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BooksSeptember 27, 2022

A woman with a voice is catnip for dickheads

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Michèle A’Court reviews Emily Writes’ third book, Needs Adult Supervision. 

Every parent knows this moment – gazing into the eyes of your newborn and wondering when the grown-ups are going to arrive and take charge, and the panic of realising, oh fark, that’s you now. 

But there is another flash of understanding in the years that follow when you might think, if not “Nailed it!”, that at least you have muddled your way into being a comfortably imperfect parent, and maybe you are also becoming you

Emily Writes’ third book, Needs Adult Supervision, honours both these moments. In essays written over the past three years – often on her phone at night while her two children sleep in snatches – you see her blossom and flourish. This is a māmā who knows – really knows, hasn’t just been told – that a baby who never sleeps in his own bed will one day sleep in his own bed. That one day your kids will be at school and the house will be empty and you will be “staggered by the silence of it all”. And that what you feel simultaneously is grief and relief, and that’s OK.

A self-described “late bloomer” and “functioning mess”, Emily is arguably the most-loved, most-relatable of The People Who Write About Being A Parent. She is also the one who gets the most hate. This is not down to Emily, it’s just how we do things with women who have voices. See also Jacinda and Meghan and anyone else who dares to do more than wear a nice hat. Women like Emily are catnip for dickheads called Steve who have a lot of opinions about how the ladies should behave. For a full catalogue of those opinions, see Emily’s gloriously rage-fuelled chapter dedicated to the Steves we’ve all met.

It is one of about a hundred pieces in here – all different sizes, arranged like a mosaic between the covers. There are longer essays, comedic ones like the chapter on the five stages of toilet training grief, satirical ones (“You Are A Bad Parent With Fat Horrible Children”) and serious ones, like how to spot if a “parenting expert” is really a grifter, and how much you can learn from your kids about courage and connection and how to be in the world.

We get quick snapshots of Emily’s life: poignant recollections, like watching her husband on their first journey home with their first baby, two people now moving together as three; and the hilarious, like being encouraged to drink from a cup that her older son Eddie then reveals he has farted in, which had seemed a fun idea but now he is very sorry. 

There are pictures painted in more detail: how you can remember the exact moment in your first pregnancy when you stopped feeling like a sexual being; a beautiful cluster of essays about her whānau dealing with deaths; about long nights in hospital; life in the time of Covid; and about boys wearing pink. 

Emily treats her readers as close friends, so there are three-wines-in confessions, too. There’s that time she thought she was about to deliver her own baby in the elevator but it turned out to be a poo, which was disappointing not only for her, and her husband, but also for the random man in the lift with them. It is a perfect story because if you’ve never pooed in a lift, you immediately feel better about yourself; and if you have pooed in a lift you feel less bad because you are no longer alone. Plus there’s all the exquisitely observed detail of each player’s reaction, and – cherry on the top – the midwife asking years later, “Are you the one who pooed in the lift?”

Sprinkled among these are tiny “Meditations”, brief fantasies (it’s all a mother has time for) some of which are sexual and involve a Chris (Hemsworth, Pine, Evans) and others that are simply comforting and delicious thoughts to focus your brain on like the one about imagining yourself an amoeba who is just there and has no need for therapy. Ah, the peace.

‘Like a thousand-piece jigsaw puzzle, each member is vital to the whole picture. Join today.’
Calum Henderson
— Production editor

At times you detect the tension Emily feels between maintaining privacy for her family while usefully sharing experiences with people who face similar challenges. From maybe halfway through the book, Emily gets specific about Eddie’s diagnosis of Type 1 diabetes which means he needs to be checked every two hours. They also learn their younger son, Ham, has a beautifully neurodivergent brain which means he is smarter than most of us about many things, and also does not like to sleep alone. So Eddie sleeps with his father so he can be monitored and have injections through the night, and Ham sleeps with his māmā. Which makes perfect sense. Except that this is technically called “co-sleeping” and popularly regarded as a Parenting Crime.

