When a Married at First Sight NZ contestant is a singer/songwriter, we simply have no choice but to listen to their entire back catalogue.
It’s always exciting when a Married at First Sight NZ contestant has dipped their toes into some other public-facing arena. Bel Clarke gave The Bachelor NZ a go that time. Samuel Levi enjoyed a stint as the watch baron of Instagram. Haydn Daniels wrestled in school halls. But none are quite as impressive as 2019’s Anna Saxton, a singer/songwriter from Cambridge who has reminded us no less than three times that she has visited Randy Jackson’s mansion in LA (that’s Los Angeles, or “la la land” to those in the biz).
Choosing to sing her wedding vows to Jordan, a sweetie stockcar driver from Foxton, Anna made her passion for music clear right from the start of the series. “I promise to be respectful, honest, supportive,” she crooned. He came extremely close to Jim Halpert-ing into the camera as she continued. “I promise to encourage inspire in all I give. I promise to be open, caring and laugh with you – all these promises, I promise to you.” Jordan stood stunned. Randy Jackson got chills all the way in his mansion, right in the heart of the City of Angels.
“Wow, she’s beautiful and she can sing,” Jordan said later, wide-eyed in his post-match interview. “But at the same time, I had no idea what to do.” Here’s what you do, Jordan. As soon as you get home, you jump onto YouTube and you watch every single glitzy Anna Saxton – or Saxi – music video and look for clues as to how your future relationship might pan out.
Or, you can just let me do it for you?? Fine, I’ll do it!!
It’s a big one, folks. Big tune, big fringe, extremely small patch of cornrows, extremely difficult to decipher lyrics.
This punchy power anthem speaks to the some of the hurt that Anna has alluded to already on the show – “her heart isn’t bruised, it’s just a little bruised right now.” She sings of this fabled lipstick being like her warpaint in difficult times. I would like to point out that Anna did not wear a skerrick of lippy on her honeymoon with Jordan, which suggests that her walls have come down and her heart hath arnica applied.
This is the raunchy rooter anthem of a generation. We’ve got a sensual writhing lizard man, we’ve got a studded belt, we’ve got people being splattered with what I can only assume is ultra-violet reptile jizz. Thoughts and prayers to anyone else out there who has found themselves caught in the midst of an unheralded sex craze (James and Carmen). Hope Jordan packed his blacklight.
White Light > White Lines.
A truly stirring song written in 2012 when Anna appeared to be going through her most emo of looks. I don’t want to undermine that journey, but I do want to highlight the lyrics “we got to start somewhere, got to die somewhere, so why not here?” because that is me every time I have a story due. But ‘Death Terrain’ hasn’t just touched me and me alone. “I also love to sing and have brown hair,” someone says in the comments.
I think my Real Pod co-host Jane Yee speaks for us all when she says “anyone who can fit ‘douchebag’ into a song deserves to be famous IMO.” How about douchebag in one of the very first lines?! Jordan should take serious note here though. If he crosses her, Anna is most definitely going to write a whole album about how he can get absolutely, royally, stuffed.
And, as much as I love the idea of our first MAFSNZ break-up album, I hope I never see the day that happens.
Married at First Sight NZ airs on Three Sunday 7pm and Mon-Tues 7.30pm
The Spinoff Weekly compiles the best stories of the week – an essential guide to modern life in New Zealand, emailed out on Monday evenings.