Do they all hate me? Or am I just a narcissist?

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Dear Hera,

This is deeply embarrassing to even put into words, but most of my closest friends haven’t subscribed to my blog and it’s making me sad/mad/paranoid/weird.

This year I set up a blog as a space for me to write more often, something I have been out of the habit of for a while because of my work life being so busy. The friends that do read my blog say lovely things about it, and I feel pretty proud of what I’m writing. But four or five of my closest friends haven’t been reading my writing and haven’t mentioned it to me at all. I’ve even brought it up in front of two of those friends and they moved on without acknowledging it.

Am I doing something deeply cringe or heinous and not realising it? Are my friends sick of me? Or is it possible everyone is burnt out from looking at their phone and just can’t be bothered? I don’t know what it is but wondering is driving me mad, and yet I am also not insane enough to outright contact my friends and ask them why they haven’t subscribed. I feel like even worrying about it possibly makes me a narcissist. As a writer and a worrier yourself, I’m hoping you have advice. Help! 

Unread

Dear Unread,

First of all, congratulations on starting a blog! I think having a public outlet for your writing practice is a great way of honing your craft and getting used to the small indignities and humiliations that come with sharing your unsolicited thoughts with the world.

Leaving aside the possibility that all writers have some form of personality disorder, I don’t think you are a psycho or narcissist. I think if you have the compulsion to write, it usually means you feel a strong desire to communicate with other people, and for whatever reason prefer to do it in a torturous and antiquated way, instead of just picking up the telephone. No wonder it hurts so much when your closest friends don’t read your blog – it must feel like a digital variation of the silent treatment. However, I do think this is something you really shouldn’t take personally!

Now, the bitter pill. 

Not only will people not read your blog, people will probably not read your book, should you ever write one. Most people do not read anything at all, even a normal length article. This might seem depressing, but if you want to become a writer you have to accept that 94% of people would prefer to watch the Netflix adaptation of the bestselling thriller you haven’t written yet. 

In my long experience as a bookseller and librarian, there are two types of serious readers. Old ladies who love atmospheric crime books set on remote Scottish Islands (me) and mouth-breathing fantasy diehards (also me). Obviously this is an exaggeration. There is a genuine audience out there for well-written contemporary fiction, and a few serious intellectuals still dosing themselves with Steinbeck like a daily fibre supplement. And let’s not forget the TikTok girlies who are keeping the ice hockey romance genre alive. But overall, the statistics are grim. Do you know how many copies you have to sell to get on the New Zealand bestseller list? The number is hysterically low.

Even the people who do buy your book may never read it, and will simply cheerfully pretend they have in order to keep the peace (god bless them.

Some reasons why people will not read your writing:

• Reading, to them, is homework. 
• Substacks or blogrolls are emails, and people hate getting emails. 
• People are genuinely very busy. 
• They are worried they won’t like it and are neglecting to read it as a roundabout way of protecting your relationship.
• They think all personal writing is embarrassing, and are not reading it out of a misguided sense of politeness. 
• They already dedicate all of their precious reading time to crime novels set on remote Scottish islands. 

I think if you are the sort of person who loves reading other people’s work, it might seem bewildering that your friends aren’t more interested in your project. After all, writing is just gossip, and people love gossip. Surely the least they could do is subscribe? 

I agree this would be the most polite course of action. But I think that many people will see writing as a hobby, and if the tables were turned, nobody would expect you to be interested in their new wakeboarding/felting obsession. That doesn’t mean they’re not supportive, in a vague sort of way. But they may just view your blog as a slightly more literary version of the annual Christmas newsletter, and prefer to get the news from you in person. 

What this doesn’t mean: 

• The people who don’t read your blog don’t love you, or aren’t interested in what you have to say. 
• You’re publicly humiliating yourself. 
• Your writing is not of high quality or literary merit. 

Right now, I have subscriptions to at least 20 different literary Substacks. Every day my inbox is flooded with emails from Booker Prize winning authors and literary geniuses of the 21st century, many of whom have written books which are profoundly important to me, and have changed my life. How many of these emails do I actually read? Almost zero. It’s not because the writing is boring. I enjoy getting these emails, and sending them happily on their way to the great paper shredder in the sky. It’s just that I have limited time on this earth, and will only bother if I’m particularly interested in the subject under advisement. The only two Substacks I read every word of are Kim’s and Maddie’s and that’s because the subjects (food and books; relationships in the digital age) are of particular interest to me. I used to enjoy Elizabeth Strout’s newsletter, which was all about eavesdropping on people at the park, but she’s evidently got better things to do with her life.

I think this is how most people read these days – by subject rather than by author, even if the author is one of their favourite people in the world. It may make you feel better to remember that even Dolly Parton’s husband doesn’t listen to her music. Nobody I know in real life ever reads this column beside my mother (hi mum, love you! 💋) – or at least they have the good manners to pretend they don’t, and for that I’m profoundly grateful. 

I know this sounds discouraging. But the important thing to remember is you’re not writing for the people you love the most in the world. They will love you anyway, and that’s beautiful. You’re writing for the people who are interested in your writing. This, in the end, is the only audience that actually matters. You don’t want people reading your work out of a sense of social obligation. 

Write for the people who have never met you, but will buy every crime novel set on a remote Scottish island you ever write, because they have a profound enthusiasm for your work. Someone reading everything you write despite never having met you is the highest compliment you can be paid. This is the high you should be chasing. It may seem impersonal, but all readers know first-hand how powerful and moving these anonymous connections truly are. Being dead, Wodehouse will never know how much I worship him, but I would happily have lent him any one of my lesser vital organs if it meant I got a few extra Jeeves books out of the bargain. Personally, I find this invisible relationship intensely moving and deeply motivational. 

I also think knowing your grandparents are too busy tending to their dahlias to read your newest post on the male loneliness epidemic can free you up to be a lot more honest, and will allow you to make better, more interesting work

Obviously if you’re just starting out, it can take a while to build up that audience and really feel like your work is reaching people. But even having a few friends who love what you’re writing is an amazing start! If I were you, I’d keep promoting my blog posts on various social media apps, with a little excerpt each time, so friends who have forgotten to sign up will be reminded to take a look. But don’t be too hard on your friends. We all have a limited amount of attention to pay, and some people just really hate emails. Keep writing, and trust that you will eventually find your audience!