I am relieved that when I had my child – I have mokopuna

now the same age as Emily’s kids – I was oblivious to all this stuff. Honestly, I barely read a thing about parenting and there was no Facebook, that’s how old I am. Someone asked me once about my parenting style – had I been a tiger, helicopter, snowplough, or free-range? I snort-laughed and explained “style” was too fancy a word for the kind of mothering I did. I just tried to keep my daughter fed and let her know that she was endlessly loved.

The isolation might have been tough back in the 90s (I was new to Auckland and did not take to my Plunket coffee group) but from where I’m sitting now, this constant judging of parents on social media looks brutal. The third parenting option (not isolation, not judgement) is community, and this is what Emily has created in recent times. Far away from social media she has a Substack newsletter with comment threads filled with positivity and encouragement between writer and readers. You should have a look – it can throw a lot of sunshine on a bleak day.

There is a chapter at the centre (in both senses) of Needs Adult Supervision that feels like a turning point. It talks about how she got her name, and who Emily Writes is now. She says this: “Becoming a mother has been redemptive for me. Every time I mop up tears or offer cuddles or kiss away little hurts, I am doing it in turn to the old me. The child who couldn’t cope. The lost teenager … People often talk of losing themselves in motherhood but it’s here I was found.”

As I am reading, I write notes on my phone. One of them says, “Pg 184 – the dog, ffs!” This is where an already busy household dealing with complex challenges adopts a 30kg greyhound who is the size of a pony and terrified of everything. Emily does not make life easy for herself, I think, and then remember it is not an easy life that she wants.

This is not superwoman parenting bullshit where you get the house and family sorted and running with military precision (“corporate parenting”, is that a style? It probably is). Emily doesn’t want to get her family tidied away, she wants to relish every messy, sticky moment. Her cup runneth over. Sometimes with farts. 

Needs Adult Supervision by Emily Writes (Penguin Random House, $35) can be ordered from Unity Books Auckland and Wellington. Emily and Michele both appear at Verb Readers & Writers Festival in Wellington in November. 

Keep going!
Tze Ming Mok (Photo: Supplied / Design: Archi Banal)
Tze Ming Mok (Photo: Supplied / Design: Archi Banal)

BooksSeptember 25, 2022

When are you White and when are you Black?

Tze Ming Mok (Photo: Supplied / Design: Archi Banal)
Tze Ming Mok (Photo: Supplied / Design: Archi Banal)

In this edited excerpt from Towards a Grammar of Race, Tze Ming Mok examines the history of language around whiteness and blackness as it pertains to Asian peoples in Aotearoa and beyond.

COMING TO TERMS

East Asians in white countries live within language in a way that is ambiguous, racialised and tense. We are the eternal foreigner, yet when hiding behind our mother tongues, we refer to white people as “foreigners”. In English we call white people by their preferred non-racial term – “Kiwis”, for example – which then becomes our racial term for white people. When bothered by strangers on the phone, we say we don’t speak English in fluent English and hang up. We assimilate, in other words, to the contextual purpose of words, as though the uses of words are the point, even as they deny their own meanings. This contradictory pragmatism is the hallmark of a self-protective and diasporic culture, and it is something I bring with me, perhaps, to the uses of race discourse. 

With regard to our history in Aotearoa, Chinese people in particular, including me, have written at length about how racial tropes of the “yellow peril” were constructed and deployed as a key oppositional premise of establishing a “White New Zealand” colonial state, at the expense of Māori sovereignty and status as the founders of the first independent state of “New Zealand”. Infamously, precarious Chinese migrant workers in the extractive settler economy were painted as rapacious, pestilential, colonising threats by the white press, as if “white people are looking in a mirror, but do not like what they see”. These tropes still pervade popular consciousness in the West, summoning regular outbreaks of street violence against people who look like us, including in Aotearoa.

