Having caught wind of some distressing news via social media, the Criminal Association of New Zealand issues a desperate plea.
Dear Sir,
I write to you as a representative of the Criminal Association of New Zealand, formerly the Association of Criminals and Thieves (ACT), formerly Wilson Parking. We represent a vast membership of crime-doers, ranging from professional racketeers to hobbyist malfeasants.
The Criminal Association of New Zealand has a long and storied history dating back to our founders, the fraudsters and kidnappers William and Edward Gibbon Wakefield. We have long considered the National Party a close ally, given your MPs’ previous support for assaulting high school students, leaking private medical data, hush money payments, and myriad fashion crimes.
Our organisation is greatly concerned with your plans to make crime illegal. I was first made aware of this announcement when you tagged us on TikTok “@criminals”. In future, I would suggest that Discord or Signal would be a better way to get in touch with us.
“If you’re a criminal, you should pay close attention to this video,” your TikTok began. That direction was somewhat redundant; as a criminal, I always pay close attention to the instructions of the police minister. In fact, given I watched the video with such detailed focus, might I suggest an extra two inches in the waist, and an additional half an inch each in the neck and arms? Some of our Italian members have good connections in the tailoring industry who could help.
As I watched on, I was alarmed to learn you were planning to pass laws that would make it illegal to do crimes. It was even more disturbing to see your party repeat the same messaging on Twitter: “If you’re a criminal reading this: You’re about to get hit with a bunch of new laws you’re not going to like by the end of November.”
As an upstanding industry group, we have always encouraged our members to focus on legal crimes. If this proposal passes, the only option left would be for us to act outside the law, an outcome we find distressing and morally repugnant. This will mean job losses and families going hungry. Already, I have had to lay off some of my henchmen, lackeys and goons.
If we are no longer able to make a living in the world of legitimate crime, some of our members may have to turn to less reputable areas of the economy, such as selling used cars, Twitch streaming, or “journalism”.
However, I would like to commend you for your upfront and timely communication. While these changes will be highly disruptive, I appreciate the clear four-month timeline you have provided for us to complete our remaining crimes. I’ve been able to reschedule a bank robbery, some sheep rustling and two planned incidents of public urination.
As with any industry, I appreciate that some regulation is necessary. For example, we are as frustrated as you that many of our younger members seem preoccupied with the low-value, high-emission and, frankly, gauche crime of ram-raiding. We’ve already begun a mentorship programme seeking to funnel those talented youngsters into more productive crimes, such as election interference, tax evasion and insider trading.
We believe this issue is better dealt with through industry self-regulation, rather than dictating which crimes are and are not allowed. As a party of the free market, I’m sure you understand how government intervention is inefficient and ineffective. I would urge you to work with the industry, not against us.
I propose an alternative model, which your government has already successfully implemented within the agricultural sector. As you’ll be aware, farming is New Zealand’s largest source of emissions, which has a far greater social cost than any of my association’s activities. Earlier this year, your government announced plans to exempt farming from the emissions trading scheme. We could replicate this same model – if you were to “look the other way”, we, like farmers, could arrange for some significant donations to be made to your re-election campaign.
Yours sincerely,
The Hamburglar
