling “there’s a big rock in my garden, can I travel through time if I put my hands on it” for at least three minutes, so you know it got me good.
In a prophecy more complicated than the time I put together a flat-pack dining table, Margaret reckoned “a new king will rise in Scotland upon the death of a child that is 200 years old on the day of its birth”. While I worked out what the heck Margaret was wanging on about, Claire reunited with old mate Geillis Duncan, Jamie was recaptured by the Redcoats, and Lord John Grey gave everyone the side eye.
If this happens when Margaret holds three blue sapphires at once, imagine what might occur if she touches three powdered wigs at the same time, or three tiny goats, or three delicious ginger kisses? Prophecies will flow from her like a ruptured keg of crème de menthe and every single one will say “please do not think too hard about this TV show because it will make your head explode.”
‘The Bakra’ reunited old friends and foes in what was just another day in Outlander’s rich tapestry of life. Young Ian was imprisoned in Jamaica by Claire’s ex-BFF Geillis, while the new Governor turned out to be J-Fray fanboy, Lord John Grey. If only Murtagh had been hiding behind the curtains in Lord John’s mansion, then we could have all died as happy as a herd of Jamaican goats.
Holding onto my dreams, holding onto a hero, holding onto three blue sapphires and standing in my neighbour’s rockery in an attempt to disappear into a vortex of time and space.
We last saw Geillis in season 1, before she fled to Jamaica to wear incredible wigs and bathe in goat’s blood. This made me both ecstatic – goats, again! – and appalled. How many tiny little Arabella’s had carked it, for Geillis to rub her foot over Ian’s face and feed him truth serum to make him reveal Jamie stole the missing sapphire from the treasure chest that Geillis knew was hidden in the abandoned castle on Silkies Island and had sent her band of merry pirates to collect?
“She’s a touch strange, isn’t she?” Lord John said of Geillis, in the understatement of the 18th century. She’s no talking coconut, John, but I catch your drift.
There’s only one more episode of this season, and I’m not sure what else Outlander can throw at us. It definitely can’t be wigs, because there are no spare hairpieces left anywhere on the planet. In fact, at this late stage you should prepare to find me trapped beneath a hairy mountain of Outlander wigs, muttering incoherently about why Claire should’ve stayed at Mrs Baird’s for hot post-war sex with Frank instead of walking up that fecking hill to pick flowers.
Who am I kidding? I’m here for every bewildering moment of this glorious shitstorm, just like Geillis Duncan is here to aqua jog through a livestock smoothie. Let’s soak in a long, cool tub of top ten moments, as we relive the best bits of ‘The Bakra’.
Geillis Duncan is alive, ALIVE I TELL YOU
The good news is she’s more batshit crazy than ever before.
Fergus and Marsali eat pineapple while Claire searches for Young Ian and Jamie tries to avoid being arrested for murder
Young Ian’s face when the truth tea works its magic
Frank loved tea, too. Just saying.
Jamie and Claire have eye sex
Get a room, you hornbags.
Claire attacks a slave trader with her parasol
Go for gold, love.
Old mate Lord John Grey rocks up in Jamaica wearing the same wig as Jamie
Shit just got real.
Geillis recalls holding her baby for the first time, who “was as warm as his father’s balls”
Lord John and Claire face off in a battle for Jamie Fraser’s heart/loins/hair
It’s a love triangle pointier than Jamie’s hat.
Jamie is caught by the Redcoats. Again.
Hard to believe, and yet, here we are.
Lord John asks the question you should never ask of Outlander: “but…how?”
We must never speak of this again.
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