We love to suffer through tramps to enjoy natural beauty… except when we don’t.

It can feel a bit shitty to stay inside and wallow all day when it’s nice out. Hot sunlight hits your window and your mum’s voice rings around in your head: get outside and enjoy the bloody nature! There’s only so much sand you can get in your crack, so at some point, we lace up our boots (or slap on some jandals) and head for the hills. We endure hours, even days, of gruelling tramping and come out the other side feeling accomplished and in love with a certain tree, bird or the way the sunlight hits a mountain. Unless of course, we don’t. 

These are collected thoughts from people who have tramped some of the best tracks in the country and then thought: “that was shit… I’m going to leave a bad Google review”.

Kauaeranga Kauri Trail (Pinnacles Walk)

The Kauaeranga Kauri Trail is so popular that the 80 berth hut is booked out most weekends through summer. Its crowning glory is the rocky outcrop (pinnacles) right at the tip of the mountain, from which normal people view the sunset and freaks view the sunrise. The track dates back to the 1920s, when it was used weekly by packhorses to take supplies to kauri loggers. Now, the rock steps remind you why The Lord of the Rings was filmed in New Zealand, and that people back in the day must have worked way harder and been way stronger than us office dwellers. My personal review? Gorgeous and romantic. Counterpoint:

Kepler Track

One of the Greats! In Fiordland National Park! Beautiful lake shorelines, tussock and podocarp forest! Big views over big mountains! Impressive limestone bluffs! Real life panoramas! A gorgeous gorge! 

Tongariro Alpine Crossing

This tramp is considered one of the top tramps in the WORLD, aka that rock in space most of us will never leave. The Tongariro Alpine Crossing takes many swooning trampers through a dramatic volcanic alpine landscape with steaming vents, glacial valleys, ancient lava flows, a red crater, the famous Ngā Rotopounamu / Emerald Lakes and Te Wai Whakaata o Te Rangihīroa / Blue Lake. It has magnificent views over Lake Rotoaira and Lake Taupō. The iconic track is located in our oldest national park which is a UNESCO World Heritage Site twice over. Hard to beat. 

Colonial Knob Scenic Reserve / Rangituhi

Don’t be put off by the name. The knob is a lovely hill behind Porirua which can be climbed in two hours. The best of the three tracks starts at the Broken Hill Road carpark and takes walkers through kohekohe forest and past the man-made lakes which once supplied water to Porirua Hospital. At the top of the 468 metre high knob, you can spy on Mt Taranaki, Waikanae, Kapiti island, Mana island, the South Island and … Porirua.

Ballroom Overhang Track

In the Paparoa National Park, a couple of hours up the Fox River on the South Island’s west coast, is a massive limestone overhang. It looks like Gaudi got lost in the bush and also discovered brutalism. Sublime! The natural shelter was carved by a bend in the river and forms a half dome partially sealed in by trees. It’s an adventurous path with multiple river crossings where you’re unlikely to see other trampers. The tramp is officially sanctioned by Wilderness Magazine deputy editor Leigh Hopkinsin as her favourite bush walk. But not all reviewers are so smitten.

Taranaki summit track

No one has ever said this is an easy track, and a cursory glance at the maunga will tell you much you need to know: it’s tall, steep, snowy and rocky. Best of all, it stands like a lonely nipple on an otherwise flat stretch of land, so the 360° view from the top is monumental. Mt Ruapehu, Mt Ngauruhoe and Tongariro are in the distance, beyond Whanganui National Park. To the east, the Tasman Sea dissolves into the horizon. The track is epic, climbing from forest into rocky ridges, loose scree slopes and finally a snowy mountain top. According to one reviewer, it’s “easily one of the worst summit hikes I’ve ever done”, and they’re not alone.

Rakiura Track

Way down on a little island that’s much the same as it was thousands of years ago, a three day tramp takes you from cove to cove and through thickets of bush. At night there’s plenty of screeching kiwi and at the right time of year, you can see the Southern Lights. Eleven months ago, One reviewer found the walk “spectacular” even though she didn’t see kiwi and rain “chucked down”. Others commented on the “untouched nature”, “beautiful beaches” and “magnificent trees”. At least one online ranking has the Rakiura Track in the top 10 globally. What’s not to love? Well…

Lake Waikaremoana

Pristine ancient rainforest, a rippling misty lake, views over a spectacular mountain range and waterfalls. The three day walk around Lake Waikaremoana is one of the country’s official Great Walks and generally considered beautiful. The lake is described as looking like “rough-cut emeralds” and its mists weave into the surrounding bush. Rare native plants like Dactylanthus, green and red mistletoes and ngutukākā set the scene for tui, bellbird, fantail, tomtit, kaka, kakariki, North Island robin, New Zealand falcon, rifleman, and at night, morepork and North Island brown kiwi. One visitor, who completed the walk five years ago and left a five star review, called it Heaven on Earth. “I will return !!!!!” they proclaimed. Others, as always, were less impressed.