But undoing white supremacy and colonialism also requires acknowledging East Asians’ colour-based privilege in white societies now, how our own pre- and post-colonial cultural history has generated racial thinking, and deeper analysis of how we do relate to whiteness in that racial hierarchy. Examining this doesn’t always land us in the morally comfortable space of “solidarity among colonised peoples”, as emblematised by the following conversation documented in my doctoral research in London.

“You’re either White or you’re Black,” said one of my interviewees, a thoroughly working-class and middle-aged Turkish Cockney, “. . . Is there any other colours?” He laughed. “I know some people would say Chinese are yellow, but that’s stupid. You’re either White or you’re Black.”

“OK,” I said, with a knowing sense of dread, “am I White or Black?”

“You?” he said with a hint of incredulity that I would even ask this, “You’re White!”

I took this in, and inquired as to the status of my husband, an Indian.

“Oh, he’s Black.” No question.

How can Asians be white? Or, for that matter, Black? It was a statement about perceived hierarchy and alignment, dovetailing neatly with colour, which is what “race” boils down to: a concept that can be used as a “master category” that encompasses ethnicity and hints at superseding it, as structure swallows agency.

WHEN ASIANS WERE BLACK

The use of Blackness to set the colour line, to define what “race” is, and to delineate whiteness remains the cornerstone of race discourse in white countries, even ones that historically have very few Afro-descendant Black people. Racists can be very lazy about racism. In this way, Polynesian people – themselves classified as “Aryans” by one branch of nineteenth-century race scientists – become “Black” in the mouths of heartland New Zealand racists. Even where there are no Black people, racism is forced to invent them.

There has been reappropriation, Indigenisation or rejection of the notion or label of Blackness, in diverse ways, by the many groups that are Indigenous to Oceania and Australia. This needs to be done in careful relationship with actual descendants of the Black African diaspora who live here. It is not my story to tell. 

But let me tell you about the time that Asians became Black. 

“Political Blackness” was a term used in the UK from the 1960s to the 1980s, as a means by which working class South Asians allied with Black Caribbean and Black African activists against racism, before eventual fragmentation into smaller identity-based movements. These Asians were not only from the subcontinent, but also part of “racially mixed” Caribbean communities produced by a history of sugar, slavery and indenture – present, for example, in the genealogy of Stuart Hall, who spearheaded Black British cultural studies and postcolonial thought. As “British Blackness” rather than American Blackness, it was explicitly postcolonial or decolonial, and the term was “performative, relational and dialogic rather than literal”. As an umbrella term for organising, over the years the term was increasingly “sweaty” – gripped nervously, contested and worried over as an implement being wielded constantly and in danger of blowing away.

“Political Blackness” arose from a common vernacular of what Blackness was in post-war Britain. In my doctoral research interviews, whether tertiary educated, politicised or not, older South Asian and Middle Eastern descended working-class respondents would still use the term “Black” intermittently when speaking of themselves, their parents and other people from their communities. They used this term in the context of having dark skin colour rather than African descent, or in the context of a collective cohort’s experience of direct and institutional racism across migrant ethnic groups. Sometimes it would pop up as ironic self-effacement, similar to the term they used when sometimes describing themselves as “a Paki”, reflecting or sardonically retelling racist language they had been exposed to, without quite getting to reclamation. It was not hard to see how activism had seized upon this existing vernacular, rather than the other way around. As with Polynesian people, nineteenth-century British race pseudoscientists had earlier classed these “Black” Pakistanis, Indians and Middle Eastern ethnicities as “Aryan”, in support of some of the practicalities of their colonial rule.

Who is “Black”? Whoever they say is Black, whenever and wherever it is convenient for maintaining a social hierarchy.

WHEN ASIANS ARE WHITE

Being assigned in white settler states as an intermediary “middleman” race in the hierarchy above “politically Black” groups, or being historically assigned by your own people as a superior “Yellow Race” in competition with the “White Race”, locks East Asians into a strange relationship in the diaspora with whiteness, modes of white-becoming, and complicity in the repression of darker groups.

