It’s the most important day of someone else’s life. Here’s how not to fuck it up.

There is no greater honour in life than being invited to someone’s wedding. Canapes. Heartfelt speeches. Outfits. Intergenerational dancing. Declarations of undying love. There is nothing, in my opinion, not to like.  

In our secular society, weddings are increasingly rare. They also come with a lot of unspoken social expectations. If you haven’t been to a wedding before, here’s how to do it like a pro. 

Read the invitation carefully

Most modern wedding invitations will come with some kind of instructions. Many couples even have a website, with an FAQ that includes details about transport, wedding attire, gift registries and special requests. Make sure you read this! You don’t want to be the one person who shows up to the wedding in a black tuxedo when the hosts have clearly specified Hawaiian-shirt casual.

Should you attend?

It’s a huge honour to be invited to someone else’s wedding. If you care about the couple getting married, I think it’s absolutely worth making the effort, with a few important caveats. 

Are you secretly in love with the groom, like Julia Roberts, in My Best Friend’s Wedding? Stay away. 

Dealing with extenuating personal circumstances beyond your control, like a sick parent or an already booked international holiday with nonrefundable plane tickets? Nobody will hold it against you. 

Your friends have invited you to an expensive destination wedding in the Maldives you have absolutely no way of affording? You are completely within your rights to give it a miss. Attending destination weddings is not an obligation, and the engaged couple should be gracious and understanding. It’s fine to send a heartfelt card instead.

Plus ones

If you have been offered a plus one – good for you, you sly old dog! It’s nice to have a date for a wedding. If you’re not planning to use your plus one, it’s polite to let the hosts know ASAP, as they may want to offer the extra spot to a lesser relative. 

If your invitation does not include a plus one, PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR ONE. Weddings are expensive. Not everyone can afford an extra buttered lobster for their cousin’s new girlfriend. Ultimately it’s up to the people getting married to decide who they want there. Absolutely do not, under any circumstances, rock up with someone who hasn’t been invited. If an invitation says “no children” it means no children, even if your gifted son Thurston is an accomplished conversationalist. 

RSVP

This doesn’t mean texting the bride’s sister to say you’re thinking of going. You need to formally RSVP as promptly as possible. Don’t leave it till the last minute, or say you can’t come and then change your mind. Planning a guest list is one of the most stressful parts of a wedding. 

Outfits

Some weddings are more relaxed than others. There’s a big difference between attending a family wedding at an orthodox church and being invited to your avant-garde friend’s spontaneous picnic nuptials. If the couple hasn’t sent any instructions about dress code or vibe, it’s always safer to opt on the side of formality. You never know whose terrifyingly religious grandparents might be there. 

If there is no specified dress code, you should plan a modest and formal outfit. No shirt, no shoes, no service. Definitely no baseball caps. Nothing overtly sexual, or bizzarely attention-seeking. Unless there’s a specific colour scheme, you should never wear white, or anything white adjacent. If you’ve never been to a wedding and you are worried about getting it wrong, get help from someone over the age of 40. A good rule of thumb is: would the outfit I’m planning to wear in any way spoil or detract from the wedding photos? A lovely midlength dress with a pattern of blue flowers? Fine. A black taffeta evening gown with a spiderweb fascinator? Not unless Tim Burton’s the one getting hitched. 

Formal doesn’t mean uncomfortable. Weddings are long. Choose footwear you’re comfortable standing in for long periods, and that ideally you can dance in without spraining an ankle. True wedding buffs may choose to bring a spare pair of dancing slippers. 

Bring something warm. Outdoor receptions get cold quickly, and a beaded shawl might not be adequate. 

Gifts

Unless the invitation says “no gifts” it’s polite to bring something within your price range. Many couples have a wedding registry. Unless every item is a $3,000 Le Cruset salad spinner, it’s best to use the registry or donate cash. You can disregard the registry if you’re extremely confident, but please be sensible: It’s unlikely the couple needs a third toaster or a bust of Marcus Aurelius. Attach a card to the gift so they know who it’s from. If the invitation says “no gifts” you should also respect that request. Not everyone wants to start their new life with 20 pairs of designer oven mitts. 

