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The Tribe Has Spoken: Survivor San Juan Del Sur Episodes 1 & 2

The first couple eps of Survivor San Juan Del Sur: Blood vs Water 2 played out as you’d expect. Pretty low-key. Mostly getting to know the key components. In episode one the blue team won both challenges and the orange team kicked off twinnie Nadiya. It was a fine, if a little unspectacular ep, where the highlights were John Rocker (an ex-Baseball player and the inspiration for Eastbound and Down’s Kenny Powers) finding a little friend named Wes who will essentially be his lil Stevie (hopefully he loses all his hair) and Broadway baby Josh getting the reddest and most raw looking eyeballs after lying under some poison sap.

red eyes

Here are my brother’s thoughts on the ep:

unnamed

I agree that Josh came out looking like one of the strongest players in the first episode and feel for him struggling through the haunting yesterdays induced by lovely ladies of Survivor.

The second episode was a bit more interesting with a great challenge and a few inklings of strategy. Again, the Orange tribe lost at everything. Worth noting here that the more they lose, the madder John Rocker seems to get, and the closer we are to the inevitable John Rocker explosion. Looking forward to that.

Here’s my analysis of said strategy employed so far on BvW2: It is bad strategy. The only hint of strategic acumen has come from Josh (more in a bit). Other than that, a lot of these Survivors seem dumb. Which is a shame given the high-levels of Survivor gameplay we’ve been treated to in the past couple seasons. For example: Val’s bold strategic gambit was to pretend she had two idols, which is very outlandish at this point in the game and someone with even the slightest bit of Survivor knowledge will know it’s bullshit. Luckily she told it to Johnny Rock who bought it 100% (EVEN AFTER HE FOUND HIS OWN IDOL! Come on Rock!). The problem is he was dumb enough to buy it, and was also dumb enough to seal her fate. Assuming she’d play her idol, led to an unnecessarily weird vote, which ultimately saw Val headin home.

A few Survivors have already stuck their heads up as strong characters who look like they’ll make waves, but at this point the Survivor waters are still fairly quiet. Here are my power rankings for the first two episodes:

SURVIVOR SAN JUAN DEL SUR BLOOD VERSUS WATER POWER RANKINGS*

*Yah some of the castaways were up to sweet fuck all in these first two eps so if they’re not here just assume they’re essentially comatose and assumedly have no chance of winning the game.

15) JOSH’S KILLER TRIBAL COUNCIL HAIR

josh hair

14) JOHN ROCKER’S SURVIVOR FOOTWEAR

rocker shoe

Nice one Johnny Rock. This ain’t Comfort Quest 2K14 bro. Speaking of shoes…

13) THE FACT THAT AROUND 50% OF THE SURVIVORS DECIDED TO WEAR VIBRAM TOE-SHOES

Good lookin out everybody. I mean, I get it. You have to balance on logs and shit. But it’s a well-known fact that the dream of the Vibram toe-shoe is a lie. An ugly, ugly lie.

12) BUFFOONISH MEN

John from the blue tribe is essentially Stiffler from American Pie and Alec is maybe the densest seeming Survivor since Nice Guy Eddie.

11) KEITH’S SURVIVOR LOOK #1

keith good look

 Five Star.

10) DALE

dale orange

At first glance, Dale is easily the most lovable Survivor on the season. He’s very old (50 or near offer) and has decked himself out in the world’s most orange outfit. Adorable. I don’t know much about Dale, but I know my girlfriend said “I love Dale” around 500 times during the first two episodes. I believe in Dale.

9) THE RETURN OF THE MOST AGGRESSIVE SURVIVOR CHALLENGE OF ALL TIME

The Survivors duel it out on some floatilla using fairly firm seeming pillow things. I thought this challenge peaked last time they did it, when the villainous former-heroin addict-cum-yoga guru Vytas Baskauskas, pretended to be injured then swept his brother’s leg (which was really cool), but this episode may have topped it when Mother (Missy) and daughter (Baylor) charged each other and promptly smashed heads leaving Baylor in tears!

baylor cryinh

The best part was that she refused to quit the challenge though and ended up kicking her Mum’s ass. It was bloody great.

Other highlights from the challenge include Dale’s emotional turmoil when his daughter had to fight (Oh Dale…) and when Johnny Rock got his nose busted open but was just like, “Fuck it.” and it was never spoken of again.

8) WES LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE CHEF BEN BAYLY FROM MY KITCHEN RULES

wes ben bayly

Unbelievable! I love it!

7) TWINNIE NATALIE

I dunno why but I get a good vibe off of the remaining twinnie. History says that it’s the castaways whose loved ones are jettisoned early, who do well in the Blood vs Water format, so maybe the eviction of Natalie’s twin is a blessing disguised as a thing that apparently made her cry for the first time in ten years. I believe in Twinnie Natalie.

6) BIG JOHNNY ROCK THROWING SHADE FROM THE MOUND

rocker shade

Lmao.

5) JULIE ROCKER (NEE MCGEE)

Julie has shown top-rate self-awareness and I loved it when she beat John Rocker in a one-on-one challenge and made him cry like a little baby. Julie seems like the sharpest player on the blue team to me. I believe in Julie Rocker.

4) JEREMY

Jeremy seems like a strong contestant to me. I like his bad boy attitude and how he’s seemingly not afraid to talk smack and I like his competitive drive and I like how he’s an absolutely ripped beast and I like how he made around 200 alliances within five seconds of the game. Also in touch with his feelings if you’re into that stuff. Also how sick is a cut as black dude with a Boston accent?! I love it! I believe in Jeremy.

3) THE POSSIBILITY OF A DAWN OF THE PLANET OF THE APES-STYLE HOWLER MONKEY TAKEOVER

So many monkeys. I like the loud monkeys.

2) THE FREAKIEST IMMUNITY IDOL IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD

idol hell

Here is my prediction: “Oh cool we won the immunity ido- OH SHIT IT’S SUCKING OUR SOULS IN THROUGH ITS EYE SOCKETS OH SHIT WE ARE ALL DEAD!” and then Jeff sucks out the souls and lives forever and we’re all the better for it.

1) JOSH AND REED

josh-reed

Easily the most impressive couple on the show so far. Not only because they have easily the best hair and most impressive bone structure, but Reed has shown a strong physical presence and Josh has shown a willingness to take control of the game from a strategic standpoint. If they both make the merge I feel like Reed and Josh could be strong contenders to go far. Also Reed’s little shorts are really great and I like how Josh has the same facial wrinkles as Harvey Milk. I believe in Josh and Reed.

Looking forward to the next episode.

Watch Survivor: San Juan Del Sur on FOUR On Demand

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