IMAGES: © Lynley Dodd

BooksJuly 7, 2022

Ranking every creature in the Hairy Maclary universe

Staff writer

IMAGES: © Lynley Dodd

Tara Ward transcends the cat v dog debate with a list that also includes a goat, a duckling, and a butcher who likes to share his meat.

First published in February 2021.

New Zealand bloody loves Hairy Maclary. We’ve made films about his life, erected statues in his honour, and turned Hairy Maclary from Donaldson’s Dairy into the bestselling book of last decade. The prime minister once read a Hairy Maclary book on national television, and we all know a small kid who can’t put their pants on properly but can drop a casual “cacophony” or “skedaddle” into the conversation like a total boss. This is of course all thanks to Dame Lynley Dodd, who writes sweet, simple stories about a mischievous terrier and his gang of doggy mates.

Books like Hairy Maclary’s Caterwaul Caper and Slinky Malinki Catflaps are literary classics, but has anyone ever ranked every single cat, dog, bird and human in the Hairy Maclary stories in a completely arbitrary way? Which is the strongest and the shaggiest? Whomst is most likely to appear from nowhere with a ladder? It’s hard to believe such a ranking hasn’t happened before, and yet, here we are.

The results are in, the debate is over, Hercules Morse is still as big as a horse. Be warned, these rankings may hurt if you have a soft spot for the Poppadum Kittens from Parkinson Place. We each have our favourites, but like Samuel Stone giving out his juiciest bone, there can only be one winner.

35. Ray

We barely had a chance to know Ray, given all he did was wave a hat at Scarface Claw once. But, what a hat! What a wave! Don’t be a stranger, Ray.

34. The Vet

An absolute clown who allows 14 feral animals in the waiting room at once. No doubt still traumatised by the shocking events of Rumpus at the Vet, and probably can’t look at a feather without having flashbacks.

Illustration: dogs jumping delightedly into a pond — SPLAT in the pond went, from top left: Custard, Bitzer, Bottomley; middle row Noodle, Hercules, Hairy; bottom row Barnacle, Schnitzel (IMAGE: HAIRY MACLARY, SIT © Lynley Dodd, 1997)

33. The Kennel Club Obedience Leader

As helpful as Ray waving a hat.

32. The Toy Shop Owner

Doesn’t like dogs in the shop. Sad.

31. The Cat Club President

Once gave Hairy Maclary the prize for the Scruffiest Cat, which is an outrageous slight against our valiant hero. Should expect to be rolled at the next AGM.

30. Mushroom Magee

Could not see Hairy Maclary that one time, even though he was very close. Oh dear.

29. Peter the Plumber

Like Ray, Peter the Plumber will be remembered for waving random objects at a cranky cat. Is Peter still standing on the street, waving that sock at Scarface Claw? Go home, Peter. The pipes, the pipes are calling.

28. Cassie the Cockatoo

A shit-stirrer from way back. Troublesome beak? That’s the least of it.

illustration of a cockatoo in a cage, squawking angrily — Cassie (boo, hiss) (IMAGE: HAIRY MACLARY’S RUMPUS AT THE VET, © Lynley Dodd, 1989)

27. The Poppadum Kittens from Parkinson Place

Kittens are cute and poppadoms are tasty so surely this is a delicious result.

26. Tom

Famous for driving through town with Scarface Claw on top of his car. Spoiler, he is not the toughest Tom in town.

25. Dooley’s Daily Delivery Driver

Or as they call him down the pub, Quadruple D.

24. Barnacle Beasley

Beagle.

23. Grandmother Pugh and Grandmother Goff

Everyone loves their grandmothers, but these books are about dogs and cats, not budgie-owning octogenarians and old ladies whose hats blow away. Sorry Nana, I don’t make the rules.

Illustration: at a wedding, on a windy day, a woman clutches her hat — Down with Pugh (IMAGE: HAIRY MACLARY’S HAT TRICKS, © Lynley Dodd, 2007)

22. Noodle the Poodle

Toodle oodle to Noodle the Poodle.

