This morning came an extremely casual announcement that a handsome chap named Art Green might be New Zealand’s first ever Bachelor. Alex Casey analyses his online presence to find out if the size ten shoe fits. // //
When Picasso said “Art washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life,” it’s probably because he had just read the news this morning about The Bachelor NZ.
There have been online murmurings for a while now, Stuff published a piece in early February featuring a particularly creepy picture of The Bachelor Mansion claiming that Green was our guy. The Bachelor forums have been going off since then, “his abs are as awesome as Brads.” But we still couldn’t be sure.
In a piece otherwise focused on handsome fast bowler Mitchell McLenaghan’s love life and business interests, Rachel Glucina appeared to reveal in passing the closely-held identity of New Zealand’s first ever Bachelor. The Diary named Art Green as “the star of TV3’s upcoming reality bonkbuster” in a piece otherwise more concerned with he and McLenaghan’s up and coming CleanPaleo muesli business. In ye olde fashioned newspaper it was headlined thus:
Which tends to indicate that Glucina and the paper were either unaware they were breaking the news event of the year wide open, or conducting a stealthy spoiler while still being able to claim innocence. Renowned as we are at The Spinoff for our investigative journalism, I took it upon myself to spend the morning trying to get to know Art Green through the magic of the internet, and see how he would suit The Bachelor role. Here are my findings:
Art’s trade skills as according to LinkedIn (and how they will fare on The Bachelor):
Bodes very, very well.
A comparison of The Bachelor promo abs and Art’s modelling portfolio abs:
With a bit of a wax, we could have ourselves an abdominal match right here. Be right back, just need to set my laptop on fire and throw it deep into the ocean. (Editor’s creepy note: I am less convinced about the boat-dude being Green. Note the different shaped boobs – nicely rounded on the boat versus more angular on the model shots)
Art’s extensive travels to the City of Love:
Nothing says romance like going to Paris and proudly holding a baguette like a giant wanger. This guy is an absolute professional love guru. But hey, I don’t think bread is Paleo? Stay on brand man!
Art’s television experience
We’ve all visited his Red 11 portfolio several times already, sure. We’ve all saved it as our homepage, sure. But Green also has a bit of moving image experience under his belt, through doing extra work on the super steamy swords-and-sandals show Spartacus. This bodes well for his onscreen presence, and also means he has no problem getting greased up and shirtless for the cameras (an essential Bachelor trait).
I tried to find him in the background of some Spartacus shots…
So there you have it, the guy is ripped, knows about muesli, knows about love, and knows about television. It’s still unconfirmed as to whether he actually is The Bachelor – TV3’s Bachelor publicist didn’t return our calls – but I’m all in on this guy if he turns out to be the one holding the roses.
Pour yourself a huge bowl of expensive protein-laced cereal and settle in, it’s going to be a hell of a show either way.
The Spinoff Weekly compiles the best stories of the week – an essential guide to modern life in New Zealand, emailed out on Monday evenings.