We’re one week into the new season, and a surprising and sulky breakout star has emerged.

Before 2022, Dame Susan Devoy was known to most New Zealanders as a world champion squash player first, Race Relations Commissioner second, and Centrum spokesperson third. Her public image was serious and straight-laced: she had excelled in her field on the world stage, before becoming the youngest New Zealander to receive a titular honour from the Queen since Sir Edmund Hillary, and then taken on a demanding senior public servant position. 

Then she said five immortal words: “Jim’s got a big vag”. 

Celebrity Treasure Island allowed Dame Susan Devoy to reveal the real person behind the persona: funny, frank, and deeply, deeply weird. While we have long championed CTI in its ability to showcase a fascinating cross-section of New Zealanders and provide unfathomably poignant moments, the series also allows its stars to let their freak flags fly, free from the the constraints of their day-to-day public-facing personas.

While some may say that Suzanne Paul has taken up the mantle of breakout star this season, I would dispute this. We all already knew that Suzanne Paul was incredible talent, and the fact that she has hit the ground running with allegations of “jiggery pokery” and referring to herself as a “Natural Glow ho” is, frankly, par for the course. The breakout star has to be someone truly surprising, who instantly upends everything you thought you knew about them. 

Enter Christian Cullen. What did I truly know about Christian Cullen before last week? I knew that he was an All Black and I had a vague sense that he played for the Hurricanes sometime around when McDonald’s Happy Meals came with those soft toy heads that chanted “get real” and “wicked”. I hadn’t thought about Christian Cullen for at least two decades when he popped up having a series of understated and very funny mini-sulks on the new season of Celebrity Treasure Island. 

The first came when contestants were tasked with finding a tiny prize buried on a very large beach. Cullen, or Cully, wasn’t having a bar of it. “When you see a dog digging a hole, they just love it,” he mused, “but it wasn’t my cup of tea.” While the concept of a grumpy former All Black is about as groundbreaking as florals for spring, there was something different about Cully’s delivery: a twinkle in the eye, a wry smile, a self-awareness in the sullenness. 

When they arrived at their camp, a masterclass edit between the reaction of Cully and actor Michelle Langstone revealed further depths to his bemused disdain. “My first impression walking into camp is… how come there are no windows, how come we haven’t got a back to our hut? Does it get windy? Is it going to get cold?” he fretted, visibly disturbed. “Sleeping really close to people that you don’t know? And then I ended up being on the top bunk? Great combo.” 

In episode two, Bubbah revealed that she found Christian Cullen to be captivating. “He’s like a god to me at the moment,” she told the camera. “He’s so cool, he’s just like a mysterious smooth guy.” The extent of her smooth guy investigation was asking if he was still training, and him saying “yeah, nah.” But then came a huge development in the case: she got him to laugh at her joke. “Knock knock” “Who’s there?” “Chee” “Chee who?” “CHEEEE HOOOO!”

When it came to the first team face off, Cullen reminded us that although he may seem as laid back as he is fed up, there is still a competitive world class athlete lurking beneath the sighs. “I will be watching him,” Cullen said after Tāmati Coffey’s cheating scandal. “Not when I’m sleeping, but I’ll be watching him.” Team Wētā won again, and Cullen shook his humble head at their peacocking. “Be happy, but stay humble,” he said. 

But the highlight of Cullen’s journey back into the spotlight came during episode three’s charity challenge, where contestants had to make each other laugh by telling jokes. “When Bubbah laughs, she makes sure everyone knows that she’s laughing,” Cullen said. “But I laugh within. I could stand there for hours and hours and not laugh.” Alas, the mysterious smooth guy was soon busting up at yet another knock knock joke. 

“Knock knock,” said Millen Baird. “Who’s there?” said Tāmati Coffey. “I don’t know, would you like to come in anyway?” 

In the background, Cullen cackled and looked happier than a dog having a premium dig. His own jokes were also terrific: “I told my wife I could drive spaghetti,” he began. “You should have seen her face when I drove PASTA!” His eyebrows shot up for the punchline, leaving boxer Mea Motu in a fit of giggles. The physical comedy continued, with Cullen in the unforgettable role as tortoise-quickly-tucking-head-in-T-shirt. 

You can also pick a breakout star by how often the other contestants refer to, and defer to, them. “What do you call a religious vampire?” joked Janaye Henry. “Christian Cullen.” JP Foliaki looked back at Cully’s face, and it was all over for everyone. Congratulations to the early breakout star of Celebrity Treasure Island: Cullen by name, sullen by nature, branded a “mysterious smooth guy” by Bubbah and firmly crackup, by all accounts. 

Celebrity Treasure Island airs Monday-Wednesday on TVNZ2, and here on TVNZ+