Big news for Outlander fans – the trailer for the new season of your favourite sexy time-travelling drama just landed. Outlander recapper Tara Ward tries to decipher what season five may bring.

Friends, it’s time to dance around the room like we are Jamie Fraser eating figs at Hogmanay. The first trailer for season five of Outlander was released yesterday, which means we have escaped the dark Droughtlander wilderness and are heading towards the ginger light, arms splayed open, ready to embrace whatever awaits us. We are one step closer to reuniting with Jamie and Claire and their hat-eating pig, which makes me as happy as a hat-eating pig eating a hat.

Our favourite time-travelling drama returns on February 16, 2020, which is so close you can almost taste it. It probably tastes a bit funky, to be fair, because when we last saw Roger he hadn’t washed for approximately three hundred years. Still, these are the burdens us time travellers must bear. Sweaty historians and exploding hernias, all for the love of this.

There is nothing I love more than breaking an Outlander trailer down, frame by frame, curl by curl, studying every furrowed brow and sultry stare for any deeper meaning about what might lay ahead for us. I’m about to squeeze that delicious one-minute trailer like it’s a soggy facecloth and I am Jamie Fraser giving his wife a sponge bath in a forest. I will wring this puppy of every juicy drop of goodness until all we’re left with is the damp detritus of the Fraser’s unyeilding love and a wet patch where their hopes and dreams used to be.

Because spoiler alert, things are tense in 1769.

If you thought that now the Frasers were back together, and Brianna and Roger had their baby, and Murtagh and Jocasta were rutting like teenagers, that this would be a chilled out season where Jamie and Claire spent their days getting drunk on moonshine and making wild love in a field of strawberries, then I’m sorry. You’ll have to cosplay that sort of wild fanfiction in your own home, because this is sixty seconds of Jamie and Claire looking worried, of guns waved around willy nilly, of bad moods and bad tempers, and worst of all, Roger being a total downer about living in another time and place.

Roger, Roger, Roger. First the knickerbockers, now this.

Look, at the rate our own world is imploding we’ll all be heading through the stones ASAP, so it doesn’t matter how angsty this season looks. We are trapped in our own Idiot Hut of Outlander adoration, so prepare the horses and adjust your tricorn, here’s what we know about season five of Outlander.

The Frasers are ready to rumble

“The Frasers will fight time, space and history to protect their family”. Not sure what exactly that involves, but I’m picking it’s on like 18th century Donkey Kong.

The wigs are so beautiful I want to cry

Look, I’ve said it before and I will say it again, but let us all join hands and breathe in the silky wonder of these new and improved wigs. So tasty I could eat them, so soft I could burrow down and build a home where I would live like it was a cave and I was a lonely Highlander with only a husk of a soul to keep me company.

The gang’s all here

Murtagh, Lord John and Jocasta all pop up, plus I’m also 87% sure I saw Ghost Frank riding sidesaddle on a riverbank. Frank! Fraaaaaaaaaank!

But there was no Stephen Bonnet

YET.

It’s awash in a tsunami of emotion

There’s lots of excited shouting and wobbly double chins, and that was just me after I watched the trailer for the first time.   

Roger is homesick for the future

Sure, his father-in-law beat him to a pulp and sold him as a slave, but they don’t even have climate change in 1769. Sort your shit out Roge, and plant some trees while you’re at it.

They’re preparing for battle

Just a hunch, after Jamie yelled out “prepare for battle”.

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is the present, that’s why it’s a gift

How are the Frasers supposed to have happy tent sex when Claire knows another war is about to kick off? Roger wants to go back, Jamie thinks the future is safer (LOL), and Claire has perfected her pensive ‘it’s all my fault we’re in this terrible mess’ stare. Live, laugh, love, Frasers.

Claire continues to save the world, one exploding hernia at a time

Doctoring, witchcraft, whatever. It’s all going to end in tears, probably mine, because I’m still not over that time Claire just sawed off a man’s arm in a pub back in season one.

“History be damned”

HERSTORY, am I right, Dame Claire Fraser?

 

Catch up on all of Tara Ward’s Outlander recaps here.