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SocietySeptember 5, 2024

Forty-nine things Christchurch drivers could do with their extra 49 seconds

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A proposal to change the speed limit on a Christchurch motorway could save up to 49 seconds of precious time. Here’s how to use it wisely. 

This week, consultation opened on a government proposal to increase the speed limit to 110km/h on a portion of Christchurch’s Southern Motorway. “Boosting economic growth and productivity is a key part of the government’s plan to rebuild the economy,” said transport minister Simeon Brown of the change. “This proposal supports that outcome by reducing travel times and increasing efficiency on this key South Island freight route.”

While Brown didn’t dwell on the impact of increased speed limits on the death toll, or on air pollution, which also can contribute to the death toll, he missed the most important detail of all: this change could shave up to 49 seconds off this Christchurch commute. Add that to Warkworth’s 20 bonus minutes, and Kāpiti’s proposed one minute 20 bonus, and the nation’s commuters could combine their precious savings to watch half an episode of Top Gear.

For now, here are 49 things Christchurch drivers could plan to do with their 49 bonus seconds.

49. Learn to count

An eagle-eyed reader has pointed out that an earlier version on this list did not actually have 49 ideas. The Spinoff apologies for this error, and is now taking the steps required to upskill by watching this.

48. Face the cookie

A classic Celebrity Treasure Island game that is possible to win in under a minute. Put a cookie on your forehead and simply scrunch your face until it falls into your open mouth. Harder with Botox.

47. Drink a big glass of Christchurch water

Then wash that cookie down with a lovely, delicious, non-compliant but still safe to drink water. 

46. Stare at a Magic Eye

Haven’t seen the Christchurch Wizard in a while? It’s because he’s been trapped in here by an awful spell. 

45. Relive Dick Tayler’s gold at the 1974 Commonwealth Games

Although Phil Mauger’s manic pixie dream of hosting the Commonwealth Games may be over, there is always time to relive Dick Tayler’s triumphant gold won here in 1974. 

44. Try and run as fast as Dick Tayler in 1974

And then, much like Mauger’s Commonwealth Games plans, give up your dreams.

43. Get through half a souvlaki

Or a full kids-size one if you are feeling crazy.

42. Map a right-turn-less journey

Save yourself time and stress by using your 49 seconds to map a route through Christchurch without having to make any uncontrolled right-hand nightmare turns. You know why

41. Learn the Nato phonetic alphabet

Could come in handy when you need to alert a loved one to your rush-hour plight. Imagine how much less grumpy they will be when you call to say “I’m stuck on Bravo, Romeo, Oscar, Uniform, Golf, Hotel, Alfa, Mike, going to be late home for Delta, India, November, November, Echo, Romeo.” 

40. Paint two fingernails

Middle finger for when you see a speed bump, thumbs up for when you don’t.

39. Treat yourself to a 49-second car sit

“It involves nothing more than sitting in your car, doing absolutely nothing and going absolutely nowhere.”

38. Think about this chilling discarded piece of home decor I saw in Spreydon

37. And then this chilling vandalised car I saw on the same street a week later

36. Pop your head into your ceiling cavity

A decision that might just make you $232,000 richer?

35. Learn the chorus of ‘Of Course You Canterbury’

I know you can make it
I know you can work it out
Because you can-can-Canterbury-can-can
Of course you can, Canterbury

34. Boil the jug

Not to brag, but mine can do one cup of water within the allocated time frame. Probably not the most economic use of electricity but who cares?! Live fast, drive fast, make tea fast. 

33. Have a 49-second brawl

I dunno, just seems like there are a lot of brawls going on out there. 

32. Say ‘where did you go to school’ as many times as you can

This is going to sound made up, but I just tried this and managed it exactly… 49 times. I have chills. I didn’t go to school here.

31. Slide down one of the new Hanmer Springs hydroslides

Look it’s an additional 90-minute drive either way, but you gotta make those extra seconds count. This is about efficiency, people. 

30. Solve a crime

Still wondering what was going on with all those freaky dead possums at the start of the year.  

29. Watch this Andrew Mehrtens video

Because he can-can-Canterbury-can-can
Of course he can, Canterbury

28. Do some road cone comedy

If you’re in Christchurch there’s likely a hot single road cone in your area, just begging to be used for just under a minute of improvised prop comedy. 

27. Send someone a compliment

“Hi there Simeon Brown, I am so impressed by the way you can definitely drive.” 

