A proposal to change the speed limit on a Christchurch motorway could save up to 49 seconds of precious time. Here’s how to use it wisely.
This week, consultation opened on a government proposal to increase the speed limit to 110km/h on a portion of Christchurch’s Southern Motorway. “Boosting economic growth and productivity is a key part of the government’s plan to rebuild the economy,” said transport minister Simeon Brown of the change. “This proposal supports that outcome by reducing travel times and increasing efficiency on this key South Island freight route.”
While Brown didn’t dwell on the impact of increased speed limits on the death toll, or on air pollution, which also can contribute to the death toll, he missed the most important detail of all: this change could shave up to 49 seconds off this Christchurch commute. Add that to Warkworth’s 20 bonus minutes, and Kāpiti’s proposed one minute 20 bonus, and the nation’s commuters could combine their precious savings to watch half an episode of Top Gear.
For now, here are 49 things Christchurch drivers could plan to do with their 49 bonus seconds.
49. Learn to count
An eagle-eyed reader has pointed out that an earlier version on this list did not actually have 49 ideas. The Spinoff apologies for this error, and is now taking the steps required to upskill by watching this.
48. Face the cookie
A classic Celebrity Treasure Island game that is possible to win in under a minute. Put a cookie on your forehead and simply scrunch your face until it falls into your open mouth. Harder with Botox.
47. Drink a big glass of Christchurch water
Then wash that cookie down with a lovely, delicious, non-compliant but still safe to drink water.
46. Stare at a Magic Eye
Haven’t seen the Christchurch Wizard in a while? It’s because he’s been trapped in here by an awful spell.
45. Relive Dick Tayler’s gold at the 1974 Commonwealth Games
Although Phil Mauger’s manic pixie dream of hosting the Commonwealth Games may be over, there is always time to relive Dick Tayler’s triumphant gold won here in 1974.
44. Try and run as fast as Dick Tayler in 1974
And then, much like Mauger’s Commonwealth Games plans, give up your dreams.
43. Get through half a souvlaki
Or a full kids-size one if you are feeling crazy.
42. Map a right-turn-less journey
Save yourself time and stress by using your 49 seconds to map a route through Christchurch without having to make any uncontrolled right-hand nightmare turns. You know why.
41. Learn the Nato phonetic alphabet
Could come in handy when you need to alert a loved one to your rush-hour plight. Imagine how much less grumpy they will be when you call to say “I’m stuck on Bravo, Romeo, Oscar, Uniform, Golf, Hotel, Alfa, Mike, going to be late home for Delta, India, November, November, Echo, Romeo.”
40. Paint two fingernails
Middle finger for when you see a speed bump, thumbs up for when you don’t.
39. Treat yourself to a 49-second car sit
“It involves nothing more than sitting in your car, doing absolutely nothing and going absolutely nowhere.”
38. Think about this chilling discarded piece of home decor I saw in Spreydon
37. And then this chilling vandalised car I saw on the same street a week later
36. Pop your head into your ceiling cavity
A decision that might just make you $232,000 richer?
35. Learn the chorus of ‘Of Course You Canterbury’
“I know you can make it
I know you can work it out
Because you can-can-Canterbury-can-can
Of course you can, Canterbury”
34. Boil the jug
Not to brag, but mine can do one cup of water within the allocated time frame. Probably not the most economic use of electricity but who cares?! Live fast, drive fast, make tea fast.
33. Have a 49-second brawl
I dunno, just seems like there are a lot of brawls going on out there.
32. Say ‘where did you go to school’ as many times as you can
This is going to sound made up, but I just tried this and managed it exactly… 49 times. I have chills. I didn’t go to school here.
31. Slide down one of the new Hanmer Springs hydroslides
Look it’s an additional 90-minute drive either way, but you gotta make those extra seconds count. This is about efficiency, people.
30. Solve a crime
Still wondering what was going on with all those freaky dead possums at the start of the year.
29. Watch this Andrew Mehrtens video
“Because he can-can-Canterbury-can-can
Of course he can, Canterbury”
28. Do some road cone comedy
If you’re in Christchurch there’s likely a hot single road cone in your area, just begging to be used for just under a minute of improvised prop comedy.
27. Send someone a compliment
“Hi there Simeon Brown, I am so impressed by the way you can definitely drive.”
26. Listen to Tom DeLonge’s verse in ‘I Miss You’
Starting at 1.18 will get you nicely from Tom DeLonge’s “where aaooree yeeeww” all the way to the end of the chorus in 49 seconds. But still, never forgive and never forget.
25. Solve a mini crossword
The average New York Times mini crossword is reported to take around one minute 30 to complete, but we saw someone on Reddit with a personal best of nine seconds. We formally invite that person to come to Christchurch and see how many crosswords they can complete in 49 seconds on the side of the southern motorway.
24. Do a short meditation
Here’s one that someone named Lauren Ostrowski Fenton prepared earlier, which will leave you with nine seconds spare to ace the mini crossword.
23. Have a whinge
Christchurch took out the title of whingiest city in the country last year, making more than 82,000 complaints on the app Snap, Send, Solve. Let’s keep the cup in Canterbury.
22. Pull up some weeds
Spring has sprung! Set the timer and see how many of those suckers you can whip out in 49 seconds. This is the efficiency and productivity Brown dreams of at night.
21. Plant some seeds
Spring has sprung! Set the timer and see how many of those suckers you can get in the ground in 49 seconds. This is the efficiency and productivity Brown dreams of at night.
20. Steal a flower
Spring has sprung! Set the timer and see how many flowers you can steal from the Botans to resell/rebuild the economy with. This is the efficiency and productivity Brown dreams of at night. (Please don’t do this.)
19. Wash your hands
Remember when we all got really into washing our hands really well for a while there? What happened to us?
18. Delete some photos
You simply don’t need that many pictures of you folding up your hair to imitate a fringe.
17. Process the Electric Avenue lineup
Lot of combinations of words I’ve never seen before in there.
16. Empty a bin
Could be digital, could be analog, you’ll know what you need.
15. Live
Self-explanatory.
14. Laugh
Self-explanatory.
13. Love
Self-explanatory.
12. Clean your glasses properly
This is actually just becoming a to-do list for me.
11. Watch this great TikTok
Of a guy doing the country’s longest Uber Eats delivery by picking up Bobby’s famous fried chicken in Aranui, and flying it all the way Auckland:
10. Read one page of a book
Could be Gary McCormick’s Millennium Man, could be Dan Carter’s My Story, could be the first page of this interesting bit of literature.
9. Make a microwave mug cake
OK, this might go slightly over the 49-second mark so you’ll have to make the time back elsewhere in your day. We suggest maximising efficiency by flushing your breakfast smoothie straight down the toilet every morning.
8. Ride the tram
But only from roughly the Nespresso Shop to Kathmandu and NO FURTHER.
7. Place a quick online order from New World St Martins
It’s one of the most expensive supermarkets in the country, but it’s the best we’ve got.
6. Look at an object 20 metres away for 20 seconds
We should all be doing this much more and there is simply no better time to start than while controlling a giant metal machine weighing 2,000kg and travelling at 110km/h.
5. Work on breaking the Guinness World Record for most ping pong balls bounced against wall with mouth
Current record? 47 balls in 30 seconds. You can-can-do this Canterbury.
4. Say a prayer
Worth a shot.
3. Make a wish
Worth a shot.
2. Hold out hope
Worth a shot.
1. Partake in the public consultation process, open until October 1
Worth a shot.