Arriving 

You will need to arrive on time. And make sure you know how you’re getting home. Don’t play it by ear, especially if the wedding is at a rural racecourse. Again, read the invitation. Most weddings have instructions about transport, and occasionally even a chartered bus! 

Phone

Turn your phone off! Or at least have it on silent. If it rings during the vows, that’s seven years of romantic bad luck for you. 

There’s no hard and fast rule about photos, but in general, I would advise against taking lots of pictures. Most couples hire a professional photographer for a reason. You’re there to enjoy the day, not to blow up Instagram stories. I think it’s OK to take a few candid snaps of friends during the reception, but definitely don’t record the ceremony unless you have explicit permission, and make sure you stay out of the way of professional photographers.  

Don’t share any wedding pictures online, unless you have explicit permission. And definitely not until after the wedding. If you have a few nice candid snaps, you can reach out later to share them with the newlyweds. But give them a couple of weeks to relax first. 

In short: try and put your phone down for a few hours and enjoy yourself. 

Speeches

Do not make a speech unless you have been specifically asked by the bride or groom to make a speech. Seriously. Just don’t do it. 

If you have been tasked with making a speech, this is a big honour and a big responsibility. Here are some hot tips: 

Do not: 

• Get Chat GPT to write your speech.
• Open your speech with the definition of marriage.
• Say anything hideously embarrassing about the bride or groom. That includes: stories of sexual misadventure, anecdotes about ex-partners, illegal behaviours, sexual innuendo, or anything that would be considered embarrassing or controversial. Don’t express any misgivings about the potential longevity of the marriage. Don’t mention the time your mate Brent shat himself during a magic show in Las Vegas. In short, don’t use this opportunity to humiliate someone in front of their friends and family, on what ought to be a beautiful and romantic day. You aren’t Ricky Gervais and this isn’t The Royal Albert Hall. 

Do:

• Keep it short and sincere. 
• Practice your speech beforehand.
• Have your speech written out in full. Or at least bring detailed notes. Do not, under any circumstances, “wing it.” 

Assigned seating

If you have been assigned a seat during dinner, stay in it! Don’t rearrange the name placards because you don’t want to sit next to Melissa. Seating charts are a fragile and complicated ecosystem, and messing with the place settings is only going to enrage and confuse the poor caterers, and cause an uncle with a nut allergy to go into anaphylactic shock. 

Drink responsibly

This is possibly the most important tip on this list. Weddings, like New Year’s Eve, should be treated with extreme caution. The emotional weight of the occasion, combined with social anxiety and an open bar, can be a recipe for disaster. The absolute last thing you want to do is have too many glasses of rosé, pass out in the toilets, have an explosive argument, or shit directly on the bathroom floor. The shame will haunt you forever. Make sure you have plenty of water and set yourself a drink limit. 

General Don’ts: 

Don’t make it about you. Your ex, whom you hate, is there? Pick literally any other day to make a scene. 

Don’t try to join the wedding band. This isn’t Singstar. Nobody wants to hear your Bruce Springsteen impression. 

Don’t complain about any aspect of the wedding to the bride or groom. The last thing they need to hear is that your salmon was undercooked.

Don’t propose to your girlfriend, or announce a pregnancy. I have no idea why people do this, but apparently it’s a thing. Proposing at a wedding is like having sex in a maternity ward. Pick another time and place, you miserable cheapskate. 

Don’t make ribald uncle jokes, even if you’re a ribald uncle. Nobody wants some whiskery loon making crass insinuations about the wedding night. If you have to tell any kind of joke, stick with: “Why is a horse like a wedding? Because they both need a groom.” Unless, of course, you’re at a lesbian wedding. Then you can say, “Because horses are beautiful, and so is celebrating the love between two women.” 

Do:

Help out. Uncle Barry having a spot of angina? Get him a glass of water and seek medical advice. Tablecloth on fire? Put it out. The most recent wedding I attended was derailed by a sick baby pigeon flopping around on the grass. Luckily one of the wedding guests ran a bird sanctuary, and spent the entire evening with a pigeon in her purse, feeding it liquid with an eyedropper. There are angels everywhere. 

Dance. Go on. Have a crack. It’s a wedding. Nobody cares how you look. 

Talk to strangers and great aunts. Flirt a little. Compliment the bride and groom on their astonishing good looks. 

Have a lovely time 🙂