Frozen 2 is out, but more importantly the soundtrack is available for your kids to play on repeat. Sam Brooks ranks the songs by how likely it is that they’ll sing them into your face for the foreseeable future.

Parents and caregivers, get your loins girded because Frozen 2 is here. The film came out last Thursday and has been smashing records left and right. Chances are you’ve helped contribute to that! Well done.

Even more crucially, because it’s available in your home, basically for free, the soundtrack to Frozen 2 is here. And your kid knows it, even if you don’t. And they’re listening to it.

With limited generosity, I’ve given you a guide to what songs they’ll be singing around you, in their bedroom, in the shower, in the car, wherever they happen to be existing, and more importantly, what songs you have to inoculate yourself against. Sometimes the only way through is to dive into the abyss.

So here they are, ranked from least likely to be sung in your face to most likely. In the words of Māui ‘The Rock’ Johnson, “You’re welcome.”

8. The Next Right Thing

I truly cannot imagine a child singing this song unless they’re a massive Kristen Bell fan. It’s basically acapella, it’s talk-sung, and it’s kind of a dirge. Also, if your kid is a massive Kristen Bell fan, maybe use this as an opportunity to transition them into watching shows like The Good Place or Veronica Mars!

I also straight-up just don’t want to imagine a kid singing this into my face because a tiny voice contemplating darkness and imploring me to ‘do the next right thing’ sounds more like the start of a horror film on Netflix.

7. Reindeer(s) Are Better Than People (Cont.)

A sequel to the song from the first film. It’s silly, only 30 seconds long, talk-sung and has no singable lines in it other than the title. It’s lovely, but it’s mostly a prelude to ‘Lost in The Woods’, which we’ll get to.

What I’m saying is: you’re safe.

6. When I Am Older

I’m a big fan of Olaf! Just not when he’s singing. If anybody tells you this, or Olaf’s song from the first film, is their favourite song from either outing, then they’re lying or someone you should walk far away from.

If it’s your kid, drop them off at drama class and don’t look back. Musical theatre has your child now and its not gonna give them back. Even if it could, would you really want them back?

5. All Is Found

I forgot that Evan Rachel Wood can sing! She has a very lovely voice that is absolutely fit for this kind of film, and not at all fit for that fickle beast known as live performance. It’s a vaguely folksy ballad, and one I can imagine a kid skipping through on the soundtrack, largely because it’s from the perspective of a mother and we all know kids don’t develop true empathy with their mothers until they’re well into their thirties.

What about the pop version that will inevitably come up on Spotify? It’s also quite lovely, and sounds like it could be a song on an actual Kacey Musgraves album!

4. Some Things Never Change

Here we go! This is the ‘Love is an Open Door’ of this soundtrack in that it’s very silly, light and fun, but it also has to play the role of ‘For the First Time in Forever’ to set up where the heck we are in the film. Your kid will scream ‘some things never change’ at their chosen screen when it plays, and it’ll be delightful. Until they start using ‘some things never change’ to you as a comeback. And mark my words, they will.

I can only suggest coming back at them with the last line of this song: “And I’m holding on tight to you.” Aw, isn’t that sweet? You’re forming memories for them, which will be a cold comfort when you hear this song for the 70th time in the space of one week.

3. Show Yourself

The first of the Idinabangers (technical term) on the soundtrack, and my personal favourite on the whole soundtrack. If I was a kid, this is the one that I would sing on repeat. My mother didn’t actually let me watch Disney films, which increasingly feels like a decision to free her from the injustice of having to hear a tone-deaf kid mangle his way through ‘Poor Unfortunate Souls’ or ‘Be Prepared’. I was a dramatic kid, y’all.

It’s too long and obtuse to be the ‘Let It Go’ of the soundtrack – don’t worry, that one is coming – but if your kid is a little bit of a drama queen, this is the one they’ll be singing. Nothing a drama queen loves more than their own personal orchestra after a power note that closes a middle eight. Also, it’s technically a duet, so you can sing along with them! Enabling: it’s what families do best.

(Also, because I have to say it somewhere, can we talk about how Idina Menzel does not, at all, ever sound like an 18 year-old-girl? She sounds great, because she’s Idina Menzel, but Nordic Ice Princess? Nope.)

2. Lost in the Woods

This is low-key maybe the best song on this soundtrack. And it’s an 80s glam rock track? What world are we living in it? Answer: A world where Looking star Jonathan Groff is voicing a woke Disney Prince who doesn’t know how to handle his loved one going on an adventure.

I’m going to get real with you: You are much more likely to sing this at karaoke than your kid is.

This is definitely the drunk adult song of the soundtrack. You’ll be at karaoke with a few mates after work, and this song will be buried so deep in your bone marrow that you’ll flip through the book, sticky with beer foam and chip salt, and jokingly ask, “What about ‘Lost in the Woods’?” Your friends will chuckle and laugh, because they know you mean it seriously. Because it’s what you sang the last damn time as well.

And the time before.

What about the pop version that will eventually come up on Spotify? I refuse to devote words to the cover of this by the same band that did ‘Teenage Dirtbag’*.

1. Into The Unknown

Yeah, this is it. This is the ‘Let It Go’. This is the song that will stay with you long after your crucial memories have left you. Long after your children have left home. Long after the heat death of the planet, this song and ‘Let It Go’ will remain.

You will hear your kids scream ‘Into the Unknown’ whenever you back the car out of the driveway to take them to school. The only destination they will have from then on will be ‘the unknown’, even where they know damn well where they’re going!

Your kids will try to hit AURORA’s high note, and they will not reach it. Your kids will try to sing like Idina Menzel, and they will not be able to, because the only people whose kid sings like Idina Menzel are two New Yorkers by the name of Stuart and Helene Menzel.

This song is a crime and a cruelty to parents or anybody who has to spend any time around kids. You will know this song better than you know the passwords to any of your accounts. You will know this song better than your loved ones, better than your actual child. Definitely better than the person you were before ‘Into the Unknown’.

Listen to that vocal run from 2:35 to 2:52. That’s a 17 second run of ‘oh-oh-oh-oh’. The only person who can sing that is Idina Menzel, and I bet even she doesn’t want to do it live. You will hear this every day for the rest of your life, whether it’s being sung by your kids or the spectre of a ghost who has come to haunt you for the wrongs you’ve done.

But goddamn, it goes hard.

What about the pop version that will inevitably come up on Spotify? It’s not as much of a dull retread as Demi Lovato’s ‘Let It Go’ was, but it’s pretty much just a Disneyfied Panic! At The Disco. Your mileage on that might vary.

*I know Weezer did not sing ‘Teenage Dirtbag’.