It might feel like Cadbury has done enough damage already, but things could just be getting started.
First Cadbury came for Roses, and we all screamed. Then they came for the marshmallow eggs, and we all screamed again. Then they cut down their Family Bar size, and we started to tire of screaming. When their parent company Mondelez, owner of Pascall, came for our Jet Planes and Jubes, and we gave a little half-hearted grunt.
Fed up with the constant slew of destabilising confectionery news, I have decided to take matters into my own hands. With over 27 years in the business of eating lollies and choco, I am more than qualified to predict 10 more things that Cadbury and Pascall can still do to fuck up your beloved products in the name of savings. Peace be with you.
1) Untwirl the Twirls
I’m no expert, but I predict the high-tech machine that puts the twirl into Twirls probably costs about nine billion bucks, give or take. Let’s keep those puppies straight as an arrow and watch the savings roll in. Call it a Luxury Flake and I’ll call you a bloody elitist wanker.
2) Mylk Shakes
It’s 2019: nobody drinks milk any more. To keep up with the public’s burgeoning need for alternative milks, I would suggest swapping out Milk Shakes for Mylk Shakes – with an exciting lucky dip from a range of mylks including oat, soy, almond, cashew and perhaps even breast.
3) Kill the Buzz
To show a more safety-conscious and responsible side to the company, Cadbury could revamp the little bee dude on the Buzz Bar with a cool helmet and groovy knee pads. If they really wanted to be responsible, they could also give him a pair of pants to cover his weird bee penis.
4) Coconut Smooth
Think of the soft, spongey palate of the modern day consumer, raised on nothing but smoothie bowls, fine yoghurts and seedless grapes. Smoothing out Cadbury’s Coconut Rough for this cotton wool-wrapped, selfie-taking, snowflake, burnt-out, weak-mouthed generation might just be the ticket to PR heaven.
5) Party Pack < Workplace Pack
I’ll be honest, I can’t remember the last time I saw a Party Pack at a party. Let me rephrase that: I can’t remember the last time I went to a party. What I do know for sure is that nothing sets a workplace alight like a debate about which Party Pack lolly is the best lolly. If they lean in to this new corporate branding opportunity, sales would soar. Just look at this invaluable Slack PR.
6) Flake it till you make it
If it’s only the crumbliest, flakiest chocolate that gets the people going, then Cadbury should give them more of what they want. Put the Flakes in a giant blender. Pulverise the Flakes. Turn the Flakes into a dust so fine you can snort it. Vape a Flake.
7) QUARTER the marshmallow eggs
The world is on fire, who gives a fuck.
8) Vino gums
Griffins already have their booze-named biscuits that don’t have a whisper of booze, so it’s time for Pascall to rise to the occasion. Inject the wine gums with real wine, you cowards.
9) Rocky Road
Now… with actual road!!!
10) Summer Rolls… all year round
You know what would actually be a really simple fix? If they replaced every product in their range with Summer Rolls. They’re dry, they’re nougaty, and nobody has bought one since 1929. Now THAT’s what the people really want.
The Spinoff Weekly compiles the best stories of the week – an essential guide to modern life in New Zealand, emailed out on Monday evenings.