For the latest episode of On the Rag, notorious prude Alex Casey enlisted the help of sex toy expert and pleasure therapist Teddy Curle. 

It sounds a bit like ingredients for an avant-garde stir-fry recipe. Cauliflower. Kūmara. A jar of Vegemite. But what it actually is, sex toy expert Teddy Curle tells me, is a list of things that frequently get stuck up people’s butts in New Zealand, and why we need to normalise talking about butt stuff so people can make safer choices. This is just one example of the very normal chit-chat you have when you are hosting a sex toy party – even more so when there are only two of you in attendance.

I have heaps of friends, I promise, they were just all busy that month. 

Sex toy parties are basically like your old-fashioned Tupperware parties, where an expert takes a group of curious, often tipsy, people on a comfortable, safe tour through their product range of pleasure. In the space of an hour, Teddy made sure that I was introduced to everything – butt plugs, vibrators, dildos, strap-ons, kegel balls, dental dams, cock rings, harnesses and something that looked a lot like a very intimate part of Hellboy’s nether-regions. 

Aside from being extremely giggly and fun, these parties serve an important purpose. The number of people buying sex toys in New Zealand has exploded thanks to online shopping, but the industry remains unregulated. Buying from international sites like Amazon and AliExpress means that cheap, toxic toys can easily end up in the wrong place. And by that I mean inside you. Teddy once put a bunch of cheap toys in a jar and was horrified to see them melt to form a horrible dildo hydra. 

After I had processed that, among the many other confronting images Teddy had put in front of me, we sat down to talk about what New Zealand can do to open up a bit more about sex. 

Okay, so is everyone using sex toys without me or what?

I think around 70% of people have used a sex toy at least once. It’s becoming much more culturally acceptable for people to have toys. It has historically been considered more of a thing for women, but male toys are definitely taking off. Things like the Fleshlight, masturbation sleeves, that sort of thing. I think that’s perfectly fine and healthy, so why not?

New Zealanders are also quite funny about sex. I mean, I definitely have wanted to leave the room on multiple occasions this afternoon. Why is that? 

We do have a slightly weird culture in that we are actually having a lot more sex than we are willing to talk about. Our attitudes towards having sex, being adventurous, and having lots of partners, are actually pretty progressive, but we don’t talk about it with anybody. What I find at my toy parties is that often people are finding out their best friend is doing all sorts of crazy things, but they’ve never spoken about it together. So it’s a very unique thing, where we do have this quite conservative culture but actually, deep down, we’re all freaks.

Where do you think that conservatism has come from? 

I would say it’s a colonial influence, to be perfectly honest. It’s the Britishness. We also don’t really have many voices in New Zealand that are advocates for sex positivity. We haven’t had as many radicals or revolutionaries as you might get in other countries and we don’t have our own version of Sex and The City. As terrible as some parts of Sex and The City were, it definitely normalised sexuality and women having sexuality and wanting sex. 

I feel like women in particular struggle to talk about pleasure, like somehow enjoying sex feels indulgent or guilty, you know what I mean? 

Think about what we currently get in our sex education – it’s all about reproduction. It’s not about pleasure, which [is] why we run into so many issues with consent. If we aren’t doing good, comprehensive sex education and talking about the purposes of sex that exist outside of having a child or not having a child, then people are unaware that pleasure is even part of sex for women. There are so many people who are surprised to find out that women can orgasm.

If you’ve been told right from birth that men want sex and women don’t, you are probably not going to be internalising the message that you can experience pleasure and that it’s a good thing. I’ve met so many women have so many more mental blocks to experiencing pleasure than men do. There’s a whole mental element not only accepting of their own pleasure, but of their own bodies and what that pleasure means as well. 

But basically, in this day and age, it’s 2019. We should all be having as many orgasms as we want to or don’t want to have. 

So what else can people like me do if they want to be more chill about sexy stuff? 

Just start talking about it. Go to a shop. Take your friend. Send a link. Start talking about it. I’m in a lot of anonymous Facebook groups where people ask sex questions and I’m telling you, the desire to speak about it is there. It’s just dropping the idea that nobody wants you to talk about it. We all do want to talk about it, we’re just worried other people don’t want to.

