Claire Murdoch finds ‘the real deal’ in a self-help book on ‘making space for critical thoughts and painful emotions’.
Holding the Heavy Stuff is the exceptionally practical, deceptively simple personal psychology book you didn’t know you needed (though you really, really do) from Ben Sedley, the New Zealand expert you may not have heard of (yet).
In 2015, Sedley, a practicing clinical psychologist, released a little square book just 89 pages long, including idiosyncratic pictures by illustrator Kalos Chan, called Stuff That Sucks: A Teen’s Guide to Accepting What You Can’t Change and Committing to What You Can and that book changed my life. Now he has done it again with Holding the Heavy Stuff: Making Space for Critical Thoughts and Painful Emotions.
“Even though” it was for kids, and “even though” it was so short and so illustrated, Stuff That Sucks easily could have been called Stuff That Works. It stands as one of the most comprehensive, persuasive, useful things I have ever read, and one I have never stopped recommending in 10 years – and not “just” for parents.
In all his work, Sedley gives us the clearest, simplest, kindest map to some of the murkiest, messiest, unkindest crap any of us will have to deal with. And we all have to deal with stuff that sucks. Whether it’s disappointment, sadness, trauma, betrayal or loss, it’s coming down the pipe for everyone, sooner or later, so we may as well get good at handling it. In the author’s own words: “It’s not going anywhere. We’re gonna have to sit with a lot of hard stuff [in our lives], and the longer we struggle against it, the longer it’s gonna hang around.” The good news is, there’s stuff we can do that is proven to help.
This, broadly, is the concept behind Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (aka ACT – pronounced like the political party, not the bit between NSW and VIC where Canberra is), which is the main, evidence-based therapeutic framework Sedley is presenting so effectively here, and for which he is known internationally – even while others have been noisier ACT proponents in recent times. In my own, highly inexpert, words, ACT works better than – or at least alongside – other popular techniques, because many of them make you think about the bad stuff even when you’re trying not to think about the bad stuff, and if you’re good at making yourself feel bad, you feel bad just trying and failing to think even “good” thoughts about all that bad stuff … ACT works, in Sedley’s own words, “when our brains are mean and we are full of sadness”.
Clear and simple and kind. These are incredibly difficult things to pull off at book length, and writing short is even harder. And stuff that genuinely helps people help themselves? Harder yet. If it was easy to succeed authentically in this genre, everyone would; the need is vast and the commercial potential is, too. That’s why there are so many failures, and so much slimy snake oil out there. But Ben Sedley is the real deal, you can tell. Every drop of his book is distilled from his huge vat of experience, from hours and years (more than 20 years) spent sitting with real people’s real pain, and knowing deeply what ACT-ually helps. His work always shows deep compassion for human suffering alongside a pragmatic, no-nonsense approach. He has clearly field-tested these interventions extensively in his clinical work, and it shows. The guy has chops.
From the opening words – “This book is not the answer; there is no one answer” – Sedley’s authenticity builds trust, as he sets out to equip the reader with just what they need on their (or their loved one’s) mental health journey. He doesn’t promise that ACT will eliminate pain or make life easy; instead, he offers a framework for building psychological strength and flexibility. This honesty is both refreshing and therapeutic in itself. You want to be on his couch.
What makes Holding the Heavy Stuff particularly useful is not just Sedley the Shrink; it’s Sedley the Writer. The book is a triumph of conciseness and utility, and totally devoid of bullshit. The exercises and practices are genuinely useful rather than just filler content. The author translates ACT principles into everyday language – and actions – without diluting their therapeutic power.
And, yes, there are illustrations. So, without being an oppressive workbook, Holding the Heavy Stuff is full of things any of us can do to feel better and take positive action.
Rather than overwhelming readers with jargon, Sedley focuses on the core ACT processes — acceptance, defusion, contact with the present moment, self-as-context, values, and committed action — through relatable metaphors and examples. These concepts don’t mean what you (probably) think they do, in practice, and – astonishingly for this Gen Xer, at least – they don’t amount to “sucking it up”. Together, they work to help us learn how to treat all our feelings with compassion and curiosity, while reminding ourselves about the things that really matter – and taking steps towards that. His “stuff you can’t fix” versus “stuff you can influence” distinction is especially clarifying for people who’ve been stuck in patterns of struggling against unchangeable realities. It would have saved many of us many thousands in therapy bills if we’d had it years ago.
Years ago, at the time Sedley published Stuff that Sucks (STS), I was working as a commercial publisher and I tried – God, how I tried – to pry him away from his international contract. He repeatedly said no, in an ethically perfect manifestation of the values-led approach he shares in all his work. Then I tried to get him to do the STS for grown-ups. In 20 years in the book trade, only two books count as my “ones that got away” – and this is the one that doesn’t involve Kim Hill. It has become Holding the Heavy Stuff, and it is excellent. It is also excellent that the book is available everywhere now on widespread commercial release, and here in Aotearoa New Zealand from the brilliant team at Hachette for the ridiculously reasonable price of $35. (It is even better that you can listen to it on audiobook, too.)
I hope this fine book finds a vast audience. It deserves to, and we’d all be the better for it.
Holding the Heavy Stuff by Ben Sedley ($35, Hachette) is available to purchase at Unity Books.
The Spinoff is supported by Creative New Zealand. Claire Murdoch has accepted no money or other benefit for this review.
