Emily Writes bravely ventures into the treacherous cavities of online news so you don’t have to.
It’s been a week in Princess Diana news despite the fact that she died in 1997. Kevin Costner has said Lady Di once considered starring in a sequel to The Bodyguard. Unsurprisingly, that shit-stirrer Fergie was behind it. If that isn’t weird enough, there’s a theme park opening with a Princess Diana Death Ride. Though this was reported in May, it’s being picked up big time now.
The National Enquirer theme park has a section called “The Royals” which has a 3D recreation of the crash in Paris that killed Diana, her driver and her partner. Creator Robin Turner said of the Diana exhibit that it “shows the pathway as she left the Ritz hotel, and the paparazzi chasing her, and the bang-flash that we think blinded the driver and how it happened.” Stay classy!
In why you should be vegetarian or at least not-eat-geckos-if-you’re-dared-to news, a man from Queensland has died in agony after maybe eating a gecko. It’s believed he died from a parasitic tapeworm common in Asian house geckos. Stop reading if you have a weak stomach, continue reading if you think you’re susceptible to dares related to the ingestion of lizards: for days after the party where the gecko eating allegedly happened, the man felt hungover. He was then taken to hospital where he began vomiting green bile. That wasn’t all – his urine turned black, his lungs started to fill with fluid, his stomach stretched as fluid leaked into it, and “his testicles were swollen up to grapefruits and there was fluid leaking from them”.
An expert in Asian house gecko parasites Diane Barton had some sage advice in the aftermath of the tragedy: “Don’t eat things you are not meant to.”
An Australian government minister broke his arm arm-wrestling a fellow minister during a parliamentary lunch break. The Australian reports that Minister Victor Dominello was treated in hospital for the injury, caused by Attorney-General Mark Speakman’s don’t do it I’m sorry I have to strong arm of the law.
A Perth family are claiming they were hospitalised after eating a brownie from a cafe they say was spiked with the Devil’s lettuce. The kids apparently started hallucinating and generally acting high AF after eating it. Apparently, wee tests confirmed the presence of THC. Parents Michael and Sharon said more than three months later their kids are still recovering from the trauma: “We go to other cafes or different places or even cook and they ask, ‘Does this have marijuana in it?'”. Meanwhile, the cafe is described as a “kid-friendly cafe/restaurant with toys and colouring-in to keep the little ones happy”.
If you’ve wondered in the last ten years “Gee, whatever happened to Oasis?” The news is Noel Gallagher’s wife called Liam Gallagher a fat twat and Liam then messaged Noel’s daughter and told her to tell her stepmother to be ‘very careful’. I think. Noel then said: ‘If I wake up to find one of the kids gerbils upside down on the cheese board with a knife in it I’ll sure to inform the local care in the community officer.” Noel said he’s sorry.
About 30 public servants in France have been living the dream for the last 25 years by being paid to do nothing. Apparently, they’ve been paid more than $1.6 million a year for 25 years after being left without jobs after water services in Toulon where they worked were privatised. The city didn’t find them new jobs and instead continued paying their salaries, according to a report by the Provence-Alps-Riviera Regional Audit Office.
Finally, if you’ve been watching absolutely batshit TV show Euphoria, you’ll have noticed the third episode (sandwiched in between copious full-frontal wangs) included an animated sex scene between teen throbbers Harry Styles and One Direction bandmate Louis Tomlinson. In a fanfiction dream sequence (written by cam girl Kat, and narrated by stoner Rue), an animated Harry gives Louis a rub and tug and they jizz into the galaxy. It’s quite beautiful. But many think it crossed a line. The wholesome blonde one Louis confirmed on Twitter that he “was not contacted nor did [he] approve [the sequence].” The other one, Harry, has yet to speak out on the incident. And in the same week that Kanye’s Famous video is back in the news, labelled by Taylor Swift as “revenge porn”, it’s an interesting question to ask. Is this kind of portrayal of someone – naked and 69ing their way into the universe or naked in a bed full of wankers in a video clip by a wanker – fair? What are the ethics of aggressive shipping? Is objectification ever OK? Is this an interesting enough topic to momentarily distract us from the horror of climate change?