21. Grizzly Macduff

Rumoured to meow with a Scottish accent.

20. Headmaster

Loses his shit at Hairy Maclary, but also uses snazzy words like “shemozzle” and “hullabaloo”.

19. Pimpernel Pugh

Too cool to be in this list. Sucks to be him.

18. Constable Chrissie

Prioritised saving a cat over solving the many burglaries and common assaults no doubt taking place in Riverside’s criminal underbelly, which is exactly the sort of stunt I pay my taxes for.

17. Greywacke Jones

Cute. Furry. Cat.

16. Grandmother Goff’s four fussy budgies

We can all agree that one fussy budgie is trouble enough, but four? FOUR?! Four fussy budgies could rule the world.

15. Butterball Brown

A cat with exceptional standards of hygiene. A hero for the lockdown era.

14. Bitzer Maloney

Skinny, bony, loves a scratch in a strawberry patch. It’s the happy trifecta of doggy delight.

Illustration: small grey cat following a bee in garden — Greywacke Jones was hunting a bee… (IMAGE: HAIRY MACLARY SCATTERCAT, © Lynley Dodd, 1985)

13. Custard the Labrador

Another one who creates an absolute scene in Rumpus at the Vet. FFS can’t take her anywhere.

12. Bottomley Potts

ALL COVERED IN SPOTS, SAY IT WITH ME NEW ZEALAND.

11. Geezer the Goat

Anyone named Geezer always ranks well, despite their anger management issues.

10. Hercules Morse

Gets stuck in fences at the worst moment, probably still stuck there now. Sleeps with his tail in the sun and his head in the shade, which makes him both sun smart and dog smart.

9. Stickybeak Syd

Slinky Malinki’s partner in crime. Don’t let the impressive plumage confuse you, this beaker is ready to cause carnage 24/7.

8. Samuel Stone

Butcher who gives Hairy Maclary his tastiest bone. Generous with his meat, probably gives the local kids a free cheerio after school. Legend.

‘Generous with his meat’ (IMAGE: HAIRY MACLARY’S BONE, © Lynley Dodd, 1984)

7. Muffin McLay

With his fabulous hair and penchant for bathing in rustic wooden tubs, this old English sheepdog should be the social media influencer to rule them all. Sadly, there is no canine version of Instagram, and dogs hate TikTok. Never mind.

6. Zachary Quack

A duck who loves to frolic and footle and play? A duck who once saved Hairy Maclary’s life? Straight to the top 10 for this quirky quacker.

5. Miss Plum

Sometimes I imagine Miss Plum is having a torrid affair with Samuel Stone the butcher, and their illicit rendezvous includes some gritty role play with a ladder and a big bone. Miss Plum doesn’t need a man in her life, because she’s a strong, independent woman, but it’s nice to have someone to watch The Repair Shop with once they’ve put the ladder back in the garage. He fills a need and she puts up with him smelling like saveloys and everyone’s happy.

But that’s a story for another day, because Miss Plum is the superhero of Hairy Maclary’s world. She refuses to be intimidated by Scarface Claw, she wears fabulous shoes, and she plays frisbee with Hairy Maclary when nobody else will. You’ll probably see her this weekend at your local garden centre, buying too many house plants and hooning off in her yellow mini. Won’t SUM1 love PLUM1? We do.

Illustration of a woman loading plants into a yellow mini — BUM1 (IMAGE: HAIRY MACLARY, SHOO © Lynley Dodd, 2009)

4. Schnitzel Von Krumm

I too have a very low tum and struggle to climb over walls, so SVK and I share a bond that can never be broken.

3. Slinky Malinki

I don’t even like cats, but somehow Slinky Malinki slipped his way into number three. That’s how cunning he is. You might even say he’s New Zealand’s favourite feline, cat years ahead of the bullshit Canterbury Black Panther or the dearly departed Paddles, and don’t even get me started on Wellington’s beloved Mittens. Keys to the city? Please.

