Peter Williams: The science is never settled on the moon being made of cheese

The newsreader turned talkback host Peter Williams (not Peter Williams) is furious about the mainstream refusal to acknowledge the cheesiness of the moon.

I’m sorry but my head still hurts.

Yesterday I blew to smithereens the so-called “consensus” on the “science” around “climate change”. I put forward my doubts about “climate” “change”, posing the question, in a piece full of questions, “Why are people not allowed to ask questions?”

I made an observation, in the form of a question: “Why are people not allowed to make observations about what they see in front of them outside every day?”

I made another observation: “In this age of instant information,” I observed, “there is a lot of information available online which presents a different view of the world’s climate.”

That went very well, so I’m back.

I’m back to say I am so over the nonsense that is being propagated about the moon.

We’ve seen wall-to-wall coverage of the 50th anniversary of the Apollo 11 moon landing. Some nutbag on the Spinoff blathered of “a literal moonshot that shines as a moment of optimism and purpose”. What about the literal fact that the moon shines with the glow of a delicious orb of Wensleydale?

Every day it is foisted upon us. “Look at the moon,” they say. Or: “The moon is pretty.” Or: “There’s nothing better than an open fire, a stacked chillum and Dark Side of the Moon on the longplayer.”

Why do we allow people to get away with this? Why is there absolutely no debate about the moon cheese? Why is it that not just Stuff, but it seems all media in this country refuse to allow even a skerrick of evidence that the moon is made of cheese?

They call us deniers. They point fingers. They say that the publication of things like this on Newshub undermines the excellent work being produced by one of New Zealand’s respected newsrooms and left many reporters and editors screaming at the (cheesy) moon about the infiltration of Magic Talk troll-casting on to their masthead.

Have these people never heard of the information superhighway? Have they never visited a cybercafé and typed in “Google.com”?

For example, just five minutes’ research revealed this evidence:

The arrogance in the putdowns is breathtaking. And I say again: Why are people not allowed to make observations about what they see outside, hanging among the stars like a mouth-watering hunk of gorgonzola?

This is realism.

This is Magic Mornings on Magic Talk.

This is Magic Realism.

As lunar scientist David Bowie once put it: “Dance magic, dance. Dance magic, dance.”

He added: “Put that baby’s spell on me.”

Why am I so worked up about this? I’ll tell you why. We are being fed BS by our politicians, politicians from both parties, and I don’t mean British stilton. Politicians and policymakers who have never traveled to the moon, never prodded their finger into a lunar crater and licked off the gooey Havarti in a cheesy psychedelic trance.

Why am I silenced? Why am I caged like the man in the cheesy moon, apart from having a radio show broadcast across the country and getting published on one of New Zealand’s biggest websites? Why are my questions on “climate change” and “cheese” not published in the Newshub newspaper?

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Science can never be settled. What is anything? Who are you? What is cheese? Which is moon? I am Peter Williams, author of Gangster Granny and best known for my partnership with Matt Lucas on the BBC One sketch comedy shows Little Britain and Come Fly With Me. Climate. Weather. Moon. Cheese. Science is magic. Magic is science.

Delicious cheese. The internet. My head. Thank you.

Peter Williams is not Peter Williams.

As told to Toby Manhire


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