Alex Casey tackles the third week of The Bachelor NZ, including blind tasting, onion layers and a scary bedroom clown.
This week on The Bachelor NZ we got the first big ol’ proper pash, a huge avalanche of Tim Tam tat-peddling and a very, very, very overdue Shrek reference. Aka, the show is finally starting to give the people what they want. My only further request is that Zac recreate more sad David Cunliffe photos, because this was a top notch opener.
I was also a massive fan of the franchise seeping into other reality TV formats this week like a tanned, handsome version of The Blob, first delving into cooking competitions in this mental Tim Tam kitchen challenge…
… then touching briefly on Dancing With the Stars NZ…
… before doing away with TV altogether as Dom recreated the chilling climactic scene in Se7en (ft. Mike Puru’s head in the box, obvo).
And then teasing the new chilling It remake coming to cinemas later this year…
As Zac’s romance with some contestants soared as high as Google searches for Catch 22, others were torn apart. Katey and Lucia’s relationship was savagely destroyed after they enjoyed their five course degustation lunch together, and Sophie was sent packing thanks to the Group Date Curse (GDC) and her intense TedX talk about crystals.
So who is left in this Tim Tim Black Forest of love? Let us look.
1) Claudia
Kaftan queen Claudia got the single date on Sunday night, donning a sparkly dress that will do her no favours when she inevitably has to hide from a Basilisk in the Chamber of Secrets. She and Zac rhumba’d around a foyer under the gaze of dance teacher Krystal, who I hope and pray is the same Krystal who was unceremoniously dropped by Rodney Hide all those disco ball moons ago.
Claudia used her Parseltongue in more ways than one this week, not just by dropping a big smacker on Zac but also getting him to open up about his harrowing ordeal going through the High Court (for sports reasons, not murder reasons, although he diiiid say he had “killer” dates lined up…).
AND THEN THEY KISSED
AND BLOODY ZAC WAS WEARING LOVELY LIPPY FOR A SEC
AND THEN HE PULLED A ROSE LITERALLY OUT OF HIS BUTT!!!
2) Lily
Yes! Lily finally snowboarded into the spotlight this week on an avalanche of, in the words of Justin Timberlake, love and sexy magic. She wrote conversation starters on her bare thigh and slowly revealed them to Zac like some kind of toastmaster Dita Von Teese. Zac couldn’t bloody believe his eyes, and immediately reported himself to the High Court again for criminal levels of shookness.
“Is that a rose or are you just happy to see me?” Lily cooed from the bench, as Zac doubled up and crawled back to her whilst wheezing, rose clenched between his teeth. “You are the most interesting and hilarious person I’ve met in a little while,” he gasped.
3) Bel
Bel was whisked away to the Villa Maria Estate this week, where she got to play an exciting game of ‘Guess the Wine’ with help from Max Key’s bandanna collection. Zac did an amazing Karl Pilkington-type move and just guessed every wine was Pinot Gris until he was right. Genius.
The pair then squashed grapes in a barrel whilst doing a weird dance. I didn’t know what I wanted more: a squelchy grape kiss or a recreation of this iconic viral video.
Unfortunately I got neither, but Bel got both a rose and some stuff off her chest about her mum. She’ll be here a while yet, at least until Zac learns the names of a few more wines.
4) Hannah
Hannah came out of her shell this week, first with this zinger out of nowhere…
And then with the revelation that she too was once a young professional athlete, jilted of a golden opportunity just like old mate Zacky boy. Good back story, good jumpsuit, GREAT use of weird alliterative children’s book characters that Zac found even more riveting than Catch 22.
5) Nina
Week after week, Nina continues to prove that she is the realest in the Bachelor mansion. After very coolly delving back into Catch 22 like it’s the easiest thing in the world to read, she gave us these great moments:
… before peeling back her onion layers to reveal some insecurities. She says she’s only gone two onion layers deep out of ten, and by god I hope she sticks around long enough for us to see her raw onion-y core. Gross. Sorry. See? Total Nina.
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6) Viarni
Poor V got sick this week and had to sit out the rose ceremony, very possibly because she contracted foot in mouth disease after saying Zac’s got to kiss a lot of frogs before he finds his princess.
7) Molly
Remember how last week I had a theory that Molly is regressing due to crippling Benjamin Button disease? This week it appears she has FORGOTTEN HER NAME ALTOGETHER
What I also enjoy about Molly is that the other contestants call her THE MOLE, which takes me back to New Zealand’s other great reality television show.
Maybe she is an IRL mole, which is why she is is hammering her fake identity home via trucker cap? Hmmm. She never did open her small birthday present from Dombo the Clown, which does seem suspicious…
8) Rosie
Put on your visors, because Rosie was serving platters of absolute shade this week. She reckoned Lucia should “get a grip” instead of keening like a banshee when Katey got biffed, and then shot this magic bullet side-eye and killed the world:
Chip me some ice off the rink of Rosie’s youth, because I am VERY BADLY BURNED.
9) Jess
Sad to report that Jess may have drowned in a cup of novel-tea this week via being basically nowhere to be seen. Lucky we have our finest head coach of a surf lifesaving club on the case, we can only hope she has found safety on a buoyant sugar cube.
10) Ally
Ally was largely silent this week as well, perhaps to amplify the volume of her bold Shakespearean plait of yore:
11) Lucia
Lucia has kept a low profile, cowering under Katey’s villainous cloak except to occasionally peep her head out and belch something about Claudia’s “ginormous tits” like that’s a bad thing. She did get Zac to touch her on the tooth and, as the old fable says, a touch on the tooth is worth two… in the booth.
I don’t know what it means either. It’s been a long week.
Honourable mentions
This Zagzigger2 pillow for fans of NZ media commentators (h/t Duncan Greive)
Zac doing a weird dance past a cake because normal
This ominous jean rip that would suggest a wild animal has probably been clawing at Dom’s butt
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