Parent to a fussy toddler? The ‘I’m Not Hungry for Fruit Mum Bag’ is the only meal kit service you’ll ever need!
Delivery meal kits seem to be everywhere at the moment. Every company insists they have the food that your kids will love. They say you’ll never have to think about what you cook and your children will love the baked beetroot, hibiscus and salmon foie gras tartare they have planned for Wednesday. I am highly sceptical. So I’ve decided to set up my own. If you have kids like mine you’ll be keen as for my new food delivery service – especially made for toddlers and under fives! Introducing the “I’m Not Hungry For Fruit Mum Bag”. It’s the only meal kit service you need.
Here’s a sample of our menu, to show you what we’re all about.
Breakfast: Untoasted Toast Supreme
Ingredients: Two pieces of white bread
Recipe: Place one piece of toast in the toaster. Remove it after 15 seconds. It should be barely toasted. Cut off the crust, cut it in half, then cut one half into triangles and the other half into squares. Place them onto a green plate counter-clockwise. When your child sees this and insists the toast is “burnt” and the plate is “wrong”, take the other piece of bread and put it on to a plate. When your child says they want it toasted, say, “OK I’ll toast it”. Turn away from your child, close your eyes and imagine a holiday in the Bahamas for five minutes. Put the piece of bread back on the plate and say you toasted it even though you didn’t. Your child will now eat one third of it.
Second breakfast: One Peeled Blueberry Surprise
Ingredients: A punnet of out-of-season blueberries that cost $60
Recipe: Your child once ate a whole punnet of blueberries so out of despair we added a punnet of blueberries to your bag because you’re worried they’ll get scurvy if they don’t eat fruit. But now, your child insists they’ve never ever liked blueberries and they’ve never eaten them ever and you’re the worst mother in the world and you’re not my best friend. They taste one peeled blueberry. You didn’t even know you could peel a blueberry. Remember when you said your child wouldn’t be a fussy eater like those other kids?
Lunch: Bathroom Chocolate Delight
Ingredients: A family-size block of chocolate.
Recipe: Lock the door in the bathroom and sit on the floor eating the chocolate. Scroll Facebook reading about how vegan kids love vegetables and think about what a failure you are.
Afternoon Tea: Three Frozen Peas
Ingredients: Three frozen peas.
Recipe: In your only parenting achievement to date you managed to convince your child that frozen peas are lollies. Now you can say “my son loves vegetables” whenever anyone asks.
Dinner: Surely They Will Eat Make-Your-Own Pizza
Ingredients: Pizza bases, cheese, tomato sauce, ham, chicken, bacon, capsicum, red onion, pineapple.
Recipe: Get your child to pick out the toppings they would like. Pre-cook the meat. Watch as they choose every topping. Put it in the oven and cook for 20 minutes. When you take it out your child will say they just wanted cheese. Repeat the process with only cheese and tomato base. They said only cheese. Repeat again with no tomato base. Your child will eat half a slice.
Breakfast: Egg On Toast
Ingredients: Two eggs and two pieces of white bread.
Recipe: Boil the eggs and drink cold coffee as your children scream for Minecraft. Oh sweet and holy merciful Jesus they ate an egg! They ate it! You’re a good mother! You’ve done it! You’re turning a corner! They will eat eggs now!
Lunch: Egg On Toast
Ingredients: Two eggs and three pieces of white bread.
Recipe: THEY ATE AN EGG THEY WILL EAT ANOTHER EGG! Your child eats the egg while in a My Little Pony trance. Call your partner and cry down the phone.
Dinner: Spaghetti Bolognese
Ingredients: Plain pasta sauce with no flavour, 400g of spaghetti.
Recipe: Boil the pasta and place some in a bowl. Put the pasta sauce in a small bowl. Allow your child to put the sauce onto their bowl of spaghetti – empowering them helps them to DID YOU JUST THROW IT ON THE FLOOR! I CAN’T DO THIS.
Recipe: Gin, with a splash of your bitter tears.
Breakfast: Today Is A New Day Wraps
Ingredients: Plain wholemeal wraps, cucumber, cheese, bacon, egg.
Recipe: Let your child pick their toppings but remember they only like cucumber. You’re the boss, OK. I believe in you. You can do this. Peel one cucumber – that’s all your child will eat and that’s fine. Because it’s a vegetable. You’re a winner.
Morning Tea: I Know You Want A Cookie But You’re Having An Orange
Ingredients: One orange.
Recipe: Your child won’t eat it but you’ll feel good that you didn’t back down.
Lunch: You Can Do This Cheese Rolls
Ingredients: One unbuttered roll, UNBUTTERED, NO BUTTER, and one piece of processed cheese.
Recipe: Do not, under any circumstances, open the cheese. Your child will ask you to but this is a trick. They will also ask you to butter the roll but if you do, they will want it unbuttered. You only have one bun. Use it wisely.
Dinner: How Is It Only Wednesday Buns
Ingredients: Minecraft, any movie with Keanu Reeves in it, plain white buns, gin.
Recipe: Dink the gin while watching a movie with Keanu Reeves in it while the kids play Minecraft for four hours. Give them buns when they’re hungry.
Breakfast: Buns With A Coloxyl Chaser
Ingredients: Plain white bun. 5ml of Coloxyl.
Recipe: Your child hasn’t taken a dump in a week. They’re 90% bread now. You still love your bread baby.
Lunch: How Did A Shit That Big Come Out Of A Child That Small Cucumber
Ingredients: Calm demeanour, one cucumber.
Recipe: You have a degree in business but you just spent 45 minutes being a poo doula for your child. They’ve birthed an eight pound poop and now they’re willing to eat a cucumber and you’re just like is this my life now.
Dinner: Chicken Nuggets
Ingredients: Chicken Nuggets.
Recipe: You put four frozen chicken nuggets into the oven. Your child eats them. You put four more in. YOUR CHILD EATS THEM! You put 14 chicken nuggets in. Your child eats them. Your child won’t stop eating chicken nuggets and you’re thrilled beyond measure. This feels like more of an achievement than actually giving birth. How did you get to this point? Your child was not going to eat any processed food until they’re seven but here you are and life is beautiful. You can see colour for the first time in days.
Breakfast: Chicken Nuggets.
Lunch: Chicken Nuggets.
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Dinner: Chicken Nuggets.
I’m Not Hungry For Fruit Mum Bag makes feeding your children easy! Our customers have reported having only one nervous breakdown a week from food-related angst. Our bags are very discreet so you’ll still be able to claim on Facebook that your child “eats anything” and “loves vegetables”. It also comes with a hand-out for talking to relatives who ask about whether your kids are fussy because “in my day kids weren’t fussy”. Sample: “My chicken nuggets are all vegan and organic and I hand make them by the river while singing songs to my blessed fruit of my womb.”
Buy today for only six easy payments of $199!
The Spinoff’s food content is brought to you by Freedom Farms. They believe talking about food is nearly as much fun as eating it, and they’re excited to facilitate some good conversations around food provenance in Aotearoa New Zealand.