Emily Writes heads over to Harry and Meghan’s whare to discuss the impending (or maybe it’s happening right now) birth of the next royal child.

*potentially

For years now, Princess Meghan of Buckin’am Windsor has been flaunting her baby bump and causing havoc in the UK White House by being visibly pregnant. We have read all of the news about how Duchess of London Meghan and the infamous Markles of USA have been planning the birth of their child in a way that most certainly isn’t the way that Queen Catherine of Cambridge had her several children.

As we know, Catherine never Kate quietly birthed her offspring perfectly then presented herself perfectly afterwards. Though Meghan has not had her child yet, it’s important that we all recognise she hasn’t birthed them as well as Catherine, the future Queen, did.

The tabloids have explained that Meghan plans to have a home birth. What we know about home births is that they usually occur by rivers or streams, they are administered by a shaman made of sweet corn, and they involve much howling at the moon regardless of the time of day.

They’re also DANGEROUS. Not just dangerous but DANGEROUS in capital letters. And anyone who has one is playing with fire. In fact, playing with fire is safer than a home birth. This is based on no statistics or studies but let’s believe it anyway because it’s on the internet.

Birth Brat Meghan seems to want to birth her way, in an environment where she feels safest and most confident, so clearly she’s high maintenance and probably a bad mother. Which is convenient because let’s be real, the tabloids decided that before she even got pregnant.

If Labour Louse Meghan is planning to give birth at home she’s probably also planning to swallow her placenta, in full, like a duck. As this is what all mothers who do not birth in a hospital do. I mean she could also be birthing in a hospital, we don’t actually know, she might just not have told us which is selfish and wrong. This is our baby too because of the Commonwealth or something.

I wanted to get the truth behind the headlines so I rocked up to Meghan’s whare to find out how things are going.

Hello here is a wooden buzzy bee. All New Zealand children must have these even though they will in fact never play with them. This is not the proper one, this is the knock-off from Uncle Bill’s but it works the same.

I’m sorry The Duchess of Sussex is not home.

So she isn’t having a home birth?

I’m going to have to ask you to leave.

Wow rude. So how many centimetres dilated is she?

Please leave.

Can you see hair? Can we get a shot of her crowning?

I’m closing the door now.

Is the behaviour of the press in relation to this birth just an example on a macro level of how we commodify and claim ownership over women’s bodies at every stage of their life including when they are literally bringing life into the world?

…

By even jokingly talking about the birth of this child am I taking part in a sickening ritual of choosing which babies are worth more than others based only on their birth and class? Or am I allowed to show an interest as the royal family is essentially a tax-payer funded version of the Kardashians? Where does the right to privacy begin and end? Should I not honour any request for privacy regardless of who has made that request? Is privacy a human right or is it something that cannot be withdrawn once given? Have they benefitted in such a way from the good will of those citizens who pay for their existence that in turn they must sacrifice their privacy? Is it a sacrifice if they have no choice in the matter and are essentially locked in a gilded cage forever now? Every generation caught in a trap made of gold?

I’m shutting the door now.

Should we just take the opportunity to talk about how births are policed and highlight the lack of choice around a lot of birthing? How women are often told to “leave their dignity at the door” as if they’re not full human beings deserving of agency when giving birth? That around the world the rights of women are eroded from the moment they conceive and so a continuation of this into the labour ward isn’t that surprising but it sometimes feels like it’s truly getting worse?

You really need to leave.

Do people find it so easy not to advocate for people giving birth because there is also a baby involved? And this makes it easier to ignore the feelings of the mother? Isn’t it true that, because of the commitment society has to upholding gender norms even at the expense of what is best for a family as a unit, there’s no way we will ever make real progress when it comes to recognising that if we place a baby in a hierarchical position above the person giving birth, women will always be kept at the bottom? Their feelings, opinions and yes – their bodies – will always be placed in subservience to everybody else’s? I mean I dunno I’m just riffing here.

Did you just pour yourself a glass of wine?

In a way Meghan is in the perfect position to create an international dialogue on how we can respect birthing parents and ensure they have agency when bringing life into the world. There’s an opportunity here to really discuss why we create systems that always suggest it’s mother OR baby rather than mother and baby when it comes to health and wellbeing during birth. If you’re always set up to view it that way – that mothers sacrifice from birth, their bodies, their dignity, their feelings, their opinions – then  you’re setting us all on a path to always sacrifice. That in itself could be at a high level why mothers struggle so much in their early years of parenting. They’re taught from conception that everyone has a stake in their baby’s life but instead of this being a beautiful thing that translates to a village of people who love them, it instead is a prison of judgement.

I mean maybe. But Meghan isn’t home yet.

But isn’t that an awful lot of pressure on someone who just had the misfortune of falling in love with a Royal? That’s a lot to put on her. I worry about their marriage with all of this external pressure but then they have immense wealth to cushion the difficulty of being in the public eye. So there’s that. But if she never wanted to be in the public eye how can I put that onto her as if it was a choice?

Did you want to leave a message?

I just really want to know if she’s had the baby yet.