Game of Bros returned to Maori television tonight and picked up right where it left off: in a vat of coconut oil. Madeleine Chapman made a few crucial and important observations to keep an eye out for as the show progresses.
Before I go any further I feel I must disclose that Aunty Henga and I will not be power ranking Game of Bros this year. Partly because of scheduling and partly because Henga is a busy woman with more important things to do than kindly humour her niece. Even so, we sat down together this week to watch the first episode of season two and revisit the hallowed grounds of the undisclosed location where the show takes place.
And so it’s with a heavy heart and a full stomach that I present the seven easter eggs to keep an eye out for as we progress through season two of New Zealand’s brownest, freshest, oiliest show.
I haven’t figured out whether this park was mown specifically for the show or not but if it was, give the gardener a raise. All I’m imagining is a giant hand drawing circles with the world’s biggest compass. Whoever shaped the grass, whether mower or an alien from Signs, I expect Mel Gibson to make an appearance by season’s end. Mel Gibson being perhaps the very last person you’d want to see in front of a minority group.
2) The rumoured bachelor
Everyone was so sure that Carlos Ulberg would be this year’s bachelor that they forgot to factor in him having a girlfriend already (apparently). Based off the first episode alone, Aunty Henga and I agree he would have made a fine bachelor. He was eloquent, humble, the leader of his team, and proved himself the alpha male by getting a bullseye with the bow and arrow on his first try. He also loves to travel and be around family and cook breakfast in bed fo- sorry, got a bit carried away there. Anyway, last but not least, he has a great set of teeth that would go hand in hand (teeth in teeth?) with a Colgate sponsor. Bachelor gold.
3) Lots of Russell Athletic gear…
Speaking of sponsors, every show needs them and this show has Russell Athletic. How do I know this? Just a hunch. Something tells me this won’t be the last we see of these shirts.
4) …but mostly just this one singlet
Great minds think alike, I guess.
Snavalava; verb. To snavalava is to wear sneakers with a lavalava and commit a crime against humanity. Snavalava-ing is worse than sneaning and pretty close to snirting, especially when anything longer than an ankle sock is involved. It’s on the same level as…wearing sneakers with a corporate pant suit. Yes, it’s that bad. But I understand the need for shoes. The bros compete on a tropical island (somewhere in Auckland) and tropical islands (grassy areas in Auckland) are filled with danger. With the snavalava comes the running. And like sneaning, there are very few people who can successfully pull off a sprint in a lavalava.
Contestants spend most of the show wearing only a lavalava, so it makes sense they’d want their bodies to be looking pristine. Jason here, at 49 years old, is in incredible shape. But what makes his shape even more incredible is the camera operator spoiling the moment by panning down and revealing the tightest clenched fist I’ve ever seen. And now that I look again it kinda looks like he’s not breathing… but as I said, he’s 49 and looks like that so he’s still winning. Meanwhile, I’m 23 and just laid faced down on the ground to see if I could lift my body up simply by pushing out my stomach. I couldn’t and am still losing.
The show is filled with sexual innuendos and suggestions, almost entirely uttered by hosts Pani and Pani. Making the eliminated contestants remove their lavalavas and then kiss the hosts goodbye is something Dominic Bowden would never get away with, not in his wildest dreams. Expect to see many a bum tap, chest stroke, and thinly veiled dick joke. So if you love a good ‘that’s what she said’ one liner, this is the show for you. And if you find those jokes a little hard to swallow…that’s what she said.
Game of Bros Season 2 airs Wednesdays at 8:30pm on Māori Television.
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