In the first of a new series looking at relationships in New Zealand, a woman who has been married for 45 years remembers smashing plates during fights and considers how much her relationship has changed. 

Want to be part of Love, actually? Fill out the questionnaire here.

Age: 63

Gender: Female

Sexuality: Heterosexual

Ethnicity: NZ European

Religion: None

Occupation: Various – mainly in field of health and disability.

Length of relationship: 45 years. Married when we were both 19. By choice – not pregnant.

Children: Four, aged 41, 40, 28 and 24

How we met: In a pub – both underage drinkers. Sorry Mum.

The best think about my relationship: Rock solid backup in everything. The laughs.

A problem we can’t seem to resolve: Eventually all problems if not resolved have been forgotten.

This is how we share/separate our finances: Always shared. Only joint accounts. I have a Wise account in my name we use when travelling. I’m in charge of all bills/budgeting/banking/investments. My husband has always earnt more than me.

This is how we split chores and childcare: In the mists of time this one but I did the lion’s share. For a period of time I worked exclusively night shifts to make it work – my husband and I swapped the kids over at 6pm. I got them off to daycare/school the next morning and did household chores/meal prep then had a nap before picking everyone up. The two bigger kids did a lot for the little ones. Our home jobs have always been pretty old school gender divided.

Out sex life in three words: Birthdays and Christmas.

The thing that makes me a good partner: I don’t actually know that I am one. I know my husband appreciates my humour and my brain.

The thing I need to work on to be a better partner: I don’t work on much to do with myself – it’s very much an “if you don’t know me by now” situation I’m afraid.

What I most appreciate in my partner: Such a hard worker with a wicked sense of humour. Extremely loyal. A hugely talented fixer of anything and everything. Cracks me up still on the daily. No one could have been a better nurse when I had cancer.

What I most resent in my relationship: I still do 95% of the cooking/meals despite us both working full time.He makes bread and has a few signature dishes. Very good at stirring gravy and holding electric beater while I do something else. Mind you he doesn’t care if I say it’s a “get your own” night.

The thing that has changed the most about my relationship over time: We have kept on falling in love with different versions of one another as time has passed. Luckily.

It would surprise people to know this about my relationship: He is actually by far and away the one that provides the emotional strength that has kept the whole circus going all these years. I have fallen to pieces many times behind the scenes.

Our last big fight was about: Can’t remember… big fights are a thing of the past really. But we’ve had some doozies. I smashed a lot of plates the first couple of years we were married.

If I hadn’t met my partner: The plan was to become a journalist and live in a kibbutz in Israel with a Land Rover and two German Shepherds. No regrets.

I expect my relationship to last until: Death.

My relationship advice is: It is very possible to have a long lasting relationship: you simply don’t leave. It is a lot harder to have a happy long lasting relationship. Luck and timing play a part. But I guess I’d advise the following:

• Don’t have sex with anyone else
• It is possible to hate the person you are married to intensely at times. Often It means bugger all.
• Have a few non-negotiable “rules” around behaviour