We’re deep in new year’s resolution season and the message is you should try to nail life. But how are we to fit self-improving activities into days already bloated with full-time jobs, dependents and dreary but essential life admin? Veronica Schmidt tried and it ended in calamity.
It’s too late, of course, but these days I can see the beauty in being average, in simply making it through each day in a world that demands we be and do so much.
But no-one’s peddling that message, are they?
This guy on Instagram said that if I just spent 10 minutes a day in an ice bath, I’d be a much more focused person. And there was the woman on YouTube who said if I did facial yoga and gua sha lymphatic drainage each evening, I’d look years younger. All the upbeat posts on LinkedIn said if I really wanted to kick my career up a gear, I needed to put time into networking and telling my personal brand story.
But it would be lazy of me to try to land what happened solely at the door of social media – the health professionals were at me too. The dentist said I really should be flossing, the gynaecologist advised me to do pelvic floor exercises, the physio set me a core strengthening regime, the GP said it was key for heart health that I fit aerobic exercise into each day.
Did I mention the school newsletter said learning begins at home and suggested three key things I could do every evening to assist my children’s education journey? The TV budget advisor said to split my weekly shop between all the different supermarkets to take advantage of specials, while my book club said if I formed the habit of reading for 10 minutes before turning out the light, I might actually show up to one of our meetings having finished a book.
Ten minutes. It was always 10 minutes. They all seemed to think I could be a better person in just 10 minutes a day – and last January I started to believe them. I suppose it was the always-on message that being myself wasn’t enough combined with new year’s resolution season that finally overwhelmed my defences. I decided to follow the advice – all the glorious advice – and improve my life.
January
It all changes now. I’m in the driver’s seat and 2025 is going to be my year. I’ll get fit, I’ll get zen, I’ll do more than just sign up to and then abandon Duolingo — I’ll use it religiously and finally learn Spanish.
February
The world is awash with good advice and I am open to receiving it. No, not just receiving it, acting on it! I’m doing HIIT workouts, layering facial serums and gentle parenting. I’m making green smoothies, meditating and meal planning. I’m fibre maxing, aggressively flossing and tracking my spending. Oh, and I’m on a 45-day Duolingo streak.
March
I’m not going to be coy – why should I? – I’ve never looked or felt better. I’ve never been more informed, more present, more jacked. I’ve never had better gum health.
And this is only the start. The ideas keep coming at me, from websites, radio and TV, from social media, product packages and ads. They even come from elderly strangers who had young children themselves once and approach me to share how I could improve my parenting. So many generous people who want to see me reach my full potential!
April
I used to think I multi-tasked, but now I look back and realise most of the time I was merely dual-tasking. So wasteful to do only two things at once when there is so much marrow to suck from life’s bones.
Out of necessity, I’m now genuinely multi-tasking. Having adopted all these life-changing habits, I must do many at once to fit them all into my day.
For instance, I am dictating this diary entry to Siri, while in warrior pose, wearing an LED face mask, as I read with my daughter while waiting at the checkout in one of the three supermarkets I’ll visit today to take advantage of different specials.
May
Ole! Incredible what 10 minutes a day will do for your pelvic floor. My vagina can now lift a 24kg kettle ball.
June
I’ll be honest: I started having some doubts. Even multi-tasking, I was struggling to fit all my self-improving habits into my day. Most really do only take 10 minutes, however if you start with 24 hours, then subtract ten hours of work (including commute), eight hours of sleep, and four hours of childcare, cooking and chores, that leaves only two hours to improve. Take off 10 minutes each for delts, quads, calves, core, triceps, biceps and glutes, and I simply could not fit all the 10-minute hacks I’ve been told would change my life into the one hour left each day.
But then I watched this guy on TikTok. He said if I wanted to change my life I had to stop making excuses and decide change was my priority. That’s when it hit me: I’d been prioritising the wrong things – family, work and sleep! I immediately cut down the time I was wasting on them and suddenly I had so many more ten-minute slots to become a better person.
July
My boss sent me an invitation to a meeting. Kind of her to say I could bring a support person.
“I’ve noticed you’re getting to work late and leaving early,” she says.
“Oh right,” I say. “The thing is, I’ve been incorporating some healthy lifestyle changes into my mornings and afternoons. In fact, you’re a woman of a certain age, can I share a little tip regarding your pelvic floor?”
“No,” she says.
“Well, look, while I’m not in the office as much, these lifestyle changes mean I’m far more present and productive when I am here.”
“You were here for 90 minutes yesterday,” she says.
August
I’m in my wheelie bin, which I’ve converted to an ice bath, doing my 10 minutes of temperature therapy when my husband approaches. He says he hasn’t seen me in weeks and do I even sleep anymore? I say, ¿qué? He says this can’t continue, that he preferred me when I had concave biceps and a cynical attitude.
I say, I think we just need to spend 10 minutes a day working on our relationship. I slide an icy finger across the phone screen and scroll through my calendar. I shift a breathwork practice forward and a pecs session back and create a space to really focus on my marriage. “I have a slot at 3.40am,” I yell triumphantly, but his defeated silhouette is disappearing into the distance.
September
There is no longer time to sleep. I was still getting 10 minutes from 4.30am, but after I added micro-needling to my skincare routine, the 24-hour period reached capacity.
October
New advice is still coming at me. There are so many things I must do to be a successful human. I have started tracking my macros, reading the classics, exfoliating my lips. I am dry brushing my thighs, preserving lemons, journalling. But the thing is, I’m in negative time. I have started borrowing time from tomorrow, and that means I must borrow more from the day after that. The knock-on effect gathers pace with every passing day; it’s exponential, frightening. I’m in a deep time deficit, or am I living in the future? Why can’t I feel my feet?
November
December
I’ve been discharged from the hospital. They say the psychosis was induced by sleep deprivation. I headed home but my key no longer fit in the lock, and when I went to the office, my swipe card wouldn’t open the door.
I was feeling shocked, scared and despondent, but then I spent 10 minutes reframing my thoughts and now I can see it’s quite cosy here on this park bench.