26. Listen to Tom DeLonge’s verse in ‘I Miss You’

Starting at 1.18 will get you nicely from Tom DeLonge’s “where aaooree yeeeww” all the way to the end of the chorus in 49 seconds. But still, never forgive and never forget

25. Solve a mini crossword

The average New York Times mini crossword is reported to take around one minute 30 to complete, but we saw someone on Reddit with a personal best of nine seconds. We formally invite that person to come to Christchurch and see how many crosswords they can complete in 49 seconds on the side of the southern motorway. 

24. Do a short meditation

Here’s one that someone named Lauren Ostrowski Fenton prepared earlier, which will leave you with nine seconds spare to ace the mini crossword. 

23. Have a whinge

Christchurch took out the title of whingiest city in the country last year, making more than 82,000 complaints on the app Snap, Send, Solve. Let’s keep the cup in Canterbury. 

22. Pull up some weeds

Spring has sprung! Set the timer and see how many of those suckers you can whip out in 49 seconds. This is the efficiency and productivity Brown dreams of at night. 

21. Plant some seeds

Spring has sprung! Set the timer and see how many of those suckers you can get in the ground in 49 seconds. This is the efficiency and productivity Brown dreams of at night. 

20. Steal a flower

Spring has sprung! Set the timer and see how many flowers you can steal from the Botans to resell/rebuild the economy with. This is the efficiency and productivity Brown dreams of at night. (Please don’t do this.) 

19. Wash your hands

Remember when we all got really into washing our hands really well for a while there? What happened to us?

18. Delete some photos

You simply don’t need that many pictures of you folding up your hair to imitate a fringe.  

17. Process the Electric Avenue lineup

Lot of combinations of words I’ve never seen before in there. 

16. Empty a bin

Could be digital, could be analog, you’ll know what you need. 

15. Live

Self-explanatory.

14. Laugh

Self-explanatory.

13. Love

Self-explanatory.

12. Clean your glasses properly

This is actually just becoming a to-do list for me.

11. Watch this great TikTok

Of a guy doing the country’s longest Uber Eats delivery by picking up Bobby’s famous fried chicken in Aranui, and flying it all the way Auckland: 

View post on TikTok

10. Read one page of a book

Could be Gary McCormick’s Millennium Man, could be Dan Carter’s My Story, could be the first page of this interesting bit of literature

9. Make a microwave mug cake

OK, this might go slightly over the 49-second mark so you’ll have to make the time back elsewhere in your day. We suggest maximising efficiency by flushing your breakfast smoothie straight down the toilet every morning. 

8. Ride the tram

But only from roughly the Nespresso Shop to Kathmandu and NO FURTHER. 

7. Place a quick online order from New World St Martins

It’s one of the most expensive supermarkets in the country, but it’s the best we’ve got

New World St Martins (Image: Archi Banal)

6. Look at an object 20 metres away for 20 seconds

We should all be doing this much more and there is simply no better time to start than while controlling a giant metal machine weighing 2,000kg and travelling at 110km/h. 

5. Work on breaking the Guinness World Record for most ping pong balls bounced against wall with mouth

View post on TikTok

Current record? 47 balls in 30 seconds. You can-can-do this Canterbury. 

4. Say a prayer

Worth a shot. 

3. Make a wish

Worth a shot. 

2. Hold out hope

Worth a shot. 

1. Partake in the public consultation process, open until October 1

Worth a shot. 

Keep going!
A cat may look at a king. (Image: The Spinoff)
A cat may look at a king. (Image: The Spinoff)

SocietySeptember 5, 2024

Help Me Hera: I want to ask out my cat’s vet. Is that wrong?

A cat may look at a king. (Image: The Spinoff)
A cat may look at a king. (Image: The Spinoff)

Normally I would never ask someone out at their job. But I think she might be the most perfect person ever to exist. Help!

Help Me Hera is brought to you by Bumble, the women-first dating app that started a movement by putting women in charge when dating.

Want Hera’s help? Email your problem to helpme@thespinoff.co.nz


Dear Hera,

This is a hilariously stupid problem, but I have the BIGGEST crush on my cat’s vet. My cat has a recurring medical issue so I’ve been to see her a few times in the last couple of months, and I get so flustered every time. 

I know it’s not cool to hit on people at work and I really don’t wanna be a creep. But I think there’s a slight possibility that she might be into me as well. She’s extremely friendly and complimented all my tattoos, and has even gone on random tangents about pretty personal stuff, including how she shares custody of her dog with an ex-girlfriend, so I know she’s gay. But I’m traditionally horrible at knowing when people are flirting with me, and I could be misreading the situation. 

Normally I would never even consider asking out someone at their job. But I think she might be the most perfect and beautiful person ever to exist. Help!

Thanks in advance,

Crushing   

A line of dark blue card suit symbols – hearts, clubs, diamonds and spades

Dear Crushing, 

Thank you for this gorgeous and hilarious letter. 

