Alex Casey delivers her sixth power rankings for The Bachelorette NZ, where the gloves – and all the other clothes – have truly come off. Click here for previous instalments.
Three weeks in and the stark difference between Lesina and Lily has become clear:
Speaking of stark, how much bloody nudity was there on the show this week?! No nudity before marriage! No nudity before 10 years of marriage!!! “I want to see how they handle nipples,” Lily said as she lured the men into their life drawing group date. Marc was so inspired that he decided to give it a go himself, putting the cock into cocktail party.
What else happened? Well, there was the great Amazing Race-style single date that saw them romping around the city with GoPros, something called the fruit and vegetable olympics which involved seeing who could eat an apple the fastest, and a very skilful walk and talk and EAT from Lesina. Truly a triple threat. Aaron Sorkin could never.
I’d also like to draw attention to a dangerous epidemic which appears to be sweeping the Bachelor cohort. ART HAS CAUGHT THE MOLE BROW NOW?! HOW NOW MOLE BROW!!!
It’s too bad that Conor was sent home just as he opened up about his rabbit called Marshmallow and befriended a local cat named Goosey. Very grateful for his Doctor Doolittle energy, wish him all the best in finding a vaccination for always being on the cusp of defecating.
Flynn was nervous about having had “poo-all” time with Lily, which was quickly remedied with their single date treasure hunt around Buenos Aires. Unfortunately it wasn’t enough to keep the young model in the competition, and he was on a plane home in poo-all time.
ELIMINATED: Mr Wedge
No idea why Mr Wedge got sent home when he was having such a chill one.
5) Magic Marc
Talk about peen central! Marc put the willy into Willy Wonka this week, and you got to give it up to the guy for getting his snozzberries out at the cocktail party. Seemed almost too keen to do it though?
Maybe it’s because they are waiting for the – ahem – smoke to clear, but we haven’t seen that much of Steve over the past two nights. Aside from his fancy, fancy, fancy feet, that is. Could this be Steve gunning for Dancing With the Stars 2020? I’d bet a pack of Dunhill switcheroos on it.
After bringing his hernia to Doctor Lesina’s attention, she attempted to “reduce” it live on camera which made me feel very very bad. Never mind Tavita’s protrusion though, it’s like Lesina doesn’t even care that she has a small Argentinian gnome growing out of her shoulder??
Tavita was plucked out for the treasure hunt date, which quickly turned into a fully-blown roast of Lesina at every turn. She loved it, I loved it, the spiritual leader of Argentina loved it.
But it wasn’t all fun and games. After opening up his legs in another award-winning manspread, Tavita also opened up his heart. He talked about his rough upbringing dealing with mental health problems in his family, and revealed there was much more beneath his jester persona.
If this week proved anything, it’s that the other men are really threatened by sweet, sensitive, dry-mouth Logan. Because he knows something they don’t about wooing a woman – bring her a bag of cheese, tell her she’s great, then leave her the fuck alone.
The library was ooooooopen for business this week, with Aaron going to town on all the other lads in his diary cam.
Unfortunately it backfired on him massively because Logan overheard everything and called him out on it at the cocktail party. Cue Aaron apologising and weeping more than his students learning to cut onions for the very first time. Poor guy. I still think he’s number one.
Liam tried to show his serious side during the life drawing class, which won him some precious one-on-one time with Lily that he promptly and elegantly squandered with this weird attempt at flirting.
He still got a rose, but it is safe to say that Lily is closely monitoring his levels of “douchebaggery”.
The vision of George slow-dancing with Conor was one of the best things I have seen on this show so far, but I fear that without another big mystery box move, his time will be up soon.
Someone could NOT handle the jandal at the nudie life drawing:
But at least Jesse has “finally decided he actually wants to be here,” which is nice for him. He did some slick interrupting to get time with Lily during the cocktail party, and went out of his way to learn how to say “do you like farts” in Spanish. Be still, my beating heart.
Who has two eyes, a perpetually open shirt, the beachy waves that I crave and a soft spot for Lily? THIS GUY.
Terence can see Lily fitting into his lifestyle in the future, except when he says “future” all I hear is “Thai jail” because these two would raise actual global hell together. Would watch that travel doco.
Quinn and Lily are loving the smoochy lalas, with their longest pash clocking in at 31 seconds at the cocktail party. How about a classic Kiwi Quinn Tripadvisor review?
The chances of Quinn being in the final are about as high as his never-ending quiff. See you next Wednesday.
The Spinoff Daily gets you all the day's best reading in one handy package, fresh to your inbox Monday-Friday at 5pm.