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TelevisionJanuary 15, 2018

The bleakest moments from the return of The AM Show

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Alex Casey checks in with the gang from The AM Show for their first show of the year. 

Awful. Hopeless. Horrible. These are just some of the words Duncan Garner used to describe his sleep last night, the eve before the return of The AM Show online, on radio, and on telly for 2018. Falling down the stairs at 5.59 this morning to watch the morning show – one which has a week’s head start on TVNZ’s revamped Breakfast – I can tell you that absolutely nothing has changed for the new year and I don’t really know why I did it.

Mfw realising huge mistake

There were plenty of newsy nuggets to chew on in the early morn: Jacinda Ardern stopped by to talk about medical marijuana, eradicating child poverty and the offensiveness of Donald Trump. Sporting a glorious new-year-new-me beard, James Shaw answered some hard questions about why the census will fail to recognise LGBTQIA+ communities this year. Regular audience member Colin Mathura-Jeffree sent in some fan mail praising Duncan Garner on his holiday glow.

But wait – there was so, so, so much more.

There was a woman who married a 300-year-old pirate ghost, a recap of Duncan Garner’s holiday haircut, and Mark Richardson desperately inquiring as to whether or not you can make a robot dog do a robot poo on command. Here are some of the other stellar quotes I mined from three hours of rich content, in descending order of bleakness.

“He’s crude, rude and racist” – Amanda Gillies

Jacinda Ardern condemned Trump for labelling African nations as ‘shithole’ countries, but avoided saying he was racist. Not Amanda Gillies though, who defiantly described him as “crude, rude, and racist” earlier in the show.

Hmm but stop right there little news lady, what does the cricket man think?

“I wouldn’t say racist,” said Mark Richardson. “These are places you wouldn’t go for a holiday. Maybe he just thinks Norway is a good country?” Let this record show, it only took 19 minutes for Mark Richardson to defend Donald Trump.

“What is a baguette? How would you describe it?” – Duncan Garner

These sort of questions first thing in the morning really make you think, make you feel, make you scared, make you reflect, make you reassess and, most importantly of all, make you grow.

“Never do a curved pool” – Mark Richardson

Useful and relatable advice to kick off your 2018 the right way.

“In one word… it was idyllic” – Duncan Garner

Now we are getting to the real guts of The AM Show: the real elevator pitch isn’t a chatty news morning show at all, but the concurrent festive buddy movie where Duncan Garner WEIRDLY SPENT CHRISTMAS DAY AT MARK RICHARDSON’S HOUSE AND LATER DESCRIBED IT AS IDYLLIC?!?!

Duncan and Mark’s Chrimbo festivities got its own graphics.

There was indoor-outdoor flow, there were two kinds of astroturf, there was a jet ski on display. “You might get an invite this year Amanda,” Mark warned. “I can tell you now that I will turn that down,” she replied.

“I told you there would be more sharks” – Mark Richardson, shark oracle

The Earth is on fire, the ocean is like a toasty warm bath and Mark Richardson is deathly worried about the rise of shark sightings. “Not only great whites but tigers and bull sharks.” Quick, evacuate to the curved pool!

“Can we just talk about the fact that you are not wearing pants?” – Jacqueline Nairn 

Wendy from Shortland Street is back from the dead and using her second chance at life to weigh in on Pineapple Lumps vs Toffee Pops as our national delicacy on The AM Show panel. She also stepped up to defend Amanda Gillies – who was roasted for wearing the same top she wore last year (excuse me?) – by making Duncan Garner show off his shorts and $1.50 jandals.

Wendy is back baby

“You look like a giant penis” – Child of Duncan Garner

Some constructive feedback Duncan Garner received upon returning home with a closely cropped haircut. Rude? He’ll show you rude.

“The ears, they never stop growing” – Mark Richardson

In an urgent conversation about the apparent shrinkage of Cadbury Creme Eggs, the team went on a grim tangent about the ravaging passage of time. Are the eggs smaller or are we just bigger? Are they sweeter now or are our lives just duller?

More confronting content

One thing is for sure, our ears and noses will continue to grow until we all eventually die, which is exactly what I love thinking about at the start of every day.  

*repeated toilet flush sound effect* – Anon

To avoid saying “shithole” on air, social media guru Aziz took to using a toilet flush sound. Very soothing.

“Our lives are just over so quick, aren’t they?” – Duncan Garner

Aren’t they just, DG. Aren’t they just.

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Mad Chapman, Editor
Aotearoa continues to adapt to a new reality and The Spinoff is right there, sorting fact from fiction to bring you the latest updates and biggest stories. Help us continue this coverage, and so much more, by supporting The Spinoff Members.Madeleine Chapman, EditorJoin Members

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