Tara Ward delivers the power rankings for week three of The Bachelor NZ, as Moses Mackay’s search for love continues.
This week’s The Real Pod considers the possibility we may be watching the least horny season of The Bachelor ever made. Subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Spotify and all other podcast providers.
The cold winds of change blew through The Bachelor NZ this week, and mates, it felt as strange as Art Green rocking a shorts and dinner jacket combo. Bachelor Momo Mackay waved goodbye to two gems of the house, kicked out another two intruders, called one of his girlfriends by the wrong name and enjoyed a batshit game of archery dodgeball that turned into a testosterone-stuffed sausage fest. Who made up archery dodgeball, anyway? We need a word.
We also said goodbye to Northland, with the entire show moving to Nelson. Not everyone knew where Nelson was, and we’re still not sure, but the women had a group date with a boot and a tarot reader revealed what Moses is actually looking for in “a lady friend”. Did I mention The Boot? It’s a boot! It’s a house! It’s the solution to the housing shortage and I am ready to move in immediately.
The Boot was a lot, The Bach was a lot, and yet, it wasn’t nearly enough. I mean, this is how I like to feel when I watch The Bachelor NZ:
And this is how I felt after watching Moses send all the drama home way, way too early:
We all know that Momo’s heart wants what Momo’s heart wants, but sending home married bisexual church leader Suzanne? A crime against reality TV! Kicking out joker Sam, who leapt from the bushes to put the shits up the intruders? Cover me in aloe vera for the pain! Nomo, Momo. The poor lamb seemed to wilt from the pressure of having too many girlfriends this week, leaving us with three hours of random hedgehogs, frozen berries and more fucking sea kayaking. Sea kayaking! If only it would actually get in the sea.
Let’s get straight into the rankings before my toadstool skin breaks out again.
SENT HOME
Niki
Gracious Niki was a human sacrifice for love, after Moses swapped her out to allow Intruder Annie into the mansion. Saying goodbye is hard, but who will rap at the cocktail parties now? This is terrible news.
Sam
There’s no better way to leave The Bachelor than by scaring the crap out of The Bachelor, and what a moment when Sam leapt out from behind that garden rockery. Tragically, Sam was just hitting her hilarious peak when Moses sent her home, and now she’s gone, gone like the bottom half of Art Green’s trousers.
Suzanne
She wasn’t here to find love, but who cares? Suzanne created more tension and drama in her half hour on the show than we’ve had all season. She immediately ruffled Kimi’s feathers and annoyed Sam, so let’s hope that next week Suzanne jumps out from behind some bushes to put the shits right up everyone all over again.
Alana
Alana, we barely knew you. She came, she saw, she got the hell out of that mansion, but at least she had time for a lovely catch-up with her mate Devaney.
Kimi
Kimi had fomo for Momo, but the writing was on the mansion wall when Moses refused to commit to a regular Saturday morning “surface-level shallow gossip” sesh once he and Kimi returned to the real world. Moses doesn’t like gossip and Kimi doesn’t like spending two weeks in the mansion without a date and that’s the end of this very romantic story.
The contenders
8) Lydia
Lydia was outraged when a pack of cards suggested she preferred a fun time with her pals more than becoming an opera singer’s girlfriend. Now, I’m no tarot reader sitting in front of a big boot, but I just hiffed all my Uno cards onto the floor and look what happened:
Coincidence? Hundy p, as they say in this wicked game of love. Also, Lydia should have been more outraged that nobody stayed the night in that giant boot. It’s a shoe and a house! What a world.
7) Negin
Negin’s emotional week made her run away from the mansion with a bag of frozen berries and eat them like potato chips. Negin loves berries, but everyone else loves berries too and the mansion is under strict berry rationing. Who can find love under such tense conditions? I’m a spotty fungi of nerves once more.
6) Lou
Loooooooooou where are yoooooooooooou?
5) Devaney
Devaney also struggled this week and worried about her connection with Moses. Should she leave and desert her BFFs in the house, or stay for another exciting game of dodgeball archery? A total cliffhanger for this total legend.
4) Lana
Did the splits. Complete champ.
3) Chanel Excel
Dates with harnesses are always awkward, but Chanel Excel had a lovely time parasailing with Moses. She wasn’t even put off when he said she sounded like Minnie Mouse, because everyone loves to be told they sound like a cartoon rodent by the man they hope to marry. Moses sang for Chanel and she ate some oysters and then disappeared for several days, and nobody could explain it. Someone said something about a missed flight to Nelson, but please, only Minnie Mouse would fall for a rumour like that.
2) Annie
“The Silent Assassin” lands in second spot, purely for embracing the Bachelor US style of greeting her single fella with a smooth sprint, leap and straddle movement. This is why I could never go on The Bachelor, because I have not left the ground since 2009. Annie’s aerobics kicked off what Moses called “the best date yet”, which is exactly what he said to Lana last week. Wait until he stays a night in The Boot. It’s both a shoe and a house! I’d straddle it myself.
1) Shanae
Moses may have called Shanae “Chanel” in error, but these two ate scones in front of a big boot which definitely means it’s love.