2. Hairy Maclary

Stop the clocks, cut off the telephone, prevent the dog from barking with Samuel Stone’s bone. Surely our fun-loving hero should top his own rankings, I hear you ask? On one paw, you are correct, but on the other, you are more mistaken than the time Dooley’s Daily Delivery Driver took off with Hairy Maclary trapped in his courier van.

Life is one big adventure for wee Hairy, who carries on like a toddler who just scoffed an entire family bag of Skittles. Everyone loves this little larrikin, apart from one member of the animal world that he’ll never win over, and that’s why Hairy can’t wear the crown. Look, he’s still a good dog. John Campbell is talking only to Hairy whenever he does his good dog rant on Breakfast. He’s hairy and he’s maclary and he’s a national bloody treasure.

Illustration: big black cat strolls smugly away from a cowering terrier — Smug face (Image: IMAGE: HAIRY MACLARY SCATTERCAT, © Lynley Dodd, 1985)

1. Scarface Claw

If 2021 was a cat, it would be Scarface Claw. Scarface is such a beast that if he had opposable thumbs he would text ONLY IN CAPITALS, and like Judith Collins, probably has to raise an eyebrow to show he’s joking. He’s frightened by his own reflection, and even grown-ups are too scared to look him directly in the eye. Nope. I won’t do it.

But cats are people too, and the toughest tom in town has a vulnerable side that’s often overlooked. Some say he’s a bully, others say he’s a complex, misunderstood misfit who’s sick of putting up with everyone else’s shit. Fuck yeah, Scarface Claw.

All images reproduced by permission of Penguin Random House New Zealand

Keep going!

Young boy in superhero costume on beach, one triumphant fist punching the sky.

(Photo: Davidf via Getty; Design: Tina Tiller)

BooksJuly 5, 2022

The Unity Books children’s bestseller chart for June

The Spinoff Review of Books

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(Photo: Davidf via Getty; Design: Tina Tiller)

What’s the best way to get adults reading? Get them reading when they’re children – and there’s no better place to start than Unity’s top-selling kids’ books.

AUCKLAND

1 The Astromancer: The Rising of Matariki by Witi Ihimaera (Puffin, $25, 7+)

Ihimaera speaking with RNZ about first becoming aware of Matariki, aged nine:

“I was staying with my nan at Waituhi [near Gisborne], and she said to me: ‘Wake up … we have to get going,’ because outside our window there were all these people carrying lamps and walking up the hill opposite, where Takitimu marae was.

“I was a townie boy and loved my sleep and said: ‘Can’t this wait until morning?’ But I come from a place, Waituhi, that was a Ringatū stronghold … and so we went outside and I followed these lights going up towards the Takitimu marae, and then suddenly a deep sigh went up and the villagers began to chant.

“It was a really reverent welcoming chant, and the words were to that group of stars that we are going to be celebrating soon – and they had magically appeared in the canopy of heaven, and then Nan … said: ‘Now tomorrow, we can begin to plant kūmara.'”

2 A Cluster of Stars, A Cluster of Stories: Matariki Around the World written by Rangi Matamua and Miriama Kamo, illustrated by Isobel Joy Te Aho-White (Scholastic, $35, 7+)

“My great-great-great-grandfather was a tohunga kōkōrangi (Māori astronomer) who held extensive knowledge pertaining to the cosmos. In the late 1800s, he began to record his understanding of the astronomical bodies in a manuscript that was handed down through the generations, eventually finding its way to my grandfather. My grandfather gifted this manuscript to me in my late teens, and entrusted me with the task of sharing its contents” – Rangiānehu (Rangi) Matamua (Tūhoe), introducing this beauty.

3 Counting Creatures by Julia Donaldson and Sharon King-Chai (Two Hoots, $25, 3-5)

Julia Donaldson plus sumptuous illos plus lift-the-flaps plus animal babies. O yes.

4 Our Violent Ends by Chloe Gong (Hachette, $25, 13+)

The bestselling duology, and by bestselling we mean in the New York Times sense as well as the Unity top 10 sense. We’ve interviewed Gong here and reviewed her books here.

