Tara Ward power ranks week three of Celebrity Treasure Island.
Welcome back to paradise, and has there ever been a week like it? Our celebrities battled some of the worst conditions ever seen on CTI, enduring the freezing cold, pouring rain and a meat pack prize that nobody ended up winning. The damp seeped into their bones and into their hearts, and while rivalry was high, morale sunk to new lows. As far as relaxing beach holidays go, this one could do with some help.
We lost a whopping four players this week, but the 10 celebs who remained tried their best to have a good time. Cully and Bubbah had a bath together, while Team Aihe won a birthday party feast with cheerios and fairy bread. There was a surprising amount of nipple talk, and some castaways made a pretend podcast on the beach using driftwood for microphones, just like the professionals.
Plus, we must tip our waterproof hats to CTI’s production team, who once again outdid themselves with this incredible, one-of-a-kind celebrity edition of Guess Who, or as Wairangi Koopu called it, “Who’s That”. This game was a thing of beauty and should be sold in all good toy stores immediately. Put it in Te Papa! Put it in my house! Enough with the tiny heads, let’s step into our power (rankings).
SELF-ELIMINATED: Spankie Jackzon
“Sometimes you’ve got to know when enough is enough,” Spankie announced as she unexpectedly withdrew from the game. Having suffered a rib injury that left her struggling to breathe, Spankie dressed up as a Christmas tree and bid everyone an emotional farewell. “It’s been the most incredible experience of my life,” she declared in tears, before making like a tree and… leafing.
ELIMIINATED: Aidee Walker
Aidee started the week stuck in a net and ended it being pushed over by a box, which means she left having experienced the very best of what CTI offers. “I’ve really enjoyed it, especially the last few days,” she said. “I feel like I’ve done my whānau really proud.”
WITHDRAWN: Mea Motu
Mea was one of this season’s fiercest and most loyal competitors, so it was a shock to see her being carried off the island in a medical emergency. Competing in an intense challenge that was held in the pouring rain made an existing respiratory illness worse for Mea, and after a night in hospital, Bree and Lance announced that Mea wouldn’t be returning to the game.
ELIMINATED: Janaye Henry
Some say it rained a lot on CTI this week, others say the downpour was all the tears from the celebrities. Janaye was hugely disappointed to be eliminated, having barely tapped into her vast knowledge of the game. At least she managed to appear on Duncan Garner’s beach podcast before she went, where she correctly argued that the issue with snoring lies not with the fulsome nasal cavities of the snorer, but with the over-sensitive ears of the snoree. That’s fact, that’s science, that’s CTI, baby.
10. James Rolleston
James survived two elimination battles in two weeks, sending two influential players (Suzanne and Janaye) from the game. He also eliminated an eel from the game of life this week, providing valuable nutrition for his team. Who will he eliminate next?
9. Millen Baird
Old mate Javelin Legs made some important announcements this week: 1) “I went for seven wees in the night, so there might be something wrong with me,” and 2) “crikey diddles”. Makes you think.
8. Wairangi Koopu
The Wētā leader may have retained his captaincy, but he went rogue with some unexpected nipple chit chat during a charity challenge. “I know nipples come in various colours, and I know nipples come in shades of pink. But I feel like my nipples are pink.” That’s all for now.
7. Michelle Langstone
Michelle woke up feeling “naughty” and had a lovely time causing complete chaos. The actor masterminded a plan to distract Team Wēta with a pretend argument that involved her sobbing on the beach and Christian Cullen storming off to the sidelines. Early reviews of the performance are impressive (“five stars, you got me good,” says Anonymous Spinoff Power Ranker) and hopes are high for a sequel.
However, nothing topped the pure, unbridled emotion that washed over Chef Michelle when she spied Duncan Garner fiddling with her rice. “It’s not your rice day!!!!!” she shouted at the broadcaster. Meryl Streep could never! IT’S NOT YOUR RICE DAY, DUNCAN GARNER!!!!
6. Carmel Sepuloni
Carmel is playing this game with real intensity, and when she found herself in a tough elimination battle, she and teammate Gaby rose to the challenge. The duo kept a box in the air with their feet for an astonishing 51 minutes, calling on superhuman strength and endurance to outlast, outplay, outbox. “It’s an amazing thing to be put with a young Samoan woman in a challenge like that, and being able to win it. I think it’s quite an accomplishment,” the former deputy prime minister said, wiping tears from her eyes.
5. Gaby Solomona
When Gaby began to sing a Samoan song to rally Carmel during their exhausting challenge, it was one of those unexpected, emotionally powerful moments that CTI does so well. Watching two strong Pasifika women of different generations, inspiring each other to find strength they didn’t know they had, instantly became one of the most uplifting moments of the season. “At this point, I’m don’t even really care about the game,” JP said, watching on in awe. “I just want to see our people be brave.”
4. Duncan Garner
Speaking of uplifting: Duncan Garner, everyone. “I will die on this beach. You can leave my carcass on the sand, and tell my kids, ‘he fought to the end’,” the war hero/reality TV castaway said, who was definitely not being melodramatic about yanking on a big bungee cord next to his hero Christian Cullen in the pissing rain. In other news, IT’S NOT YOUR RICE DAY, DUNCAN GARNER!
3. Christian Cullen
Imagine if every episode of CTI was just Christian Cullen saying things. This week, the mysterious smooth guy compared meeting Duncan Garner to meeting Tiger Woods, and then couldn’t say “mouthpiece” without sending his mouthpiece into both mouths and pieces. Nobody was sadder than Cully when he had to share the jet plane lolly prize (“I’m a big jet plane fan”), and then he delivered another Oscar-winning performance, this time as “Man Storming Off Beach” during the fake argument.
But nothing will beat Christian Cullen opening up to the nation about his own emergency defecation situation. In a story worthy of front page news, Cully revealed that as a young paperboy, he’d had to make an unexpected pitstop in an unknown Dominion Post subscriber’s garden. “I delivered the paper… and a number two,” he confessed.
2. JP Foliaki
JP was in big demand this week, with both Bubbah and Millen borrowing a pen from production and writing letters to him proposing a secret alliance. Although he already had a secret alliance with Gaby, JP made the bold move of revealing Millen’s offer to the rest of his team in an effort to earn their trust. Turns out the last thing Team Wētā trusts is a trustworthy player. “Don’t play games like that!” Carmel ordered, as she played the game. Good luck to one and all.
1. Bubbah
Bubbah is having the time of her life. She formalised her alliance with Mysterious Smooth Guy Christian Cullen while taking a bath together. She called Duncan Garner “hottie” and body slammed him on the beach. Then she got one up on her team by slipping a secret note to JP, seizing the moment when everyone was distracted by a fake argument that was supposed to distract everyone from being distracted, or something. “Did you get that on camera? I think I was a smooth criminal,” Bubbah said proudly. The rest, as they say on Duncan Garner’s pretend beach podcast, is history.
Celebrity Treasure Island screens Monday-Wednesday at 7.30pm on TVNZ2 and streams on TVNZ+.