You might say the best way not to be an arsehole is to avoid leaving any notes on cars, but if you must, here’s the etiquette.

A fun fact that never fails to make me laugh is that something like 90% of drivers believe they’re in the top 5% of drivers. And everyone thinks everyone else sucks at driving. This will never change and no one will ever truly have an accurate read on where they sit in the driving/parking hierarchy. But there are ways to address poor performance that don’t involve resorting to horrible, racist, or worst, cringe behaviour.

What gives me the authority to dictate when and how parking notes should be issued? Nothing, so I’m exactly like all of you. My credentials are a love of rules and etiquette and a brief low period of little sleep in 2019 where I became the parking vigilante of one Morningside street corner after months of looking out the office window and seeing the neighbour cafe patrons blocking the footpath with their cars.

Why today? Because today I saw the below note, left on the car of a brand new Ponsonby resident. That resident had parked on the berm outside their own house while they waited for their resident parking permits to arrive. Everything about the note is horrible: the fact that it’s typed (suggests premeditation, probably multiple drafts, and the possession of a LaserJet home printer); the out-the-gate racism for no apparent reason (the note was left on a landscaping van, so I can only assume that these heroes connected vans with brown people with South and East Auckland); the full A4 size (get some scissors, you losers).

In the interests of not making matters even worse than a poorly-parked car, here’s a few quick tips on how to leave a note on a car that won’t see you shamed on the internet.

What not to do unless there’s an emergency

• Call the police
• Damage their car

When to leave a note

There are actually very few instances where a note may be required, and often a number of factors must line up. They are:

• If a person’s parking has infringed on your personal space (meaning blocking your driveway/park or preventing you from exiting your vehicle safely).
• If a person has consistently parked in a way that makes it unsafe for others (parking illegally near an intersection and blocking the view of oncoming traffic; parking over footpaths so those using wheelchairs/mobility scooters/prams cannot get by).
• That’s it.

When not to leave a note

• When someone has parked on their own property. It’s their property! I would count the berm directly outside someone’s property to be their property in regards to whether or not it’s any of your business if they park there.
• If the park is bad simply for being bad. Some people can’t parallel park. Maybe it’s a bit annoying and maybe another car could’ve fit if they’d parked better, but that’s not actually your problem.
• If someone has parked poorly, or even illegally, in an area you neither live nor frequent. Crazed behaviour to just leave a note on someone’s car while out for coffee or something.
• More broadly, if someone’s parking is not unsafe or personally infringing on your life, don’t worry about it!
• If you’re racist. You’ve got bigger things to be working on than strangers’ parking.

If you simply must leave a note…

• Handwrite it. If you’re typing up a note and printing it, go directly to jail because it’s clearly not that urgent. And a printed note gives serial killer vibes to boot.
• This is up to taste, but I think a friendly “hi there” or “hi!” goes a long way.
• State the offence as plainly as possible. “You’ve parked over my driveway” or “you’ve blocked me in” is much more effective than “you’re a shit driver, you piece of shit”.
• A “thanks!” (exclamation optional) to end is nice.
• Keep it short. Think about what you’d say if you actually spoke to the driver. Knowing New Zealanders, we’d probably all apologise to them and ask if they wouldn’t mind please moving forward a bit. No need to turn that polite verbal request into an angry diatribe in writing.

If you’ve ever received a note on your window, you’ll know it’s quite an unnerving experience. It feels like you’re being watched – you’ve absolutely been perceived by a stranger. The existence of a note does half the work. But the only thing that will erase the “warning” of a bad parking note is if the note is unnecessarily aggressive, offensive or just unpleasant. All that does is make another driver angry, often as they’re about to join their fellow citizens on the road.

And whatever you do, don’t say: “This is Ponsonby, not Glen Innes or Mangere.” Embarrassing!