On the Rag is made with the support of NZ On Air

Watch episode one of On the Rag: ‘Periods’ here

Watch episode two of On the Rag: ‘Body hair’ here

Watch episode three of On the Rag: ‘Being Online’ here

Watch episode four of On the Rag: ‘Ageing’ here

Watch episode five of On the Rag: ‘Abortion’ here

Watch episode six of On the Rag: ‘Sex Positivity’ here

Some people go for a run to let off steam after work, while others try their hand at ballroom dancing or hit up a pub quiz. And some, as Greta Yeoman discovers, throw sharp objects at walls. She gives it a go.

An uncoordinated, anxious journalist with terrible aim is probably not the best candidate to go throwing axes in the name of entertainment. But that is where I found myself on Wednesday evening.

Wellington-based Sweet Axe Throwing Co had piqued my interest when an online event listing advertising “a social axe-throwing league” stumbled into my life.

There were people who go throwing axes at walls to let off steam? On a regular basis? In a custom-fit venue? On a weekday evening? Sober?

I could think of several less stress-inducing post-work entertainment options, but I had to see this for myself.

The 30-or-so members of the social league were crowding the door of Sweet Axe’s nondescript building just on the outskirts of Wellington CBD when my partner and I arrived to join another group of newbie axe-throwers.

Waiver signed, we stood back to take in the diverse range of axe-throwers (and one dog!) who came wandering through the doors.

There was no dress code, no requirements for giant beards or Swanddris – work wear, heeled boots, skirts and casual clothing were the norm. The only requirement was covered shoes, otherwise you’d have to rock the “gumboots of shame”.

Luckily, everyone had their sensible shoes on, so learning how to throw axes quickly got under way. Our tutor and Sweet Axe co-founder Lloyd Bombell was full of wit, and a surprising amount of understanding, as I became the sole member of the seven-member group to continue not to hit the wooden targets.

Bombell has been in the business of aiming axes for a few years now, having discovered the sport on a trip to Sydney and taken up an axe-throwing job there for a few years. He and partner/Sweet Axe co-founder Sarah Hilyard introduced the art of axe-throwing into Wellington just over a year ago, after travelling to New Zealand from their Australian home for a holiday and deciding to stay.

They decided to set up shop in the capital, where the popularity of the strange sport has seen them open another premises, in Auckland, earlier this year.

Axe-throwing, Bombell explains, was established as a backyard entertainment option by a group of Canadian mates. To their surprise, it took off, soon expanding into Europe, Australia and, eventually, New Zealand.

The axes aren’t heavy, just slightly daunting objects, as you place two hands on the handle and swing it (handle end toward your back, no injuries needed!) over your shoulder. Now the axe is sitting between your shoulder blades, you take a step back from the throw line and prepare your shot.

To throw an axe, Bombell tells us, you must lift it high above your head as you step forward, eyeing the target, leaning fully forward into your throw and then letting it soar. It will then, somehow (physics, I suppose), wheel through the air and hit the target with a CLUNK.

At least, that’s how it’s supposed to go. Bombell’s comment of “I can see you’re a bit nervous” may have been the understatement of 2019.

I was not actually that bad with the aim (surprisingly, as anyone who has played pool with me can attest), more so in that I was focused on remembering the order of instructions and silencing the voice in my head screaming “YOU HAVE AN AXE IN YOUR HAND, DON’T KILL ANYONE!”

At this point I was cursing my journalist brain for suggesting a “great story!” as I contemplated the dread of reporting to The Spinoff about how I had gone axe throwing and failed to throw any axes (properly).

My partner, on the other hand, had hit several bullseyes by this point and the remaining members of the group had also clearly got into the swing of things. They were even comfortably throwing axes one-handedly, and scoring bullseye hits, while I had yet to manage even a successful two-handed shot.

I’d refined parts of my technique – but not all in one go. Bombell moved me a step closer toward the target, in hopes it might be easier. 

This time. . . I hit the target.

I HIT THE TARGET.

Almost on the bullseye, actually.

The video of it shows a look of shock on my face. It’s quite wonderful.

Compared to the social leaguers (or “axe-perts”) down the other end of the building who were casually throwing axes right on the bullseye repetitively, entering their scores on a tablet to rank themselves against other players around the globe, I was near on useless.

I think I managed a total of four successful shots in the just-under-two-hour session, but considering I had gone in with the lowest of expectations, I felt like the queen of the world.

I won’t be signing up for the league any time soon, but throwing axes was surprisingly fun. Plus, nobody died, so basically it was a total success.