After week four on The Bachelor NZ, some of the greatest minds in the country* assemble to talk about the big issues including tribal lego bricks, big budgets and stuffed toy voodoo.

Anny Ma on the big ol’ budget

Firstly: Hawaii? Really? Can we refund the costs of taking the 14 gals, the one real kiwi bloke, the film crew, and Mike Puru over to Hawaii and bring back John Campbell? I’ve crunched the numbers, and I just don’t see how this was a viable investment for MediaWorks.

I’m running on the assumption that Storm the Travel Consultant hooked up these flights through Flight Centre, because otherwise why was Jordan dressed in their official colours for Monday’s episode?

The cheapest return flight to Hawaii that Flight Centre’s website offered me was $1200 – a bloody steal. However, multiply that by how many are left, and that’s $16,800 minimum spent on getting the gals to Hawaii. Okay, that’s a giant waste of money but anything for true love, right?

I’ve had a quick trawl to find similar accommodation, which I do think I’ve found. This abode goes for $6,705 per night. PER NIGHT. They’ve already been here for a bloody week, so that’s $46,935 so far on accommodation. Thanks to a quick and unnecessary shot of the Hilton sign, we can probably guess that’s where The Bachelor, Mike, and the rest of the crew are staying. This place costs $556 a night per room. I CAN’T.

I’m aghast that this much money (still less than what a referendum costs) has been spent on a romantic 15 person jaunt to Hawaii, yet we still don’t have JC or Mel Blatt back on our screens. TV3 smashed it, but not in a good way.

I’ve never wished Jurassic Park was real, but during this week’s episode I dearly hoped Michelle Obama would break from her “annual luncheon” to lead a squad of velociraptors to the Bachelor Air BnB and just tear that place up.

Zoe Scheltema with a postcard from Paradise

Alice Brine’s ten thoughts

1) It’s 7.23PM. I’ve got two things on my mind. Firstly, The Bachelor livestream is not loading. Secondly, I’m worried that my salad isn’t going to be ready on time. I want to time it so I can sit in front of the laptop, eat my salad and watch The Bachelor. What is it in life that makes it so hard to time your food eating with your TV streaming? P.S it wasn’t a salad it was curly fries with aioli.

2) With livestream still not working, I try an alternative. I go onto Youtube and search “John Key talking to a group of women in a very condescending way.” There’s countless hours of footage to watch, but it’s just not the same.

3) Finally the livestream starts. Are we going to talk about the fact that I am pretty sure Ceri is wearing a fluro orange sarong? When did sarongs come back in fashion? Are we going to start listening to the NOW 11 album again too? The one that had the golf-hole on the cover?

4) Batch and the baes are not in New Zealand but you can’t really tell. A lot of budget for absolutely no result there. Pretty sure the producers knew the show was on it’s last legs and spent the budget on a cool fun time in Hawaii for themselves. Good idea.

5) They have a canoe race. One of them says “I think there was some cheating going on!“ Batch is like “How?” And she’s like “ Oh just you, cheating on all of us with all of us.” Actually she didn’t say that. I said that. In a tweet.

6) On a date with one of the brown haired ones: “We’re getting along really well. She’s bubbly and interesting. She’s beautiful.” Looking away from the screen I actually can’t tell if he’s talking about a woman or a tropical fish tank.

7) There’s another scene where everyone is talking about how much they love animals. This is a running theme in the series.

8) “Let’s go for a dip in the Lagoon.” Is the most John Key thing that Batch has said so far?

9) When Batch walks in on the group of women conversing, laughing, and enjoying themselves, he says, “I’m concerned that some of these girls are still in party mode.” This is because Batch was raised in a field during the colonial age, circa 1876, and is struggling to adjust to modern society.

10) The one who keeps giving him gifts gives him another gift. It’s a dog. Because he loves animals. Except it’s not a dog. It’s made of fabric and stuffed with fluff. It’s a stuffed animal toy. It is not a real dog. “Here Batch, here’ s a not real dog.” She does not deserve a rose because she’s probably actually a witch.

Claire Adamson the location scout

Several other romantic film locations where Jordan could have taken the girls:

• The point in the Atlantic Ocean where the Titanic went down.
• The rock in Utah where Aaron Ralston hacked his own hand off after 127 hours of being trapped.
• The sea planet where every hour is eight years in regular time from Interstellar.
• The inside of the horse’s corpse in The Revenant.
• Dr Evil’s hollowed-out volcano lair.
• San Fransokyo
• Saturday morning detention at a high school in suburban Illinois with a brain, an athlete, a basket case, a princess and a criminal.

Angella Dravid with The Bachelor in pictures

José Barbosa argues death waits for all

I have to admit that every week I’m forced to watch this show a shudder works its way down my spine, but episode eight has stabbed at my heart like a surprise showing showing of Salo at Chipmunks.

Exhibit #001

A collection of Bacherlorettes are chatting on the lawn. A pastoral and soothing scene, yet discordant and unsettling music is playing. The hairs on my neck stand up. And then, in the window, a shadow in the shape of a human figure is seen.  I grip my packet of cheeseballs.

As the women idly chat the shadow starts to hang something. Is it preparing corpses for skinning? My right hand twitches as my body grows icey cold and my breath becomes laboured and short from fear.

Although pleasant talk continues, some of the Bacherlorettes  feel the growing sense of unease. Shari is the first to sense it,. She looks around nervously.

Shari dismisses the feeling, but then Storm reacts to the growing sense of dread. What is it they are feeling?

Fleur is also disturbed. She knows something is wrong. Deadly wrong?

Finally we see what can only be a a spirit moving something inside. A murder table, perhaps? And we also see a figure at the door. It’s possibly a woman, are we seeing a warning from the future? Beware the gutting room, it seems to be saying. The only conclusion I can muster is that this all foreshadows a coming massacre where none shall escape. But who is the horseman that brings death? Who?

Jack Tippler on being a Bachelor virgin

Before this year I was a complete Bachelor virgin. Any insight I may provide comes from a place of true naïveté free from the Art Green-induced haze of what once was – and what perhaps could’ve been.

The role of Mike Puru seems to be the most baffling to me. Is he a quasi-footman to the king that is Jordan? Announcing him before he enters any rooms and delivering notes to his doting maidens? The most bewildering part is that Jordan doesn’t even seem to tell those he is relieving from his court that they have to go home. That job, too, falls awkwardly to his trusty right hand man, like Jordan isn’t even sure which one he forgot to give a rose to.

A contender for the most awkward thing I’ve ever seen on TV is a grown man pretending to enjoy receiving a stuffed dog toy. The poor pup gets perched precariously on the balcony and I can’t be sure but his notable absence later in the episode could point to a tragic fall from the deck. Have we not yet learned about deck safety NZ?!

Fleur trying not to fall into a volcano and wowing Jordz with her tales of African burn rituals and putting giraffe poos in her mouth is another moment of cringe. In saying that, they do seem pleased to be able to eat real food, now that the Kapiti cheeseboards are a full few time zones away.

Ceri with a C pulls the Hershey chocolate kiss move. That move actually worked for me once at a wedding with one of my older sister’s friends. Didn’t get a chance to produce the chocolate before the meeting of the mouths.

No mention of the hit list as two tall blondes leave the show. This makes picking who is who in a line up much easier. Bye Danielle and Lara, can’t say I thought I would be seeing you guys there in the end. My call at this point is Fleur, Storm, Rebecca and Ceri as the final four.