I’ve already broken most of my resolutions, and it’s only January. How do I salvage my clean slate?

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Dear Hera,

It’s only 6 days into the new year, and I’m already ready for 2026. I made five resolutions and have already broken all but one of them. I resolved to improve my relationship with my sister, and we’ve already had a catastrophic fight. I resolved to read one book a week, but so far I haven’t turned a single page. I resolved to stop smoking, and I literally only lasted 3 hours. I went out for a “run” and ended up throwing up in the Pt Chev bushes and having to catch the bus back home (I probably shouldn’t run hungover lol). It’s kind of funny, but I also feel pretty disappointed in myself. The only resolution I haven’t already messed up is to get my restricted, but I haven’t exactly done anything constructive about it. I can’t help but feel that 2025 is cursed. Should I start over? Or should I give it up and wait for 2026.

Grubby Slate

Dear Grubby,

On the face of it, it seems like bad planning to put the first day of the new year directly after the last night of the previous year. New Year’s Day is all about lofty ideals and fresh starts. Which would be fine, if New Year’s Eve wasn’t about getting accidentally wasted and having a panic attack on a balcony. Nobody wants to ring in a new year haggard and stupefied, repenting for their crimes of the previous evening. On the other hand, there’s something undeniably jolly about the tradition of intentionally fucking it all up before you’ve even started. A little check on your grand ambitions of the year ahead. I spent new years day catatonic with sunburn, watching all three Lord of the Rings movies accidentally out of order. 

I think we should take a leaf out of the page of the Maya calendar. They had a short, five-day month at the end of the solar year called Wayeb – a “time out of time” during which the boundaries between the living and the dead were thin, and the potential for misfortune and tragedy was high. People stayed home, performed rituals and didn’t wash or comb their hair. Not only were these five days mathematically essential, to keep the various sub-calendars in astronomical alignment, they also sound like a perfect January. 

January is the first pancake. It’s for the dogs. Take a fortnight off, and wait for the Lunar New Year on the 29th, Year of the Snake. That should give you a little bit of time to workshop your resolutions. 

One of the problems with new year resolutions is the word resolutions. It sounds so judicial. New year wishes sounds better. But can you new year wish to stop smoking? Whatever you call them – intentions, aspirations – maybe it’s better to think of them as something to earnestly work towards, rather than something you can break. In a perfect world, the clock would tick over from December to January, and you would never light a ciggie again. But it’s already too late to have never smoked in 2025, and it doesn’t really matter. Let’s not say the Titanic hit an iceberg and the watertight bulkheads are gravely damaged. Let’s say the Titanic is poised on the brink of history, laying the groundwork which will eventually win James Cameron his first Academy Award. You haven’t broken your resolution to quit smoking. You are constructively working towards your new year wish of not being a smoker. Now get a prescription for some nicotine patches and let’s move on. 

As for the other resolutions, you know what they say, don’t run before you can run. Have you ever thought about speed walking? You could even do it with an audiobook. That’s two resolutions for the price of one. Then call your sister and apologise for whatever it was you said. 

My second piece of advice is to add some fun resolutions to your list. There’s nothing wrong with having an exacting and puritanical set of goals to fail to aspire to, but maybe you should add a hobby class or a famous walk or something enjoyable and low effort you can’t automatically fuck up in the first week. Maybe you could invite your sister along if you’re still talking. 

When you do fuck it up, don’t worry about it. It’s hard to change your life, and most people can only do it in increments. If you allow a little room for human error, it will be easier to get back on track, once the cigarette smoke has cleared. 

Best wishes, for the Year of the Snake.