Under what conditions do we “get to be white”? Here I briefly discuss three modes of white-adjacency and their accompanying tragedies, applying to diversity mascots, model minorities and honorary whites. 

My diversity mascot is a “token” produced by a specific contemporary middle-class whiteness that is rebuilding itself as “cosmopolitan”, rebooting older notions of imperial mastery over diverse non-white cultures and knowledge of them. The diversity sought is explicitly not class diversity. A school or a neighbourhood may be at risk of being “excessively white” and thus unsophisticated and non-elite, but just add “colourful” middle-class Chinese and Indian people – who are as much avoiding Māori and Pasifika neighbourhoods as pursuing white proximity – and it becomes “diverse”, even as it replicates ethnic self-segregation and institutionalised racial hierarchies. 

The tragedy of the “diversity mascot” is to attain representation at the expense of power or action. It is a way of actively doing and being nothing. This is nowhere more apparent than in the New Zealand parliament, where Asian MPs in the two major parties have historically had some of the lowest-rated performances in the House, because they are present only as static cultural products that white-dominated political parties consume and display to build multicultural capital. This lack of effectiveness is an affront to many Asian New Zealanders who are used to higher levels of ‘model minority’ achievement from public-facing Asians. 

The model minority myth is a foundational concept of Asian diaspora studies. At its heart it is a tragic pursuit of honorary whiteness via socio-economic achievement and through “straight-line assimilation” – divesting oneself of publicly visible ethnic or cultural traits (unlike diversity mascots, who are valuable to whiteness only because of their visible ethnic and cultural traits). The tragedy comes, as Asian American writers argue, from the fact that there is no true acceptance or equality. As we know from high school, to try too hard to be accepted is to always be an outsider because of your obvious desperation to belong.

However, I would argue that some of us do get to be white, some of the time. We should admit it, and we should also talk more about how it works. 

Outside of historical apartheid or fascist regimes, I view honorary whiteness, like “white-passing” and “political Blackness”, as an activity and not a permanent status. It is a privileged behaviour that is contingent not only on class but also on active participation in reinforcing white supremacy.

While the model minority approach encourages attainment as a way of transcending discrimination (anyone can climb the ladder!), the honorary white approach leverages existing socio-economic privileges and actively encourages discrimination against other groups (kicking away the ladder). 

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Anna Rawhiti-Connell
— Senior writer

This contrast feels like the difference between the behaviour of Asian immigrant parents, working their way up out of the ethnic enclave, and their entitled children (like me). The case of Jerome Ngan-Kee and the Mercy Pictures controversy is particularly illustrative of this dynamic. Ngan-Kee co-curated an exhibition at his dealer gallery titled “People of Colour”, which showcased different national, ethnic and political flags, including Nazi and far-right symbols alongside Māori and other Indigenous flags, accompanied by text from a far-right transphobic thinker, a year after a white supremacist had murdered 51 Muslim people at prayer in the Christchurch terror attacks.

An Asian curator in “Art School Edgelord” mode, uncritically deploying white supremacist imagery, appeared to me to be the epitome of honorary whiteness. However, the public backlash to the show was significant, and Ngan-Kee eventually issued a lengthy personal apology online. His business partners disavowed and mocked the apology on the gallery’s official social media page. He had failed to maintain his honorary whiteness. 

Ngan-Kee’s apology “to the communities” had the authentic ring of “Asian Shame” before one’s parents, where one admits to failure and to not being good enough. The act of expressing shame seems itself a way to return “to the communities”. Model minorities are vulnerable to shame and stigma for being Asian, while the status of honorary whites is dependent on the shameless exercise of white privilege in the face of Asians. The tragedy of the honorary white mode is to do dumb shit like a white person, but to regret it like an Asian – because you have harmed communities that you thought you had let go, but then found that they have not let you go. 

Towards a Grammar of Race (BWB, $39.99) can be purchased from Unity Books Auckland and Wellington. Tze Ming Mok will appear at Verb Readers & Writers Festival 2 – 6 November in Wellington.