Whether or not you can hit on someone at their place of employment is an extremely controversial subject. Many people would say absolutely not, under no circumstances, and I can kind of understand where they’re coming from. Anyone who has ever worked in a public-facing role has probably had at least a few extremely tedious encounters with someone who has confused a friendly customer service interaction with the precursor to a great love affair. 

In general, it’s wise to remember service workers are essentially being paid to be nice to you, and aren’t allowed to tell you to fuck off without putting their livelihoods at risk, so it’s not a great way to gauge someone’s potential romantic interest in you. 

On the other hand, as someone who has worked (and still works) in customer service, you often do meet really great people on the job. I’ve made a few friends over the post office counter. I think the growing realisation that we shouldn’t treat retail workers like a dating sim is fundamentally a good thing. But shooting the shit with strangers is a delightful and enriching part of life, and you can’t afford to be too precious. After all, a cat may look at a king. 

There are no hard and fast rules when it comes to dating. I find the idea that asking someone out at their job is inherently unethical a boring way to live. It’s also a fairly modern attitude. Ask any married person whose relationship predates the internet how they met their spouse, and you’re guaranteed to hear a few stories that would put hair on the modern, depilated chest. Before we had the apps, the world was rife with people propositioning their hairdressers and the department store clerk gift-wrapping your son’s model train. 

There are definitely some professions it’s more socially acceptable to hit on than others. It’s much creepier to ask out your regular massage therapist than the guy who works at the zoo gift shop. But you don’t have to go far to find examples of people who have beaten the odds and hooked up with their gynaecologist or children’s piano teacher. I’m of the opinion that you should be able to give your number to anyone, even Mr Whippy, if the chemistry is right. 

‘Hutt Valley, Kāpiti, down to the south coast. Our Wellington coverage is powered by members.’
Joel MacManus
— Wellington editor

In the spirit of sociological research, I looked for variations of this question on r/relationships and found a couple of very similar quandaries, with various vet nurse professionals weighing in in the comments. Some vets were strongly against the idea of being asked out at work. Other comments were full of charming anecdotes about vets who had met their future spouse after pumping the anal glands of a handsome stranger’s elderly bichon frise. With such mixed responses, I can only err on the side of romance. 

The problem with being overly prescriptive about dating rules is that it frightens off those with emotional intelligence, and does absolutely nothing to deter the serial offenders, who are unlikely to be put off by a stern advice column and will continue to hit on every midwife, arresting officer and 17-year-old exotic pet supply store clerk, happily unencumbered by the burden of self-reflection. 

Like most questions of dating etiquette, the real answer is to learn to read the room. And I think your “reading” suggests modest cause for hope. It’s impossible to tell whether your vet fancies you, or whether she’s just naturally gregarious. But her mentioning an ex-girlfriend tips the balance slightly in your favour. Maybe it was just a throwaway comment and not a lesbian bat signal. But it sounds like the two of you are on pretty good terms, and the way you describe your interactions makes me think she probably isn’t the kind of person to be mortally offended if you ask her out and it turns out she’s not interested. 

Of course, there’s no harm doing a little research. Can you tell anything about her relationship status from her social media profiles? Have you ever seen her on the dating apps? What if you narrow the search parameters to single gay vets in a five-mile radius? You could even wait until the next time you’re picking up your cat’s worming tablets, and throw out a few unsubtle references to an ex-girlfriend of your own. None of this is proof of concept, but it might help you to feel more confident in your approach. 

I agree that it’s usually bad form to hit on someone offering you a paid service. But I’m also a diehard romantic. If she secretly reciprocates your feelings, she’s currently more fettered by the situation than you, because if hitting on your vet is socially dubious, your vet hitting on you is a million times worse. So the half-chewed tennis ball is in your court here. 

If I were you, I would formulate a good exit strategy before going ahead. It probably goes without saying, but since it’s technically my job to say it, you need to be prepared to take any kind of rejection with extremely good grace. If it were me, I would probably consider pre-emptively switching vets for some allegedly innocuous reason that doesn’t reflect negatively on your vet’s talent, and take your last appointment as an opportunity to thank her for all the amazing work she’s done on your cat, Spiderman. Then, with appropriate humility, ask her out. If she says no, then neither of you have to suffer the embarrassment of ever seeing each other again. If she says yes, then please, for the love of god, send me an invitation to your wedding. 

If you were only casually interested in her, I’d advise you to give it a miss. But seeing as you have described her as “the most perfect and beautiful person ever to exist,” I can only throw up both hands and commend your soul to Cupid. 

Good luck! 

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