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Photo by Andy Cross/The Denver Post via Getty Images
Photo by Andy Cross/The Denver Post via Getty Images

ParentsOctober 31, 2016

The Ghost of Orgasms Past, and nine other Halloween costumes for parents

Photo by Andy Cross/The Denver Post via Getty Images
Photo by Andy Cross/The Denver Post via Getty Images

Halloween isn’t just for your kids. Emily Writes shares her list of costumes that would be great for you – an exhausted parent who doesn’t give two shits about Halloween.

Want to be scary? But also sexy? But also you honestly don’t give a fuck at all because it’s just another night of no sleep? Well, you’ve come to exactly the right place. You could make these costumes at home with all of the time you have. So much time!

While you’re at it, carve a pumpkin. Or a watermelon. Carve a pentagram into the floor under your child’s cot. Sell your soul to Satan for a solid four to six hours sleep.

Get into the Halloween spirit – the kids will love it. Or they won’t care at all and will just want to watch two days’ worth of back to back Fireman Sam episodes.

When you’re in the zone/demonic possession, pick a costume from the list below. You’ll be the coolest parent who definitely isn’t having a nervous breakdown on the block with these ideas!

Photo by Andy Cross/The Denver Post via Getty Images
Photo by Andy Cross/The Denver Post via Getty Images

1) Sexy Daddy Pig

If you’re a new parent and you’re also somehow able to leave the house to go to a Halloween party, chances are your tolerance is so low you’ll hit the deck after half a glass of wine just like that famous old porker Daddy Pig. May as well make your appalling behaviour part of the costume.

2) The Ghost of Orgasms Past

Remember when you weren’t so exhausted that sex actually seemed like something you wanted to do? Me neither. Dress up as the sex life you used to have. Banging in between the baby’s sleep cycles or having to quickly explain “we were just playing trains” when your kid walks in and says “why do you sound so sad?” might be the new reality – but you can always revisit yesteryear for one night.

3) An Unexpected Positive Pregnancy Test

There’s nothing scarier.

4) Vivisection Maisy Mouse

Mummy needs her lipstick and the noises Maisy makes sound creepy AF so you know, we have to do what we have to do. Bye, Bye Maisy!

5) An Empty Wallet

Remember when you had money? That you could spend on weekends away rather than nappies and swimming lessons? How is it possible that your kid needs another hat? Haven’t you bought 50,000 freaking hats? Why does the zoo cost so much money? The capybara just sit around doing FA. That’s what you want to do. Those capybara are living the life. You think about them a lot. Probably too much.

6) A Mouldy Pile Of Washing That’s Been In The Machine For Four Days

Stop judging me. It’s been raining for days and I’m not superwoman OK? I haven’t slept in two years. Why do the kids insist on wearing clothes so much? And where did all the socks go?

7) Wonky Donkey On His Way To The Glue Factory

I was walking down the road and I saw a fuck you.

8) The Only Pair Of Shoes Your Child Will Wear Only You Can’t Find One Of Them

You’ve spent a small fortune on shoes but of course they’ll only wear those terrible sparkly ones that are falling apart. It’s too early for wine. Or maybe it isn’t, if you consider time as just a social construct that doesn’t apply to you.

9) A Visitor Who Didn’t Call First

You haven’t cleaned the toilet in 11 weeks. You’re still in your pyjamas and it’s 4.30pm. You’re trapped under a baby with your tit out. And some asshole has just “dropped by”. Channel the rage into a costume. You too can be that person who turns up and doesn’t even bring something to eat and instead just sits around saying “so what have you been up to?” FUCKING NOTHING. I JUST HAD A BABY. I’VE BEEN SITTING HERE FOR FIVE WEEKS. GO FUCK YOURSELF.

10) A zombie

You haven’t slept in four years so you can just wear your face like that.

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