Just because you’re no longer being invited to parties every weekend doesn’t mean you have to stop having fun. Here’s some ideas on how to make it happen.

I remember them fondly. Birthday parties, Halloween parties, house warming parties, new flatmate parties, end of lease parties, your friend’s friend’s friend’s parties, graduation parties, new job parties, “I quit” parties, goodbye parties, Friday night parties, Saturday night parties, Wednesday night parties, drinks that turn into parties, party parties. Sadly, these days, the locations of these parties elude me. 

Once you pass 30, flirty and thriving, the party invites start to dry up. All your friends seem to move into places that are too small or too nice or share too many walls with strangers to host parties. Your slightly younger friends probably still have parties but don’t invite you, perhaps because you clung to skinny jeans for a little too long or because last time you couldn’t stop yawning and went home before midnight. Maybe they sent the invite out via TikTok so it didn’t reach you. Lamentable, but we can choose to laugh rather than cry at the relentless march of time. 

What we’re missing on those quiet, sleepy nights isn’t the hangover, ringing ears, jam-packed kitchens, questionable playlists or over-the-top outfits. It’s the complete abandonment of responsibilities. When you’re on the dance floor, in your glittery eyeshadow, being utterly directionless, is joy. Without parties, how can we chase fun without having ulterior motives like self-improvement, hustling, upskilling, being healthy, virtuous, getting a good Tinder photo or being otherwise productive?

Visit Bunnings

It’s big, bright, and on Sunday mornings you can probably get a sausage on the way in (or out). Think of it like home ownership tourism, like dreaming within a dream, where you can imagine home improvements to your imaginary house. Buying stuff is optional. Simply appreciate the shine of brand new buckets, the bright blue of masking tape, watch paint colours be mixed, caress leaves in the plant section, look at the power tools and imagine all the horrible accidents that could befall you if you were to use them.

Trim your toenails

Do it outside in the sunshine, where the clippings are naturally tidied up by grass and time. A simple grooming routine can do a lot for the soul. 

Have a baby

Well, it looks fun on Instagram and will certainly keep you busy. It won’t help your career, finances or health, so I can’t imagine what ulterior non-fun motive there might be. You have to constantly buy new equipment as it grows, which is excellent (see cycling below). You get to wear a papoose and say the word “papoose” a lot. I’ve noticed that after one baby, lots of people have more, despite the fact everything is expensive and everyone is sleep-deprived all the time. 

Bouldering

As in going to a rock climbing gym and clinging onto the fake rocks screwed into the walls, but only the ones that are not higher than four-and-a-half metres. We’ve all had friends go from zero to obsessed within a week, so there must be a reason. Insider reports say the gyms have been busy, but being socially awkward is acceptable, so don’t worry about having to make small talk. You can get those shoes that curl up and if they’re way too small, that’s actually the right size.

Swallowing cameras

I know your guts are crook by now, and there’s only so much that avoiding gluten, onions and dairy can do. At some point something’s gonna break, grow or bleed in there and the doctors are going to want to take a look. If their method of choice is gastroscopy, lean into the sedation and enjoy, thanking your lucky stars they chose to look through this orifice and not the other one. 

Cycling

This is great for people with jobs that pay quite well because you can really spend as much money as you like. An expensive bike is only the beginning – surely you need more than one, little computers to go on them, very thin tyres that puncture all the time, a flash helmet, lights, lots of high-tech lycra, special clip-on shoes, and a lock heavier than your bike frame. Buying stuff makes you happy, right?

Try to find your old MySpace

It’s out there, and it’s probably full of teen party photos featuring embarrassing haircuts and confusing outfits. The internet remembers everything (apart from Bebo).

Become a cheap motel connoisseur

Why not just drive to Whitianga and stay at one of the many owner-operator motels? It’s really best if you look around the $100 per night mark, because you want something charmingly unrenovated. It might have vinyl wallcoverings from the 70s, a pleather headboard, 1960s cubby hole cupboards in the kitchen, a TV with Sky mounted on the wall, sheets that are so starched they smell like potatoes, and terrible shower pressure. In this glorious setting, you can do absolutely nothing and it will feel new and different and fun.

Karaoke

Especially if you’re no good at singing, because the most important element is not caring what anyone thinks. Your friends might shudder as their eardrums perforate, but just remember: the most important part of a performance is enthusiasm. Also getting friends out is more difficult these days, so having a planned activity is a good lure. 

Checking the letter box

You never know what you might find: love letters, a tiny sock that fell off a baby’s foot and was placed on top, or, most likely, HelloFresh discount codes for former residents (not that I opened the envelopes). I would like to make it known that my letterbox is available for party invitations, too, even though I am old.