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Credit: Pixabay
Credit: Pixabay

ParentsJuly 21, 2017

Top six ways to get out of the door on time when you have children

Credit: Pixabay
Credit: Pixabay

Leaving the house when you have kids can be a nightmare of epic proportions. Anna Gowan has your back. Here’s her top six tips to get you to church (or the pub) on time.

Forget waking up at the crack of dawn or making lunches the night before, these largely untested and questionable ideas will (allegedly) take all the stress out of leaving the house with children in the morning!

1. Remove all your clocks

What is time, anyway?  t’s just a perception that was probably invented by drug companies keen on peddling anti-anxiety medication to parents.

By not looking at the clock, you are effectively controlling the time. Instead, use the sun. If you make it out of the house by the time the sun sets, you’re winning.

2. Accept that your kid just wants to be dressed like Blossom

Some days (or all days), your kid will not accept wearing just a top, pants, socks, shoes and a jacket. That outfit has no flair! It needs a tutu! A Spiderman mask! A lifejacket! Yesterday’s undies on the head!

Grin and bear it. Then take a photo for their 21st birthday photo board for some sweet, albeit delayed, vengeance.

3. Duct tape = mother’s little helper

Forget rain, snot, mud – the worst part about winter by far is SHOES. Specifically the repetitive, patience-testing chore of putting shoes that have been kicked off … again… and again… And again and again and again.

Now there’s a way to save you approximately five hours in the morning – the night before you go to bed, sneak into your child’s room and duct tape their shoes to their feet while they’re asleep.

(This technique was favoured by a particularly sadistic nanny my neighbours’ employed in the 1980s. It works. For a time.)

4. Shock them into forgetting they were throwing a tantrum

This technique really works. And not in an infomercial ‘this piece of plastic covered with a pool noodle will give you abs like The Rock’s’ sort of way. It does however require an ability to multitask.

First of all, maintain eye contact. Pause. Then commence a very loud performance of your favourite 1990s rap.  It is very important that you DO NOT BLINK or BREAK EYE CONTACT.

You have 25 seconds to get them into their clothes, out of the house and into the car while performing your rap before the tantrum resumes.

Inspiration:

  • Ice Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice
  • The Fresh Prince of Bel Air theme song
  • Baby Got Back – Sir Mix-A-Lot
  • U Can’t Touch This – MC Hammer
  • Insane in the Brain – Cypress Hill

5. Dress up in a costume that will alarm your children into leaving the house without scarring them for life

It is not advisable to dress up as Freddy Kruger. Celery or broccoli on the other hand is probably okay. Choose a vegetable they are already not fussed on so as not to reduce the already limited pool of vegetables they will tolerate.

For an alternative, kinder approach, consider dressing up as a character they love. You can guarantee they will be more pliable and willing when chaperoned out of the house by Superman or Emma Wiggle. Your costume may make things awkward at your destination, but you will be on time and will not care.

6. Move out of your house and into a campervan

That way you can park outside school/daycare/kindy every night. Problem solved.

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Credit: Pixabay
Credit: Pixabay

ParentsJuly 20, 2017

Fear and Formula: Why parents are a target for bad marketing

Credit: Pixabay
Credit: Pixabay

Roz Palethorpe is a new mum and a science teacher who wonders why parents and people trying to conceive are always a target for myths and pseudo-science.

It’s a well-understood phenomenon that fear is profitable. Make someone feel unsure or uncertain in their own judgement, offer a solution that happens to be your product, and watch the dollars roll in. For example, halitosis (bad breath) didn’t exist as a condition until the makers of Listerine started selling the idea, primarily to women that it was a medical problem that would make them unpopular and rejected, unless they used mouthwash to rid themselves of “fermentation of the oral cavity”.

The “halitosis appeal”, as this tactic is now known, is used to sell everything from yogurt to shampoo to car polish and is such an integral part of our media landscape that we barely notice it any more. However, it’s not just advertisers shilling toiletries who use the halitosis appeal to play to our weaknesses.

I’ve grown up with media advertising being used to undermine me almost as long as I can remember. I’ve been told my entire life by companies that, without their diet drink/roll-on deodorant/winged sanitary pads, I will die alone and unloved; and it will be my fault for not caring enough about myself to buy their product. It’s difficult to push back against these messages but not impossible, but once I became pregnant with my son last year the background hum of undermining and uncertainty became a roar.

People trying to conceive, pregnant people, and new parents attract fear tactics like whaea around a new baby in a cafe. As soon as my partner and I made it known that I was pregnant, the world suddenly became a terrifying place. Pregnancy is hard enough with the morning sickness, the fatigue, the mood swings and the constant, gnawing fear that you might lose this precious little spark floating around inside you. That fear makes you easy prey for people looking to make money off you. If you REALLY cared about your unborn baby, you’d take the supplements with the pregnant lady silhouette in pink on the box, not the ones your midwife prescribes. Isn’t your foetus worth a dollar a pill – despite them having the same ingredients?

If it’s bad when you’re pregnant, it becomes hellish as a parent. You’re sleep-deprived, hungry, confused, and terrified with the weight of a responsibility greater than you thought possible. You’re making decisions you didn’t even know existed, and someone else’s life is literally in your hands. You’re the perfect target for manufactured fear and the profits that go with it. The results can be devastating.

In 1974, the organisation War on Want released the report “The Baby Killer”, an investigation into Nestlé and similar companies. It found that baby formula manufacturers were entering economically deprived areas in countries like Chile, Malawi and Nigeria, and using the halitosis appeal among other marketing tactics to persuade new mothers to abandon breastfeeding and start using their formula. Sales reps dressed as nurses even entered hospitals and neonatal clinics, armed with free samples and inaccurate information about the dangers of breast feeding. Without access to sterilising equipment, the money to afford a steady supply of the formula, and even clean running water in some places, infant mortality and malnutrition skyrocketed. The report caused an international scandal that led to Nestlé being boycotted around the world.

The disgraced “scientist” Andrew Wakefield, who published a heavily-discredited paper suggesting a link between MMR and autism, is possibly the most cynical example of exploiting parental anxiety. He held the patent for a medical test that could be requested by lawyers acting for parents who were looking to sue doctors and hospitals over the “damage” vaccines had caused their children. This test would have netted Wakefield a cool $43 million. A year. He’d even invented a name for this disorder, “autistic enterocolitis”. Not quite as catchy as “halitosis”, but just as lucrative.

This month, Friends of the Earth Australia announced to great fanfare that they had discovered “toxic nanoparticles” in baby formula. Despite this being founded on shaky methodology and poor science, the story was picked up by news networks and parenting groups around the globe. Like Wakefield’s “autistic enterocolitis”, “nano-hydroxyapatite particles” sounds ominous. To a new parent who’s probably already dealing with the internal and external pressures of feeding their baby formula as well as or instead of breastmilk, the idea that there’s something unpronounceable and “toxic” in the cheerful tins they buy from the supermarket is terrifying.

So far, there’s been no alternative suggested by Friends of the Earth for those parents worried they’re poisoning their babies. It’s unlikely that they’re going to unveil their own brand of nanoparticle-free baby formula any time soon. It’s even possible that they really are just concerned citizens wanting to make the world a better place for our babies. However, given the history of using bad science and fear on already-anxious parents, I’ll wait until I see some real, quantifiable evidence before questioning my choices.

Roz Palethorpe is a mum, science teacher and writer. She can be found on Twitter at @grumpybirb. 

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This content is entirely funded by Flick, New Zealand’s fairest power deal. In the past year, their customers saved $489 on average, which would buy enough nappies for months… and months. Please support us by switching to them right now.