Tara Ward counts down the top ten moments from ‘Heaven and Earth’, the tenth episode of Outlander season three. Contains major spoilers, obviously.
Let us bow down at the Outlander altar, because ‘Heaven and Earth’ featured two loves of my life: potpourri and cheese. I never thought the day would come when the King of Men yarns about a pongy mixture of dried flowers, but there it is, and here we are, and where the heck is Young Ian, anyway?
At this point, I’m not sure I care. Let’s get back to those tiny wheels of cheese, because I bloody love a protein-heavy piece of television and Outlander never lets me down.
It never lets Jamie down either, who was back in prison before the opening credits had rolled. I was too busy thinking about potpourri to understand why; maybe someone insulted his hat. What I do know is Jamie said he’d move heaven and earth to find Claire again, but not once did I see him use his teeth to gnaw through those prison bars. They could have been made of gingerbread! Jamie Fraser, you are all talk.
Claire, meanwhile, sailed to Jamaica in a sea of testosterone. Life on The Porpoise was one long party of man vomit and tidal diarrhoea, with a few cheery sea burials chucked in to lighten the mood. The cook hated her, her husband’s one-eyed enemy from Edinburgh taunted her, and her only friends were a Swedish goat whisperer who yelled “MY GOATS NEED GRASS” and a 14-year-old man-child who gave Claire his lucky charm.
Bad move, Dead Elias. He carked it in a hammock while Claire cried a million tears and pretended to be his mother, and I became so emotional I had to eat all of the cheese. Jamaican me eat my feelings, Outlander.
Luckily, Claire’s new BFF Annekje made heaven a place on earth centuries before Belinda Carlisle took all the credit. She was a goat-whispering, cheese-making, risk-taking ray of Swedish sunshine, and we must rejoice in her pure, unadulterated light.
It’s as if Annekje and Claire were separated at birth. They’re both married to men who make bad choices, and they both love a batshit crazy escape plan involving farm animals. It was a shame there wasn’t more time to exchange livestock-based rescue stories, because Claire’s tale about releasing a herd of cattle into a prison never gets old. They were GINGER COWS, for crying out loud!
But when old mate Tompkins revealed Jamie was wanted for the murder of Crème De Menthe Man (episode 307, keep up) Claire was faced with an impossible choice. Should she leap overboard and swim to freedom with her pockets full of dairy products, or stay and become human bait for Jamie to be hanged for the heinous crimes of bad wigs and incessant vomiting?
Claire was stuck between a rock and a hard piece of cheese, just like the time she tried to choose which of her husbands had the best banter and she became so confused she had to eat Boston Cream Pie and stroke Roger’s beard until she calmed down.
Alas, that was just a wild fantasy I had after I ate too much parmesan. You know what isn’t a dream, though? Next episode: Claire wakes up with a python. No, not that kind of python HOW VERY DARE YOU.
Unless the snake’s name is Young Ian, this can’t be good. Still, it’s nice that Outlander continues to surprise us, when every week I’m certain they’ve already reached peak crazy. With treats like this to live for, let’s dive deep into Outlander’s murky waters to relive the top ten moments of ‘Heaven and Earth’.
1) Jamie loses his shit
Who knew he’d be so jealous of Fergus’ pot-pourri? Seems a trifle overdramatic, but you do you, J-Fray.
2) This chef’s face
Putting the love into his food since never.
3) Forget about wanting a vase, because Claire’s been given the gift of life
Workin’ on her night cheese.
4) The nasty piece of work Claire killed in Edinburgh spills out of a vat of crème de menthe
Peppermint delight, anyone?
5) Jamie chills out in prison
Just your average pot-pourri loving, potato eating King of Men, staring at photos of his daughter from the future.
6) Claire discovers a secret petting zoo inside the ship
Pretty sure there’s a unicorn in the crow’s nest, too.
7) Elias licks alcohol off his fingers
Listen, we’ve all been there, nobody’s judging.
8) Vernon from Coronation Street turns up like a rotten Lallybroch potato
Liz Macdonald will spew when she finds out.
9) Elias dies and Claire’s sad face gets me every time
IS SOMEONE CHOPPING ONIONS IN HERE
10) Claire throws herself overboard to save Jamie from being hanged
More guts than she has surnames, Claire is a bloody legend.
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