Alex Casey tackles the fifth week of The Bachelor NZ, including unauthorised Jenga, bad poetry and an incredible bombshell.
Ahh, nothing better after a long Easter weekend than to rest your rotten chocolate-coated dentures in a vat of Colgate Optic White and kick back in front of a relaxing episode of The Bachelor NZ. That is of course until Karina drops an ATOMIC DOM on everyone that she has had a relationship with Dom Bowden because of course she has because we live in New Zealand and also just statistics and she’s only human. “It could happen to anyone” Karina quipped to a furious Rosie, owning Dom harder than this weathered scarecrow in a rice field.
Also someone must have noticed discolouration and uneven borders in The Bachelor mansion this week, because it was time for a savage mole removal. I miss you already Molly, the larrikin, the joker, the life of party, the rice-planter, the tolerator of tedious Jenga conversation-starters:
Honestly, losing Molly and Nina one after another feels like an irrecoverable blow for the banter barometer, which is maybe why everyone was swearing like bloody sailors lost on the white water rapids of Thailand.
Anyway, let’s get on with the power rankings before the group date curse kills us all in our sleep for God’s sake.
1) Shaka Shari!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Call the f******* police on me, but Shari from last season was a special guest on our The Real Pod podcast this week and she was really great and delivered many inside scoops from behind The Bachelor NZ walls. Shaka brah, just goes to show you’re never too late to come first in the Power Rankings. The episode will be up this afternoon: please listen, subscribe and review to force Jane Yee do a dab like Max Key.
Viarni won single time on the group date based on the fact that she delivered the clutch combo of “smiling the most” and splashing Zac with the lovely wet water that reminds him of home.
She secured herself a one way ticket to Kiss City, Kississipi as they perched on those precarious rocks, locking lips with certain victory IMO.
Hannah was lucky enough to get some one on one time with the most charismatic, interesting and hilarious singleton in the house this week: Lily. They shared a romantic couple’s massage together, let down their walls and wore their heart on their sleeves.
Very much enjoying Lily’s support for Lorde via this Pure Heroine-era purple lipstick this week.
Sarah was intensely silent this week, but never forget that she is watching, she is waiting, in the shadows, of Thaaiillaaaaaand.
Shout out to Karina for staying as calm as a cucumber when Rosie’s head was spinning around like the girl in The Exorcist at the Dom Bowden revelation. But should we expect anything less from someone who has dated New Zealand’s premiere pause expert? Make u think.
We get it, you’re going to Coachella.
I love Bel’s unstoppable need to talk about cats every time she sits down with Zac, and simply can’t wait to pitch her spinoff show with Anne Batley Burton to Bravo. She talked about a local cat lady she met, and how she has named the mansion cat Snoop Lion. But, best of all, here’s an out of context thing she said to Zac this week:
Here’s a ye olde Shakespearean riddle for you: how does Ally’s hair stay so straight despite the humid Thailand conditions? That’s the curse nobody is talking about tbh.
With Karina absorbing all of the intruder pushback this week, Vanessa was free to just relax in her Florida sweater that she must have picked up after her controversial show that time.
Rosie went off her absolute nut at Karina about the Dom thing, which seemed quite uncool given the probability. You’d think someone who spent that much time on the ice would have a bit more chill eh.
Poet laureate Jess cranked out this death rattle to save her bacon this week:
“I’m not usually one to do this,
So tell me if it’s a hit or a miss
Though we’ve only been on one single date
I feel as though you’re more than a mate
I’m excited to see what we could be
But I guess we’ll have to wait and see”
Zac was “blown away”
Well hello Outback Zac
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These power rankings are brought to you by Lightbox, home of the amazing Bachelor-inspired drama UnREAL. Take a peek behind the curtains of reality TV by clicking below to watch:
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