It’s week two on Married at First Sight NZ, and several of our couples have lost their rose-tinted glasses already.
Green up those boogie board bags, pack your versatile sarongs and make sure you say hi to Cat from The Bachelor Australia: we’re off to bloody Bali this week! With the final weddings taking place on Sunday night, our happy couples boarded the big iron bird in the sky and headed for their group honeymoon. That’s all good and well, but can we TALK about how cool holiday-mode Tony is?!
With the experts watching nearby, our couples all met each other for the very first time in Bali, adding the exciting element of pressure-through-comparison that was missing this early on last year. To use an electrical term, those who aren’t sparking better call in Dan (certified) or Tayler (apprentice) ASAP because time is surely ticking. Onto the rankings!
PS: I realised, reading another phenomenal piece of power ranking on this here website, that I have previously been listing them in the wrong order. Let us begin in hell, before slowly ascending to heaven.
6) Wayne and Ksenia
I want to talk about what I am almost certain will be the defining moment of Wayne and Ksenia’s relationship on Married at First Sight NZ so far. Sure, we could dwell on the multiple murder threats, the relentless roasting of Wayne’s appearance, or the concerted, confusing effort to get him to eat barracuda, but we simply don’t have time.
What I want to talk about, is this:
“I want to just go out and have fun,” offered Wayne, increasingly agitated at Ksenia’s reluctance to even look at him, let alone explore any part of their exotic honeymoon location. She stared straight past him, deep into the watery home of the delicious, seductive barracuda. “I wanna get jeans,” she replied. Jeans. Balinese Jeans. Beach jeans. Honeymoon jeans. Jeans.
But the distress doesn’t stop at denim. Wayne later got in big trouble for not getting Ksenia a wedding day gift, when really all he was doing was deftly avoiding a copyright law suit from Brett Renall enterprises. Then, when asked if he wanted to shift seats, he sulkily decided to stick at the end with his wife because something something vows, something something journey.
When offered the same swap, Ksenia shot out of her seat as if she had just spotted a Levi’s outlet across the room. Wayne was left in the corner, alone and livid. They tried a round of golf to save their relationship, but I’m not sure it was enough bring them closer. Upon returning to their apartment in Auckland, Wayne was wishing for only one thing: a manhole to escape through.
Also, he doesn’t even know how to spell her name. I give it one more week.
5) David and Julia
This week we were cordially invited to the holy union of David and Julia. He was an espresso martini mogul, she was an account manager for Stuff. He looked like Shrek as a human, she looked like Princess Fiona as a human. Those were the bridesmaid’s words, not mine. So why aren’t they higher in the rankings?
Before we move on: how good is Julia’s mum? From her deep-rooted fear that her daughter was about to wed a Roman emperor:
To her soothing words of comfort in the limo:
To the moment she found out about David’s martini business:
At the ceremony itself, one of the groomsmen accused David of “shitting tacks” which sounds a) extremely painful and b) like a bit of Ksenia pillow talk. Whether he was defecating drawing pins of not, Davo kept it together and even got an extremely confronting open-mouthed barracuda kiss in during the photoshoot.
As for Julia, she’s not so sure.
By the time they got to Bali, she seemed very stressed at the lack of physical attraction on her part, crumbling in her one-on-one interviews and even shutting down a probing producer who brought it up. She has also criticised his “metrosexual side”, doesn’t want to have kids with him and doesn’t want to sleep in the same bed as him.
At least in the morning, he’s making waffles.
4) Sam and Tayler
First of all: this was the most intensely stacked MAFSNZ wedding of all time. Call Norrie Montgomery Cellphone right now, because where else are you ever going to get Ben Blackwell, Erin Simpson AND Alysha from The Bachelor in the same room?! Okay, any Newmarket movie premiere, but shut up and stop ruining my special day.
Ahhh, Tayler. The sweetest sparky in the land took it as a spiritual sign that the light was flickering when he walked into the wedding venue. Mate, I’m no scientist but I’m pretty sure you’re never going to graduate from being an apprentice if you keep blaming ghosts for all your problems. Flickering light or not, Sam couldn’t look him in the eye for the longest time and I was worried we’d have another Ben and Aaron nightmare on our hands.
But then, something changed. Blame it on the dicky circuiting, blame it on Erin Simpson’s radiance, blame it on Sam saying, “do you know what the term ‘influencer’ means?” thus causing me to die and then come back to life.
In Bali, Tayler opened up about his past relationship, and Sam opened up about his faded finger tattoo. Call me the Earth’s axis, because I have been gently MOVED by these two.
Things got even closer during their group date with David and Julia, where Sam helped Tayler overcome his deep fear of the ocean and rewarded him with 1 x watery smooch. I’ve been officially influenced by Sam Levi, because now I believe in love.
3) Fraser and Monique
Things have slowed to a glacial pace for these two, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing but it does mean that Fraser has to fill in all the conversation gaps with endless anecdotes about how dorky he is. He wears bumbags! He wears 3/4 cargo pants! Mate, yawn, so do the bloody Kardashians at this point in time.
As they pottered around Bali, all klutzy slips and picture-perfect swings, FraMon devised the most outrageous relationship origin story they could imagine: they met on Tinder, and then got coffee at McDonald’s. Look, I’m all about a McCafé, but it’s still pretty bleak. At this stage I think their relationship is a bit like their high-fiving: not the best, but not the worst.
One thing is for sure: Fraser will need to sort out his tea-making skills if he has any hope of getting higher in these rankings. I don’t know how they make their tea at McDonald’s mate, but this is truly pitiful.
2) Ottie and Gareth
It was a big week for Ottie, revealing that she was once outbid on a packet of M&M’s eaten by Charles Manson, as well as a set of four taxidermy giraffe legs. She was willing to part with $900 for the legs (to make a table, duh) before she realised that she needed to “calm her zoo farm.” Too right Ottie, Ed Gein never paid for the body parts to make his furniture, so why should you?
Ottie was also the life of the dinner party, asking everyone’s favourite colour, animal and number before making everyone choose a random word for Gareth to get tattooed on his body. With everything on the list from “Raptorsexual” to “DICKHEAD”, his new ink is bound to absolutely kill during Bargarita happy hour.
Back in Auckland, Ottie got to work setting up a romantic animal skull centrepiece and pouring ice cold Baileys with a side of dry toast for breakfast. Gareth better bring some of that delicious Cromwell fruit to the table, otherwise I predict a bout of scurvy.
1) Yuki and Dan
I’m still all in on Yuki and Dan. They are extremely touchy with each other, they both love to laugh at a kite and they both retreat in tense group situations – exactly like another certain slam dunk MAFS pick. Besides, you know a couple is rock solid when this is their biggest controversy of the week.
political & climate reportersFind Out More
All good, Ottie didn’t want to share her Baileys anyway. See you next week.
The Bulletin is The Spinoff’s acclaimed, free daily curated digest of all the most important stories from around New Zealand delivered directly to your inbox each morning.