With UnREAL season two coming to an end tonight, Alex Casey shares her favourite moments of producer manipulation, contestant craziness and pant-pooping in all of dating show history.
The finale of UnREAL season two arrives to Lightbox tonight, further unraveling the vipers nest of manipulation, lies and corruption on which the twinkling lights of fictional dating show Everlasting (read: The Bachelor) are built. In two short seasons, almost every controversial topic has been broached and every outrageous stunt has been pulled by the show’s shady, power-hungry producers in the name of ratings. But how do the onscreen hijinks of Everlasting compare to the craziest moments of the real Bachelor, right here on Earth?
Here are my favourite Bachelor moments: the ones so stupid, shocking or crazy, they would even make Rachel and Quinn bow down in worship.
1) Chad soils himself
The Bachelor‘s biggest ever meathead Chad Johnson turned his specific brand of chaos up to 11 when he returned to the latest season of Bachelor in Paradise. On night one, he downed a thousand gallons of alcohol, told everyone in the house to “suck a dick” and then shat himself.
The next morning he awoke to a very stern booting from host Chris Harrison, and responded calmly by screaming about how Chris wears robes and drink mimosas (he doesn’t), polishing it all off with a chill holler of “FUCK YOU CHRIS HARRISON” to the heavens. Unreal.
2) A cupcake car speeds into town
Never forget that there is nothing funnier on this planet than an oversized cupcake that can zoom around really, really fast. Nobody knew this absolute truth more than Cupcake Chris, a smiley dentist who sped into Kaitlyn’s season of The Bachelorette to remind us all that life is just a big old joke with the occasional baked good.
3) Breaking legs for love
UnREAL has shown us repeatedly that cast and crew sleepovers happen about as often as fake panic attacks on the dating show scene. But no poor soul knows the ramifications of this more than Ryan Putz, a producer on Bachelor in Paradise. Snapped whilst sleeping with a contestant in his hotel room, Putz legged it off the balcony and fell multiple storeys, breaking both his legs. Not a franchise to shy away from breaking the fourth wall, the whole thing was caught on camera and opened the season. Just another day in paradise.
4) The ultimate slut-shame experience
Who says shows like The Bachelor can’t effectively expose double standards? Nick Viall, eternal runner-up of The Bachelor universe and chino-wearer, spoke of that which should not be spoken about (S-E-X) during the After the Final Rose special of Andi Dorfman’s season of The Bachelorette. With big baby man tears welling up in his eyes, Nick asked Andi “if you weren’t in love with me, why did you make love with me?” Chris Harrison looked far into the distance, and my skin crawled off and made a new life for itself in the Bahamas.
5) So much ocean coitus (© Jane Yee of #tfspod)
We’re going to need a bigger (love) boat.
6) Sasha eats a delicious rose
The Bachelor Australia has had some controversial moments in its time, but nothing comes close to when Sasha decided to chow down on her rose mid-ceremony. It’s basically Turkish Delight, I get it.
7) Brad gives the final rose to himself
As a wise woman once said, “I love me, I love myself and I don’t need anybody else,” an anthem which I can only assume was inspired by this heroic decision made by Brad at the end of eleventh season of The Bachelor. In the boldest of moves, Brad decided to dump both of the final two women in exchange for a lifetime of happiness with himself and his unspeakably small mouth. The final shot of the show zoomed out on a destitute Brad sitting alone on a plinth, presumably about to slip the engagement ring on his own finger and make out with a mirror.
8) God bless the onion
Ashley S was the shining light during Chris Soules’ season of The Bachelor. She bombed in on everyone’s alone time like a kamikaze moth, and then talked about blooming onions, aliens and Mesa Verde. A welcome reminder that nothing makes for great date chit chat like asking someone if they are dying inside.
9) When doves die
It was a hometown date like no other when Jason Mesnick visited Naomi’s family during season 13 of The Bachelor. With a dove plummeting into her mum’s car windshield, all Meet the Parents-style shenanigans were put on hold in order to hold a funeral for the dead bird. With the dove’s corpse stored safely in the fridge, Jason was asked to prepare a eulogy for the fallen angel. Naomi did not win.
10) Raccoons know best
to our journalism!Find Out More
The beauty of having story producers nestled off camera is that contestants can be edited to look like they are talking to whoever, or whatever, the editors want. Distraught after aforementioned ocean coitus in Bachelor in Paradise, Clare confided in her only friend on the island: a local raccoon. She also got eaten by fire ants, and would return to Paradise in the next season for a follow-up therapy session with the same raccoon over the phone. Your move, Quinn and Rachel.
Will UnREAL be able to out-crazy the weirdest mic drop moments in Bachelor history? Find out when the finale of S2 arrives on Lightbox tonight
This content, like all television coverage we do at The Spinoff, is brought to you thanks to the excellent folk at Lightbox. Do us and yourself a favour by clicking here to start a FREE 30 day trial of this truly wonderful service.
Join The Spinoff Members for as little as $1 to help us hire more journalists and do more investigations. Or get a free Toby Morris-designed tea towel when you contribute $80 or more over a year.
The Bulletin is The Spinoff’s acclaimed daily digest of New Zealand’s most important stories, delivered directly to your inbox each morning.