5 These Violent Delights by Chloe Gong (Hachette, $20, 13+)

6 Matariki by Kitty Brown and Kirsten Parkinson (Allen & Unwin, $23, 0-3)

A simple picture book with a slightly odd structure that works well when you’re reading to littles: first you flip through a series of beautifully illustrated spreads, one for each star, with no words. At the back are smaller versions of each spread, with a paragraph or two of explanation beside each.

7 The Summer I Turned Pretty by Jenny Han (Penguin, $24, 12+)

A Goodreads rollercoaster:

“I can see how someone could like it, if you enjoy books where the main character has no feelings or brain cells in any way, but it was not my cup of tea” – Corrina

“I nearly melted when Conrad was introduced. That strong, silent, protective guy, why, he was even sexier than Edward Cullen!” – Ruth

“If you ever have an enemy of sorts who likes to read, give them this book. It’s a high tech torture device that will combust their brain into little pieces of nothing. Their soul will die a slow death and the will to read books will diminish. Isn’t that great?” – SK

“i just read this in one sitting and i can confidently say this book was one of the cutest, most comforting reads EVER. it’s cliche and i hate the love triangle trope, but i am obsessed” – Sophia Judice

8 Māui and Other Legends: 8 Classic Tales of Aotearoa by Peter Gossage (Puffin $40, 4+)

The classic.

9 Numbers, Colours, Opposites, Shapes and Me! by Ingela P Arrhenius (Walker, $30, 0-3)

Features loads and loads of tiny flaps for tiny fingers to rip off.

10 The Seven Stars of Matariki by Toni Rolleston-Cummins and Nikki Slade Robinson, (Huia, $18, 3+)

Here’s a reading by Toni. She introduces it: “I found it really easy to write the story because I lived in a place where I felt there was magic all around.”

WELLINGTON

1 A Cluster of Stars, A Cluster of Stories: Matariki Around the World by Rangi Matamua and Isobel Joy Te Aho-White (Scholastic, $35, 7+)

2 The Adventures of Mittens: Wellington’s Famous Purr-sonality by Silvio Bruinsma, illustrated by Phoebe Morris (Penguin, $20, 3+)

Surely every child in Wellington has a copy at this point.

3 These Violent Delights by Chloe Gong (Hachette, $20, 13+)

4 The Astromancer: The Rising of Matariki by Witi Ihimaera (Puffin, $25, 7+)

5 Matariki by Kitty Brown and Kirsten Parkinson (Allen & Unwin, $23, 0-3)

6 Heartstopper Volume Three by Alice Oseman (Hachette, $28, 12+)

Via Variety:

“Heartstopper has found a devoted fanbase since debuting on Netflix in April. A month after its premiere, the series had accrued 1.05 million engagements on Twitter, according to Variety’s Trending TV chart, as well as 4.3 billion views on TikTok for the hashtag #heartstopper. The streamer recently renewed the series for a second and third season.

‘To have a show where you see queer people being happy and being together and united as a group, I think there’s something really beautiful about that,’ [series lead Kit] Connor told Variety in May. ‘I think that shows like Euphoria that are very queer are still very much sort of adult in many ways because they are very dark and gritty. I think it’s really important to have a show that is just portraying queer love and queer beauty.’”

7 The Lighthouse Princess by Susan Wardell and Rose Northey (Puffin, $20, 2+)

A ripper, a beauty, quite possibly a perfect picture book. We’ve raved about it already, and were initially stunned that it wasn’t among the finalists for this year’s New Zealand Book Awards for Children and Young Adults. Turns out it’ll be entered in next year’s round. Phew.

8 Heartstopper Volume One by Alice Oseman (Hachette, $28, 12+)

9 Heartstopper Volume Four by Alice Oseman (Hachette, $28, 12+)

10 Atua: Māori Gods and Heroes by Gavin Bishop (Picture Puffin, $40, all ages)

A finalist (and our pick for the win) for the non-fiction prize at the NZCYA; Bishop is also up for the illustration prize but we suspect that’ll go to Isobel Joy Te Aho-White. Winners announced in August.