In a new series looking at relationships in New Zealand, a woman enjoys an ‘adventurous’ sex life with her partner of 26 years.
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Age: 44
Gender: Woman
Sexuality: Bisexual
Ethnicity: Malaysian
Religion: Agnostic
Occupation: Self-employed, tech-adjacent contractor
Length of relationship: 26 years
Children: Two – 18 and 15
How we met: At uni, I was dating one of his good mates and when we broke up he was meant to be my rebound sex, oops.
The best think about my relationship: We have an amazing communication style where we make sure we talk about everything whether it goes right or goes wrong. We have discovered ethical non-monogamy after nearly 20 years together (so we started doing it six-eight years ago) and it’s been the most fun and most exciting part of what we do together.
A problem we can’t seem to resolve: Cheese alert: I can’t think of any right now, we have it pretty awesome.
This is how we share/separate our finances: We each have a smol bank account we keep separate and then various work accounts we work on together. His company is GST registered and a proper company and I had that before my last full-time gig but I can’t be bothered starting it all again, so I contract as if I’m one of his contractors even though the mahi I do doesn’t really match what his company does. It works fine because it is tech adjacent and I can then claim GST etc.
This is how we split chores and childcare: We have really found a rhythm that works based on what we are good at. So for example, he does all the laundry and I put away all the laundry. There is good-natured complaining on both sides but it gets done. He does all the cooking (to save us all from food poisoning and terrible food) but I help with all the cleaning alongside our 15-year-old. The 18-year-old lives in a flat in a different city. We do cleaning together across the house, but he is pickier than me.
Out sex life in three words: Amazing, wild, adventurous.
The thing that makes me a good partner: I try to really be aware of my shortcomings and work on them actively.
The thing I need to work on to be a better partner: See previous note, it’s all the same.
What I most appreciate in my partner: He is really attentive and always tries to find solutions – which is sometimes not what I need but then in the end, I realise it is what I need.
What I most resent in my relationship: Again, cheese alert, nothing, it’s all great right now.
The thing that has changed the most about my relationship over time: The non-monogamy thing. We worked through the early stages of being really possessive to learning to share.
It would surprise people to know this about my relationship: See previous answers, most of our vanilla friends don’t know. To be fair, we have fewer and fewer vanilla friends.
Our last big fight was about: So many years ago. I was doing a lot of things work-wise that took me away from home and then chose to do an optional workshop/weekend away thing. And he felt personally attacked that I decided to go do a thing instead of staying at home and doing stuff here. We worked through those feelings and realised that it was building up and have since built in specific times that are definitely family times.
If I hadn’t met my partner: I think about this a lot when I am away for work in a one-bedroom or studio Airbnb eating Uber Eats or terrible takeaways and feeling sad and alone. We work so well together that I would genuinely be lost.
I expect my relationship to last until: One of us dies – hopefully me.
My relationship advice is: Communicate, communicate, communicate – it is so, so important to talk things out especially when they go wrong, but also when they go right. Debrief, work on a list of things we will do next time and keep it live.
