Roll out the green carpet: as the parliamentary term draws to a close, it’s time to hand out the gongs for the most memorable moments and momentous mishaps of the past three years in the House of Representatives.
Bugger the election. There’s only one contest that matters between now and the start of the 55th parliament and that’s The Spinoff’s Golden Gerries. Join us as we celebrate the moments from the House of Representatives this term that made us proud, made us furious, made us laugh and made us wonder if democracy was worthwhile after all.
The Tubthumping Trophy for never being kept down
Christopher Luxon, who defied all odds by making it to the end of the term with his premiership intact.
The Air NZ Award for highest earner of fly-bys
Luxon, again, for surviving a whole term without directly answering most of the questions put to him.
The Peter Gordon Golden Spatula for getting all up in someone else’s grill
Julie Anne Genter, whose “read the report” snafu involving mental health minister Matt Doocey was, to say the least, a bit regrettable.
The Much Ado About a Pin Prize for making a whole lot of noise over nothing
The Act Party’s pin-gate palaver over the display of party logos in the House. Seriously, did anyone really care?
The Flag Referendum Award for biggest waste of parliament’s time
The Act Party’s treaty principles bill tore us apart and brought us together all at once. Bit of a fuck-around for something eventually voted down 112-11 but we live and learn.
The Stuart Nash Shield for significant use of revolving doors
The Greens, bless them. Tragedy and scandal befell the party this term and resulted in a number of MPs leaving parliament. The lesson learned here is make sure the randos ranked 15 and beyond on the party list are the real deal.
The Loose Cannon Certificate for telling it like it is
Willie Jackson, twice kicked out of the House this term for calling David Seymour a “liar”. He fell well foul of minister Nicole McKee last year for calling those on the other side of the House to him morons, and just last week he had the sergeant-at-arms eject him from the House for labelling the assistant speaker a hypocrite. He’s a bit like Winston Peters in this sense, but hasn’t quite become immune to the standing orders.
The Tinder Trophy for most left swipes
Goes to Nicola Willis and the many characterisations she has rejected.
The Officeworks Award for significant use of stationery
Hana-Rawhiti Maipi-Clarke, immortalised in her tearing of the treaty principles bill.
The Ed Sheeran Loop Tour Trophy for most seats left empty
Te Pāti Māori, who have argued their presence on the ground is more important than showing up at the place they were elected to.
The MAFS Medallion for forcing yourself to make the marriage work
National, Act and New Zealand First have all, in one way or another, brought their relationship troubles to the public arena that is question time. Despite everyone else seeing the toxicity, they’re still sticking it out. Chris Penk is runner-up, for dutifully taking his place in the backbenches while the country watched his career crash and burn.
The Now Why Am I In It? Award for being dragged into the muck against your own will
Tamatha Paul, for having to put up with Paul Goldsmith’s mischaracterisation of her takes on police. And Grant McCallum, for putting up with Tamatha Paul’s mischaracterisation of his recent property purchases.
The Hyrox Medal for continuing the race despite shitting all over yourself
Darleen Tana, whose attempt to psych out her former Green Party caucus over its waka-jumping worries only ended in the least elegant parliamentary exit since Jami-Lee Ross.
The Peek-a-Boo Prize for defying object permanence
Tanya Unkovich. One day she was there, and the next she wasn’t.
The RuPaul Ribbon for lip syncing for your life
Todd Stephenson, whose lack of literary knowledge can be forgiven for his furious practising of patsies.
The Reheated Nachos Award for using the leftovers
Chlöe Swarbrick and the very sad school lunches she presented to the House.
The This Is Fine Award for functioning while the caucus burns
Oriini Kaipara, who emerged from the inner-caucus bickering to deliver some of Te Pāti Māori’s most affecting speeches this term.
The Spinoff Editors’ Award for most amendments to a single document
Lawrence Xu-Nan and Francisco Hernandez, who have drafted hundreds (if not thousands) of vexatious amendments to government bills between them and made the House all the more chaotic and quizzical for it. Their efforts have been rewarded by the speaker’s insistence that something better be done about that amendment process so help me God.
The Migos Medallion for prominent ad-libs
Many thanks to Shane Jones for being the backing track to the House’s proceedings. His cries of “democracy”, “mining”, “fake news”, “drill”, “minerals”, “woke” and more will be mostly missed.
The Wait, Have You Been Here This Whole Time? certificate for participation
Tākuta Ferris. Where has that guy been?
The Kate Sheppard Shield for significant contribution to feminism
It’s hard to narrow it down between all the girlbosses. Perhaps controversially, Brooke van Velden claims this prize for bringing “cunt” to the chamber and confronting the taboo of being a right-wing woman. Debbie Ngarewa-Packer can get a silver shield for using the word twice more just last week.
The Joe Biden Scholarship for most slurred speech
Winston Peters. Sometimes it’s really hard to make out what he’s saying. Most times it’s better if you don’t.
The Pete Prize for pushiest Davidson
Tough choice with two great M. Davidsons in the Green Party, but Labour’s Reuben Davidson has to come out on top. Who could forget those thrilling 14 supplementaries the MP posed to Paul Goldsmith about a phone call with a TVNZ board member, only for the media minister to confirm what we all already knew: he doesn’t actually put that much effort into that portfolio.
The Reply Guy Award (sponsored by Joseph Mooney)
David Seymour. Since becoming deputy prime minister – and having the coalition rift widen – Seymour has assumed the position of patsy-provider to the prime minister when he needs a leg-up. Strangely big bootlicker energy for someone who was once the arrogant prick of the opposition.
The Casual Racism Ribbon for keeping our race relations commissioner busy
Peters, for telling Lawrence Xu-Nan to go back to China “where they lie like a flatfish”. And Todd McClay, for telling Ricardo Menéndez-March he wasn’t in Mexico now.
The Lockwood Smith Shield for speaker of the term
Hard to say who really deserves this. Gerry Brownlee reluctantly rose to the challenge of being speaker and every now and then he did seem to have a grip on things. But the real winner has to be Winston Peters, who proved that the only way to survive the House is to act as if it belongs to you.
The Thank You For Just Getting On With It Award for performer of the term
Lawrence Xu-Nan, for a truly remarkable first term in the House. Hana-Rawhiti Maipi-Clarke, for bringing New Zealand’s parliamentary debating chamber to millions of screens worldwide. Ricardo Menéndez-March, for refusing to step off the government’s throat. Barbara Edmonds, for patience in the face of adversity. Nicola Willis, for never ever backing down. Chris Bishop, for getting stuck into the boring bits of the job and refusing to be boring about it. Chris Hipkins, for the curse of being a better orator in the House than on the campaign trail. Winston Peters, for keeping it entertaining – for better or for worse.
